My Seasonal Depression

[NuclearTrixie]

This is probably going to be a long post, I just need to let it out.To preface, I can't afford therapy, I have 3 adult children, and no partner.

I'm 40 years old and I'm still dealing with my childhood trauma. My mother is a narcissist and abused me my entire childhood, and I never had a father around. Just her, me, and my older brother.

She was unbearable during Christmas, like a bridezilla, but with Christmas, EVERY year.

5 years ago, I finally cut her out of my life. I've lived my life and treated my children the exact opposite of how my mother treated my brother and I, because I didn't want anyone to feel like the way she made me feel. When I cut her off, my family trusted her, and I'm the bad guy. So, not only do I not have a mother, I have no family either.

So, during the holidays, I have no family to visit, no presents to open, no sense of community, I'm all alone. Even when I was a child, my family always left me out of the family gatherings. I was left by myself every year, while watching everyone else laugh and have fun together.

I have been dependent on my friends, of which I have very few, but, they have their own families to be with during the holidays, so, again, I'm being left out.

I do my best for my kids, I made sure they at least had 1 thing to open on Christmas day, but couldn't put up the tree, or cook a big dinner. Luckily, they understand why I can't do those things, and, they make sure to let me know how much they love me.

I refuse to allow my kids to, essentially, be the adults and help me through this time of year. So, again, I'm relying heavily on close friends.

This year, though, no one has been available. I've been in a very dark place this week. I've been entirely alone, no one to talk to at all, on top of feeling like a jerk for not making the holiday more fun for my kids.

I am essentially, stuck, trying to deal with my mental health, going to work, and making sure my kids have everything they need, without commiting to the permanent solution (I have drawn a line there).

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for listening

[CLB1125]

hi glad you came here. I think all of us with depression have a hard time with the holidays. Taking your mom out of your life was not an easy decision I'm sure. But if it has helped with your mental wellness you made the right decision. You said your children are adults. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to do more for Christmas. You love them and are in their lives, that's the best gift you can give them. Sometimes we tend to forget the true meaning of Christmas. The tree and all the rest is just fluff. Love and caring is the true meaning. That's the greatest gift of all.

[Elanajon]

my heart goes out to you. May you find some comfort in the new year.

[RS1974]

I'm sorry you're struggling right now and you deal with a narcissist mom and just know it's not you you did nothing wrong to be abused by her. Your a good mom/dad not sure how non binary works. Sorry. Keep up the good work and one thing that helps me is to journal. Take care. Hugs 🤗

[gajh]

I am glad you are here with us.

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

You've given all of yourself, to your kids and work. You need to appreciate you for who you are and all that you have done. This is your time too. Value yourself and your courage and determination to push through

Be proud and good to yourself

Be kind to yourself and you will make it work. You are awesome!!