Picturing my funeral

[northwoodboy]

I had another tough day yesterday with plenty of suicidal ideation. I managed to get out and hike when I got home and was having a spirited discussion with myself trying to question the stream of irrational thoughts. I became quite emotional and stopped and started to imagine my 4 daughters at my funeral and how devastated they were that the father they love was so tortured he took his own life. Pretty devastating imagery and for a few minutes the thought of doing that to them seemed inconceivable.

[Anxietykeeper]

Thank you for sharing this. If no one has told you yet, I'm proud of you and am happy you decided to stay. Your strength is amazing even if you don't believe it. Keep fighting to stay with those little girls.

[northwoodboy in reply to Anxietykeeper]

Thank you I am hoping I have found a new tool to combat my darker inclinations but it is a very sad indictment that I had to create this imagery to change my viewpoint

[AquariusDreaming]

I have often thought a grief group would be helpful for me, as I too think of not going on and I feel like I am grieving the loss of what my life used to be like when I had more friends, my son was home, and my family lived nearby. They seem pretty reasonably priced to join and attend. I wish you self-compassion and inner strength to get through today.

[northwoodboy in reply to AquariusDreaming]

Thank you I feel that many of us here are all dealing from the same set of well worn tarot cards and the scary cards are the ones that keep showing up.

[Weatherwoman in reply to AquariusDreaming]

I have a Grief Group as I lost my Precious Sig. Other last Nov. I, also, have a Grief Counselor --both are helpful, but they can't, nor can anyone take away the the Grief I feel for this & other loses. I think that I just have to go through the grief, not try to "run" from it. It's just SO darn difficult.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Weatherwoman]

Am sorry that you are feeling SO low; but, am glad that you thought of your daughters as they would be devastated & would effect the rest of their lives. I hope you can find the peace of mind you So deserve.

[J2Blue]

Reading your post I immediately thought: "don't take your life please!" I'm glad you thought of your daughters and decided suicide was not the way to go. I know the feeling. I've often thought I would be better off dead and then I think of all the people who love me and that's what keeps me going. It's so hard when you have a bad day. I'm glad you got out for a hike. I did that yesterday and it helped. Today the weather isn't so good so I want to curl up in bed and hide. I'm not suppose to drink alchohol on with my meds, but today I couldn't help it. I'm just hoping tomorrow will be better. Today I'm going to take it easy on myself.

[northwoodboy in reply to J2Blue]

Thanks so much for your comments. Ah alcohol the eternal dilemma do I drink it to deaden the demons for now only to be feeling like crap the next day and to probably bring back the demons then - does it have to be this hard?

[ghousrider]

Good day to you matey i am glad i am not on my own with this over the last 12 ths i am dreaming about my death i can see i am going through the fire my self / i am going to my mom/ dad grave alot now they died in 1977 mom / dad 1982 i go there to talk to them i tell them i wont be long talk about my health to them i stopped going to furnerals to unless they are close to me . when i am dreaming i feel my head getting warm it wakes me up / i have bad copd now another 6 medical thinks wrong with me all this started 2013 never worked since sorry long story all the best ghoust rider have a good day

[catsrock]

I'm so proud of you for getting out and doing a hike. When I'm super depressed things like that seem overwhelming, but I'm always glad if I do something physical. Yes, your 4 daughters would be devastated. Hang in there. How are you today?

[northwoodboy]

Hi Today is passable trying to stay busy at work, working on so many initiatives to offset the darkness and somedays it works and for that I am supremely grateful

[AnnieHill]

"I'm really sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time. It sounds like you’re trying hard to make sense of your feelings and it’s commendable that you’re reaching out and reflecting on the impact your thoughts might have on your loved ones.

I had a moment like that too. When my uncle passed away, we used cremationsdirect.co.uk/ for the arrangements. During the process, I thought a lot about how our choices and actions affect those we care about. It was a tough time, but focusing on the impact on family helped me understand the importance of taking care of oneself."