Alone

I have lost most of my immediate family and feel very lost and lonely without them. Yesterday and today I had a lovely time with friends and meeting new people but it doesn't fill the gaping hole in my soul. Having friends is helpful to some extent but they don't provide the history, roots, unconditional love, and sense of identity that a family gives you. I feel sad most of the time and sometimes despondent. Is anyone else in a similar position?

[Law2422]

I have been feeling very similarly. I have felt like I have lost my family and feeling very abandoned and alone and isolated. I struggle with the same issue of filling that hole with friends, it just isn't enough. I don't have answers yet. But I do understand.

[Hidden in reply to Law2422]

Thank you for your support.

[Hidden in reply to Law2422]

I find that watching comedies, stand up comedy, reading funny stories/jokes and good company can help me to a certain point. Can I ask what helps you?

[Law2422 in reply to Hidden]

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to focus as much on watching or listening to things lately I'm having a very difficult time because I am craving conversation, phone or in person. Typing is not the same. Having stability and consistency in a person is helpful. I can't always get that either. So I am still trying to figure it out. Helping others is apart of my job but helping and truly caring to help can help me to feel a little better sometimes too.

[Hidden in reply to Law2422]

It's very kind of you to find the energy to help others when you are feeling so lonely. I hope you soon find people you can connect with.

[Hidden]

I've read your post a few times but can't seem to find the right words of comfort.... I am also very close to my family and can't imagine losing them. I feel for you and hope you find the strength and courage to get through this 🙏

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for replying

[Arymretep]

I know how you feel, we were a very big extended family, lots of Aunts who were all very close, they have all gone now, still have lots of cousins but they are living away, I think it’s a down side of getting older when the family gets smaller and smaller

[Mijmijkey74 in reply to Arymretep]

Iit definitely is the downside of getting older regardless of how large or small the family/family relatives was/were and important connections/bonds are lost through deaths or other reasons. It truly is the most awful empty lost and ever alone feeling. People whom possibly understood us the most/the best gone from our lives. Nothing else/nobody else fills that empty yearning gaping hole inside of us.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Mijmijkey74]

So true. Lost my Sig. Other who was "my person," my soulmate, my love last Nov. Have lost too many relatives over the years, and a very close friend a year ago. I know that this is a part of getting older, a part that Sucks! My family now live far away, friends not that far, but don't like driving much & I don't drive. It's rough. I may have to move to another state (live in the USA), and that "rattles" me just thinking about it. Didn't think about these kinds of things when younger, or middle aged; but, now it's different, & difficult. I do connect with family, friends, support people via phone, text, and that does help. HU is very helpful, as well. Thanks for all your posts which mean A lot!

[Hidden in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry that you recently lost your soul mate - you must be devastated. Glad you do have a support network of family and friends. I hope the new state you choose to move to is closer to them.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Hidden]

The new state is closer to my Niece & her family, but I haven't seen them for a very long time, & will need to get re acquainted with them. My friends are the one's that I will miss A Lot as they are the one's that know me the most. Yes, family is very important, but I feel closer to my friends. I Hate to have to move So far away from my friends.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thank you for your condolences of the loss of my Soul Mate --It is devastating & I struggle each day.

[Hidden in reply to Arymretep]

Thank you for reaching out

[b1b1b1]

Yes, I am in a similar position. My husband has died. He had children (adults now) from a first marriage. I have one son. My husband, his adult children, and grandchildren and my son formed one big very happy family. While I still see the adult children it is not as often and there are no real family gatherings any more. I am glad I also have my son and my friends, but I absolutely agree with you that friends are not enough for exactly the reasons you say. There is no easy answer, but I also understand. x

[Hidden in reply to b1b1b1]

I'm glad you have some family members you can turn to. Thank you for sharing.

[Arymretep]

you’re welcome

[Horsesarebeautiful]

It's so different for me. I miss having a family that never was. Oh, I have blood relatives. My dad kicked me in the crotch when I was 2, then locked me out of the house in my pool of blood. We lived in the country. I never thought I'd be able to have kids. I remember that pain. Mom threw a hammer and hit me in the head when I was 7. Went to school with a black eye and got teased. Told me later on she couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. Treated my daughter different from the other grandkids. My grandfather and several uncles, on mom's side, sexually molested me along with some family "friends." All this when I was a kid. Mom said don't say anything because it would make people get mad. I'm 66 now and have always felt like a piece of garbage. A few years back Mom was dying. I fought for her daily, 12 hours a day, for them to put her in hospice, not a nursing home due to uncontrolled pain. She never would have done that for me. Well, for all my effort and doing the right thing, my cousin and older brother changed the morphine dose on the unlocked med pump on the bedside table, increasing it which left mom unresponsive. They tried to blame me. After a long investigation, it was proven they had lied and it wasn't me. All the bullies and narcissistic people in my "family" tend to stick together and gang up on me. The family I miss is the one I never had and never will. It's the one I've always watched on tv and the movies...The Waltons, Father Knows Best, all those Christmasy movies where they may have disagreements but come together in the end. Sometimes, I just can't stomach watching them anymore. In the end, I know one day in Heaven I will have all the love and closeness I missed out on. I just have always yearned for and missed that family that I never had...the idea of it all. I don't know your circumstances or reasons why you miss your family. But, I am sorry that you miss them.

[Hidden in reply to Horsesarebeautiful]

I'm so sorry to hear how vicious your family was towards you. Things were not great with mine either. They could be violent and abusive too, so I get how you miss the family you wish you'd had. In my case, there was also love in my family, which made things very confusing - not knowing how they'd be. But I managed to keep a distance from them when I was old enough in order to preserve my sanity. It's just that I wish I didn't have to. I wish things were better so that I could have wanted to spend more time with them. I try to treasure the happier moments as much as I can. I get where you're coming from, and I hope you will find peace. Thankfully, you have a daughter who I hope is some consolation to your predicament.

[Horsesarebeautiful in reply to Hidden]

It's like we've had some of the same family members. Like some people get cut from the same molds, good or bad. We have the same exact feelings about keeping distance from them but wishing we didn't have to. I recently retired a little early due to health issues. I used to do in-home hospice care for a living. I worked with families fighting each other over inheritances they would be getting and "I don't want to take care of them, you do it." But, I also worked with families that took turns staying with their dying loved one, that constantly communicated and helped each other out with whatever needed doing. I had patients who were alone, their family out of state, and in one case, a daughter getting cancer treatment in another city. I became part of their family, making calls back and forth etc, until the patient died. I also had patients tell me things on their death bed they didn't want to tell their family. In this most difficult time for them I got pulled in as a temporary family member until the patient died. I think I needed them as much as they needed me. It made me think about what will happen when it's my turn to go. I've told my daughter a list of relatives I don't want near me. I doubt any of them would show up but a miracle might happen and they might get a guilty conscience lol. My daughter and me have a complicated relationship. I am so messed up and am far from being anywhere near a normal parent. I've made so many mistakes and being OCD I repeat a lot of them. I pretty much overwhelmed her with all my hurt, anger, feelings of rejection and abandonment, and warnings what relatives to stay away from. She didn't get to go to family reunions like her cousins did. I wasn't going and no way could she go without me. I KNEW if someone molested her in broad daylight that my mom would never have told me because "someone will get mad." I felt like I only had my daughter for real family. I put way too much weight on her. I thought I was doing a decent job because I wasn't letting her get physically or sexually abused. She understands me much better now that she's grown. She's actually a counselor, now. But, I'm still her mom and those mixed feelings are still there. I'd love to get therapy together with her, in person so we can see and feel the tears and hugs together. She's in another city, though. I'm going to suggest to her that I can drive to Austin to go to therapy with her. I'm in San Antonio. It's not that far away. It all depends on her, though, if she even wants to see or talk to me any time soon. I'm not helping things when I keep making mistakes. Her plate is over full even without me. She was attacked at work in 2016 by a refugee she had been working with for over a year. She was stabbed in the face with a screwdriver. He kept her hostage for 2 hours. She finally talked him into going outside with her and she made her escape. News reports make it sound like her then husband saved her. He wasn't there. She's trying to be happy again, and I keep sticking my foot in my mouth with my words. Sometimes though she reacts to something from the past I used to do and accuses me of it now. That's what is going on now.

I'm sorry to spill my guts to you. I woke today not wanting to face another day. My daughter just recently told me she doesn't even want to hear about my dreams anymore because it pushes her boundaries she has set. She wasn't replying when I asked if her flight made it back home ok from D.C. She said she has no obligation whatsoever to answer any of my messages. That's how bad I've hurt her. How bad I've messed up.

Thank you for listening. It's greatly appreciated.

[Hidden in reply to Horsesarebeautiful]

I honestly hope you manage to win your daughter back permanently. Your family didn't provide you with a solid background so it will take a lot of courage and skill to resolve things. I hope this vicious cycle ends with you and doesn't continue with your daughter. I wish you all the best with that.

[NYCmom2]

💕 Sharing loving thoughts to you and all on this thread feeling lonely and grieving loss. 💕

[catsrock]

Yes, I am in the same position. All that I have left is my mom and sister and they live together in a very, very dysfunctional relationship where my mom is the enabler and my sister is an abuser. Can't get my mom to leave the situation and I do best when I don't deal with them at all because it's so maddening. Last blow-up my sister had was a few weeks ago and she was screaming at my mom that she hoped she died and burned in hell and this can go on for hours. My sister is 58 and my mom is 91 and has basically taken care of her her whole life even though my sister treats her like shit. I'm convinced my sister has borderline personality disorder, but she won't go get help and insists that everyone else is the problem - classic borderline behavior. It gets to me a lot. My dad died when I was 15 and he was the one person in the family I could talk to. I had a sister die before I was born and my brother, who was also an abusive person, died by suicide in 2019. Geez - I'm depressing myself reading this! Anyway, you're not alone in having loneliness about your family of origin. It's hard.

[Hidden in reply to catsrock]

I recognise the abuse you describe. Yes, it's hard having to deal with it. Thanks so much for sharing.