I’m sure this isn’t an uncommon issue that people have, but I still beat myself up for some things that I had done years ago, and I know I need to stop. But the thoughts keep coming. These aren’t huge mistakes or anything, either. Just things that I had done or said that involved other people, especially people whom I love, and maybe have put them in uncomfortable situations.
To finally let it out, I’ll talk about the one that’s battering my mind today. When Parasite, the Korean film came out, I asked my Dad to take me. I didn’t really know what it was about. Just that it was a great film and that the trailer looked like a horror film. I saw that it was rated R, but I honestly thought that was because of any potential violent scenes. I was not aware of the sexual scenes that may be in there. My dad took me and my dad and I were so uncomfortable when that scene came on. If it were just me who had seen the movie by myself, I wouldn’t have cared. But obviously, it was super awkward to see it with my dad. He’s a reserved religious man and he closed his eyes in pain when that came on. I felt so bad and I still do, even though it was 4 years ago. Now when it comes to R rated movies…. Dare I say, PG-13 movies, I’m seeing it by myself. I don’t care what it is (I also genuinely can’t see Parasite ever again)This all sounds funny now, but every time this pops into my head, I’m back to feeling horrible again. I love my dad so much, and I hate the fact that I made him so uncomfortable that day.
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I definitely get it. Cringe memories love to haunt us. However, try to keep in mind that your dad most definitely doesn’t remember this enough for it to keep him up at night. Do you remember any mistakes classmates have made? Any embarrassing moments you saw happen to strangers? Often times, we are too focused on ourselves to remember these things.
We are here to learn. What you learned this time you will use or discard for next time. Gmorowth. My family won't let me move forward from the past. That's their problem. not mine. And they don't believe in God. So, see ya. I've grown. I continue to learn and grow. The old saying, "You learn something new everyday".... or you can stay stuck in the past I guess. Learn, grow.
The people who are huring you aren't learning and growing. They're staying the same. Mine gaslighted. I went to protect. There was no further conversation or helping. They stab you in the back and move forward. Because they think that's healthy for them. Just learn and grow. That's all I can say. They are narcissists or got the taste of narcissism. They're not in contol. They just feel good thinking that they are.
That point you made is exactly what is important. Yes feel bad but then move on
Mistakes are an opportunity to learn life lessons. Don’t beat yourself up about them. They are in the past. You’ll make many more but you’ll evolve into a better human being if u learn from them. It’s human nature.
I hope you can see that your being too hard on yourself..I took my niece to the cinema to watch one of the twilight movies and the bit when Edward and Bella were intimate I didn't expect and I cringed and sank into my seat and felt like covering my nieces eyes . At the time it felt awful but .nothing to torture yourself over I promise x
"""I’m sure this isn’t an uncommon issue that people have, but I still beat myself up for some things that I had done years ago, and I know I need to stop. But the thoughts keep coming."""
You are right. This isn't uncommon at all. I am myself an expert in that matter—regretting and feeling uncomfortable about things I did or said decades ago and still blaming myself for that, whereas I am probably the only one remembering it.
I read somewhere that the emotional content associated with these experiences prevents our brain from "archiving" those memories. There is probably some truth in that since, when I recall these memories, I certainly feel an emotional response with physical symptoms like having my heart beating hard in my chest or a sudden sweating.
Now for the common pieces of advice:
- Let it go.
- You have no control over the past, so stop thinking about it and focus on the present for not making the same mistakes again.
- Rationalize/deconstruct that experience to reduce its emotional footprint.
- Seek help from a counselor.
- ...
None of these really worked for me. The good news is you are young and still have plenty of time to create good memories that make you proud and happy.
Let us know how things evolve: writing on this forum was definitely helpful for me. At the very least, that helped me to understand that many nice people share the same difficulties as me. The best heartwarming thing I can say is "You are not alone".
I wish it were that easy....personally...for the most part I've forgiven my past....i won't forget it....professionally it's harder to move on.....waiting for the other shoe to drop...
I haven’t read any of the other comments here yet, but talking it out with your dad might help you. Making amends or apologizing to people for what you believe is bothering you, can be very cathartic. They may think it’s not necessary or too important, but to you it is. Amends are a release of all that burden. If you can’t find the people, write a letter to that person and either keep it or throw it away when you’re ready. You’d have done your part and can move on with a clear conscience. 🍀
I definitely understand what you are going through, since I often feel guilty about my mistakes. However, there is an old saying that the only bad mistake is one that you do not learn from. As many of the responders have mentioned already, you are probably much more concerned about this incident than your father. Many times we worry about what people will think about something we did when, in fact, they could care less or don’t even remember the event.
It also sounds like there may be an element of obsessive thinking here since this is a recurrent idea. You may want to look into doing a little reading on obsessive thinking, and how to deal with it. A good place to start would be a good book on cognitive behavioral therapy or a book specifically about obsessive compulsive disorder.
Honestly I am pretty clueless when it comes to my challenges. I ve been learning so much from being on here for a few weeks. I have the same issue. My diagnosising therapist told my family my brain works works a 100 miles an hour faster than most.
It is such a wild beast at times to lasso. Sometimes nothing seems to work and I’ve tried so many techniques.
Hey gang. Please educate me. Are ruminations actually treatable. My docs have tried meds but I’ve only had mild success
Much of my life I’ve lived undiagnosed, so these reoccurring thought of mistakes have been difficult to say the least. They are lessened now , but still exist.
Is all this possibility just part of some of our challenges and your suggestions are all solid , but for me, at least, many times I just have to suffer thru.
I have this issue and it is definitely part of my GAD. A few things that help are reciting the serenity prayer (focus on accept the things I cannot change), yoga, getting outside or doing something else to distract myself from the cycling guilt. Hope this helps. At the very least, know you are not alone.
oh yeah! I look to the past for things to worry / stress about way too much. Stuff that most probably won’t remember anyway.
Ever talked to your dad about it? Sometimes doing that will help you process them thoughts/feelings. Might be uncomfortable but I think that sometimes why we get stuck thoughts.. anyway, all the best!
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