Psst... It's a new day but my past keeps following me

[Montana136]

I tell myself that every morning. It's a new day but I'm dragging the past around behind me in this new day. I recently have realized that the negativity I think about myself and my situations has been utterly destroying my life. I constantly dwell upon things I could have done differently better choices I could have made I beat myself up all the time every day and I do it without even realizing I'm doing it! I am compassionate and friendly with every other person in my life, even strangers, but not to myself. I'm wondering how the hell you fix a problem that you don't even realize you're doing in the moment. I'm frustrated with that question.

Somewhere along my childhood, I learned I was worthless and then I believed it. So if I learned it most likely I can unlearn it. Right? I'm looking for ideas exercises tools relief camaraderie. I've been going through the depression and anxiety cycles for decades now. I am so tired and disappointed in myself that I have not learned how to manage my emotions yet. Does anybody else feel like that? I've been in and out of therapy for 30 plus years I've read so many self-improvement and healing books talk to a lot of people and learned a lot of incredible things but somehow never applied it to my life. Didn't keep up the breathing exercises, gave up meditation, didn't continue to enforce my boundaries, didn't spend time thoughtfully processing crappy feelings, didn't do this didn't do that. See, here I go again. Seriously I would so loose a best friend who treats me like I treat myself. I hope that made sense.

How do I get out of the negative thinking and feeling worthless that is literally eating my life away slowly? How do I get out and how do I stay out! I am struggling.

Thank you for any sharing or suggestions you might have!

So something positive to end this with.. because I am trying to try. In this moment I am feeling grateful for this community where I finally feel I belong and all the things I'm going to learn here and for the people I am going to meet. Be well 😊✌️👍

[optimismrus]

I totally know what you are talking about. I have to remember to love myself "just as I am, and just as I am not". Like you, I've been thru a lot of therapy, and I worked hard to overcome the guilt that somehow had a stranglehold on me. I found my higher power thru CoDa 12 step groups. I learned to "cancel that thought" and replace it with a positive affirmation, like "I love myself fully and unconditionally". I try to remember there is still a little girl in me that needs to know I won't abandon her. I'm glad you can vent here and I wish you the best. 🥰

[Montana136 in reply to optimismrus]

Hi optimismrus, I'm not certain if I know the group you're talking about, is it a codependent anonymous group? Not sure. I have just joined Al-Anon a 12-step group for family members of alcoholics you've probably already know that. Anyway I had a thought one day that the 12 steps are very beneficial and can apply to other non-addict groups of people. They talk about rigorous honesty making healthy choices for yourself, one day at a time and have all these platitudes that could really apply to me and my depressive anxious circumstance.

I think you are so right about sending the message to your inner child that you will not abandon her. I do remember hearing that from a couple of therapists in my life. And I want to thank you for reminding me that I cannot and will not abandon that little girl. She really needs me to be compassionate, understanding and loving to her. Wow! That is big! Super fantastic hearing from you! Be well✌️😁

[Rosepetal60]

I know / understand where you are coming from. It brings my memories of child & adult times to mind. I read a short real life story about 20 years ago, where the grownup looked back on her young life and had felt “ guilty for living” and I thought Yes, that was me growing up. Feeling guilty for living. I frequently look back on my childhood. And feel sad, but I know I couldn’t at that time have done anything differently to improve my situation. These days I say to myself “ you can be proud of yourself “ proud of the jobs you did away from home from age of 16. So try saying “You can be proud of yourself “ ( for whatever reason & there will be some) it does sink in if you keep saying it to yourself every so often. Perhaps check out a mindfulness book for some ideas of what to say to your brain and yourself. Best wishes 🌻

[Montana136 in reply to Rosepetal60]

Hello Rosepetal60. Thank you for your kindness. You are so right we were children we were young whatever happened to us was kind of our parents responsibility to protect us from. And if parents aren't healthy well then there you go struggle starts from very early youth. I raised a daughter and I kind of learned this while she was going up I reminded myself how innocent I was when I saw my daughter at two, three, six, eight, 10. But I kind of spiraled out of control in my mind and lost track of those healthy thoughts. I have read about mindfulness and trying to stay present I am reminding myself more and more often and saying positive things like you suggested to myself out loud. I'm beginning this so I spend a lot of my day forgetting about healthy thoughts but I am working towards saying good things to myself and when I wake up every morning now for the last month I talk to myself and remind myself that I am good a lot of things are out of my control but I have control over how I choose to behave and take action. Thank you so much I like your screen name rosebud it's so peaceful and I and I can smell roses. Wonderful! Be well! 😊✌️🌻

[designguy]

That is really good awareness on your part and the first step in being able to heal because you can't heal and change if you aren't aware of the problem. We all wish at times that we had the beauty of hindsight much earlier in our lives but we only gain wisdom and understanding by our learned experiences so do give yourself a break jut like you would someone else.

My suggestion is to spend some time improving your self-worth and learning to validate yourself and be more compassionate with yourself. A lot of us were never taught how to do it so it's not something that comes natural for us. There is a lot of good info on youtube about this, I like the youtube videos of Julia Kristina and Bernadette Logue and also Dr. Bernadette Sewell.

[Montana136 in reply to designguy]

Hi Designguy, thank you for the suggestions I will definitely look on youtube. I am more willing to give myself a break today then I was a week ago. I am taking steps forward and I am feeling good about that. It's so great to hear somebody else's perspective, kind of takes you out of your own head. I appreciate your knowledge and encouragement. Be well! 👍✌️

[designguy in reply to Montana136]

You're very welcome and be well also.

[Montana136]

SFGirl4ever! I would totally love a hug! What you said about a hug made me feel so good and smile and every smile is worth the effort! I think that what is familiar to us is what makes us comfortable and that is what we attract. Negativity. I to have refused to relinquish the baggage but I'm starting to look for a way out of that and that is such a good feeling. I keep saying out loud to myself that I'm worth it I deserve good things. This is kind of new for me and it feels good. Been doing about a month now. Of course I'm alone when I do this otherwise I sound crazy. Yes I think this forum has a lot to offer us. I look forward to learning everyday. And it feels good to connect with someone like you it is in a way very reassuring and validating. Be well!! 🌻

[Montana136]

Hi Snowdaze.. you're so right we have to go forward we cannot go backwards. And I suppose it is very difficult to move forward successfully when your eyes and your focus is on what's behind you. Right? That's a really good metaphor. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I will remember that I am worth the effort like you said.. I do feel welcomed here thank you very much. Be well! ✌️

[Shanm2]

Hello Montana, I cannot tell you how much i relate to what you've written here, almost as if you know my inner thoughts! Spooky.

Something new i've been working on is, if i have a negative belief about myself, 'i'm not good enough' I then proceed to ask myself why i feel that i am not good enough and then challenge that thought with evidence against the reasons to why I'm not good enough. And in doing so, remind myself "actually i am good enough and these are my reasons why". And so when you said how do you fix something you don't realise you're doing in the moment, by do so above...in that moment your questioning yourself on the negatives and this could be helpful.

Emotions are a difficult thing and theres no time limit into figuring them out, working through them or simply sitting with them and regardless of how old you are, it takes alot of practice and patience and time on our part to understand how our brain works and what also works best for you to improve yourself/life.

Having said that from what you've written, you seem to have a clear idea of whats not working for you and perhaps the reasons to why you feel the way you do, and this can take years and years to do. So aleast give yourself a little praise for that.

I'm happy to know that this community has been working for you and i hope in your writing this post, you don't feel as alone in who you are and how you feel.

Its easy to sit here, and tell you to be kind to yourself, to have more compassion for yourself, just like you would a friend. But all you can do is try to change the way you view yourself because thats a starting point. You are more capable of doing so, and more worthy than you know.

I hope this helps some.

Take it easy, and Stay strong.

[mrmonk]

Do you know the poem from which this quote was taken?

[mrmonk]

Yeah, I saw the quote was from McDaniel, but I don't own any of his books. I will keep an eye out, though.

[mrmonk]

Hard to say. I noticed the quote was referenced on meme-like images and social media sites -- not the most reliable of sources.