Depression interrupted my parenting and now my kid won't forgive me..

[Montana136]

Hello for today, I have been feeling pretty okay lately not perfect but most recently the last 3 days I've been waking up crying mornings are very hard for me at least they were a couple months ago I'm crying every morning. My depression anxiety and PTSD interrupted my parenting when my daughter was 14 years old I had her go stay with my mom her grandma. My daughter is happy she's in college she's doing well she's doing well in her personal life academic life I can Tell she's happy. But she's not interested in me really. She visits but she can only stay half an hour before she looks like she has ants in her pants and she has to go. I've spent my whole life caring for others elderly ants my dad soon to be my mom too. And I think I might just end up dying alone I think my daughter might just move out of town and not ever talk to me really. She only lives 3 miles away and she can't talk to me as it is right now. I'm very worried I don't know what's going to happen in the future, how can I say that when I am predicting the future? I'm predicting a future without my daughter possibly because her dad was an asshole she had to detach and she did it surgically and quickly. And I'm afraid I might be relegated to the same treatment. I'm scared I'm worried I'm lonely I'm bored I'm doing well and then I'm not doing well and then I'm doing well I'm tired of going back and forth I'm scared my daughter doesn't really show affection or interest in me. For her first 12 years I was totally solid totally present totally well. Now everything and everybody else comes first. I'm 56 and I'm at the age where people I have admired and even relatives that I have loved are passing away. I myself probably will not live another 20 years. Life goes by so quickly and I don't think I can forgive myself unless she get forgives me first. So I think I'm at a loss and that's where this confusion and sorrow is coming from today. Thank you for listening any responses would be helpful I need support. Montana. Help!!

[Montana136]

Yes cat lover for life, yeah my daughter is 20 and she would actually really love to be doing anything but be with me. And I know that's mostly a condition of her age but I had to send her way to my mom six years ago and she is still angry and unable to forgive. I know she must heal on her own time scale. But I have depression and I'm struggling, I think she sees my depression like as an excuse. Although I have told her I am responsible for my decisions and that I was not in a healthy spot and she needed to go away from me because I couldn't take care of myself so I knew I wasn't taking care of her. she since was she was six has not really been able to share her innermost thoughts with me and I'm not sure how or why that happened. She's very distant. And lately kind of cold. This is so hard I mean I knew she was going to grow up and leave one day but I don't feel like I finished raising her I guess maybe, I'm probably grieving the loss of the kind of relationship I always wanted with a daughter. I know I'm not going to get that. In fact depression and anxiety and PTSD of interrupted every really important thing in my life college education career love relationships and now my kid acts like I'm an inconvenience. Thank you for your support and sharing I'm feeling your pain you're feeling mine. If you're up to it respond again. Have a great day love and support to you! 🌞✌️🌻

[Montana136]

Thanks for the quick response. I have been learning how critical self-care self-respect holding your boundaries is so uplifting for you. So I agree. Yeah I have a habit and have had to have it for 40 years about not talking about my state of mind not to my family not to my friends nothing so basically I was trying to hide my disability all these years and I tried to be straightforward and tell my daughter about it and she totally is like not a very good excuse mom. But at least she's talking to me I've got to focus on the good things my daughter does visit me and about half the time of the visits we have good engaging conversation and the other half of the visits neither one of us say hardly anything cuz we just don't know what the hell to say. I just need to have faith that I show her that I am well I am better now and I'm trying to make good decisions on my own behalf but that I really do you need some kind of support I did a superior job raising her from 0 through 12 and I'm not kidding I did a lot of work help her have a good self-esteem and to be independent and intelligent. And yes you're right she won't realize that until later on in her life after she's made a couple of mistakes heard a couple of people when she didn't mean to have a few crises of her own then she'll know how I was telling her how precarious life can get at times for anybody. Have a good day tomorrow or today depending on when you read this good night

[Grandmakris]

My children were seriously impacted by my depression . I also sent my oldest daughter to live with my mother. After I had somewhat recovered, I made amends and expressed my sorrow and regret to them. They are all adults now, and they have blessed me with forgiveness and acceptance. In fact, I have more difficulty forgiving myself! We don't gather together often, but the relationships are strong. So never give up hope. With maturity your daughter might come to the point that she realizes that you were struggling with mental illness, and realize that you did the best that you could. It took many years for our family to heal, so I can understand your suffering. But hold on to that hope, and love yourself.