My Intro and Return

[Renizzle2023]

Hi y’all, this is Renizzle. I have been in this support group before under the username Phil413. It was very helpful for a while and I’m grateful it was here for me. I learned a lot from reading about other people’s experiences. The reason I left was because I needed to practice helping myself for a while and being online so much wasn’t allowing me to make that progress. At that point, I was 30, struggling with major depression and severe social anxiety issues, I had never held a regular job, I lived with my family without paying rent, did not own a car, did not have insurance, and in many ways felt bad about myself and felt that I could not change my life for the better. It was a case of learned helplessness.

Since that time I have made progress! Rejoice with me! I made some huge first steps, at least they felt huge, like getting a part-time retail job, practicing customer service, learning how to get along with coworkers, buying my first car, moving and living with my brother for a few months and getting out on my own. Now I know that I love working, excellent at teamwork, enjoy my coworkers, and was missing out on so much that I perceived as scary when in reality it was just a challenge. Forcing myself to take on those challenges is allowing me to grow and develop in ways that I could never have done from the perceived safety of my comfort zone. The social anxiety is still there but I am no longer allowing it to rule my life. I am currently working full-time, renting an apartment, own a car, practice self care, keep activities on my calendar, meet people, do things, go places, and regularly see a therapist. I am also currently on a small dose of Zoloft to keep depression symptoms under control. Life is not perfect but it’s steadily improving. I am starting to feel like a Real Person! And that’s what we all are, isn’t it? Just average human beings trying to get through life well, with a healthful state of mind.

My reason for returning to the forum is that once again I feel able to share with a community. I learned a lot about self care, coping, and ways to be supportive here in the past. It was really very helpful. Now that I can report some progress, I think it will be helpful again, for the sake of moral support and accountability! Here’s to all the fighters. Stay strong, friends.

[Celtic27]

Hi renizzle welcome back to the group hopefully your life experiences will help others that struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis thank you for sharing anything you think may help them god bless you

[Marysblue]

Thats wonderful! What great achievements..you should be very proud. Glad you're back.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

A great story of hope. How did you get to this point. Was it only the antidepressants and therapy?

[Renizzle2023 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Thank you. I know that is a common question on this site.

Yes, the antidepressant enabled me to get out of bed and begin making improvements, like job searching and interviewing. That was probably easier due to the medication.

Therapy was not helpful to me. I tried therapy in 2020 but the lockdowns made it difficult to do it in person and I couldn't bring myself to do it virtually. So that didn't help. What was helpful was turning to certain family members for support and advice in my job search, and looking to them for accountability. I would call them on the phone to report my progress, and they would give me encouragement.

I also had to free myself of negative thinking about mental health, and take steps to build a positive attitude toward life by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, like telling myself over and over, "you have a right to be here." Or, "they don't care if you don't do it perfectly. Do it anyway."

Honestly though, the greatest progress I made was last summer, when the antidepressant I was taking at the time (Prozac) was no longer helping with the depression symptoms. Last summer I went through hell. The place I was living forced me to do things that social anxiety has made me avoid all my life. I was living with my brother in a small apartment facing main street in this little tiny town. Forcing myself to step out the door of the apartment building onto the main street of town every day was more difficult than I can say. It was like living in a fish bowl and I hated it. Every time I went grocery shopping it was the same girl at the cash register. The Spotlight Effect was so bad. The town is tiny so wherever I parked my car always felt like I was taking someone else's spot. Going to the larger city for work every day was like a huge relief, just to get out of the fish bowl. I was forcing myself to do things that didn't feel good and it was building my resilience. I stuck with it, basically, out of necessity. I couldn't go back to my parents' place without feeling like I had given up, and I felt like I had nowhere else to go. (I'm so grateful to my generous brother for letting me stay with him for that time. I assure you, I was an emotional wreck, not pleasant to be around.) So I stuck with it until October, when I took a leap of faith and moved to a different area, got full time work, and start renting my own place. Now most everything feels like a walk in the park compared to living in that horrible tiny town last summer.

My therapist used a great illustration the last time we talked: he compared social anxiety to a ball and chain. I can't wish it away and it is useless to try taking it off. What you have to do is pick it up and carry it around with you. Basically, don't let it hold you back. And yes, it's hard, but it's like building muscles, the more you do it, the stronger you get. So yeah, I was dragging around a ball and chain all summer and I hated it. Now I pick it up and carry it around with me and sometimes I almost forget it's there because I'm so used to carrying it around.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

I love the ball and chain analogy. It’s perfect. Acceptance is the answer to many of my problems.

Thanks for sharing your experience.