New here and having a rough day...

[RockClimbing]

You are all wonderful people. The support you give each other is truly inspirational. I'm so thankful I found this group.

I've never been one to share my feelings with others. The few times I have it seems to backfire on me and I feel worse for doing so. Does anyone else ever feel like that? I am going to give this a try though.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night crying and couldn't sleep. I have no idea what trigger it this time and I can't seem to get myself out of it. Like many of you I feel alone all the time. I own my own business and I work from home. I have no employees. When I have to go out to meetings for my business it's difficulty but I make myself. While I'm out I feel completely out of place and have no real idea how to interact with people and business is all about making connections. I lack the skills for reading people's body language and making sure my body language matches what I'm saying.

In my personal life, I left my husband 5 years ago after 32 years of an abusive relationship. My kids were out of the house by then and I finally figured out that it wasn't okay the way he treated me. I tried dating and that was awful. I was raped in my own apartment. That event set off terrible PTSD, depression, and anxiety that I have been trying to get a handle on for the last 3 years.

I have tried to talk to my family about it but they don't understand. They think it's something I should just get over. They don't understand that I have years of unresolved abuse that I just didn't let myself feel. I did that so that so I could carry on an be a mom and wife. I sucked it up! Then all of a sudden the worse thing happens and that event makes all of those times that I disregarded myself and my feelings come back to me with no control over them.

I try to get out and get involved in things, yoga, climbing, networking for business, but it's always a struggle. I have 2 girl friends that I occasionally have dinner with or go to the movies, but I would never tell them any of this. My children don't live by me and they both suffer from narcissism inherited from their father.

I have been in therapy for more 6 years and I have coping plans, but its hard to apply those when you're having a a really hard time. My therapist tells me I'm really good at it most of the time, but when I get really down I can't seem to get there at all and the only option is a dark one.

Thank you for reading the readers digest version of my story. It's the first time I've ever told anyone other than my therapist. I hope to be an active member of this group and to help others.

[califa]

We are here to help and being helped- Welcome to the site.

[CatIsMyCopilot]

I'm so sorry for all the bad experiences you've had. I can't imagine the strength it takes to make it through those things. I admire your resilience. Even if you're still having a tough time, you keep going, which is great.

Try to give yourself compassion, even if others don't. I've been trying to improve on this myself, reading the book "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff.

[RockClimbing in reply to CatIsMyCopilot]

Thank you CatIsMyCopilot. Very good advice! Thank you for reading my story and for reminding me to be compassionate to me. I do that for others, but not for myself. I will try.

[CatIsMyCopilot in reply to RockClimbing]

I have found it's helped me a lot, and it's such a simple idea. You almost only need to read the first couple chapters of the book. Basically, remember to acknowledge your suffering and comfort yourself for it (as well as to remember that suffering is part of life), before you launch into problem solving, or self-criticism. You can still do those latter two if you want to, but for me everything feels easier after acknowledging my pain, that sometimes I don't even bother with the self-criticism.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

It took a lot of courage to share your story. Thank you for trusting us with it. It also reinforced my gratitude for the people in this community that they showed you the welcome you deserve.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through the trauma you have endured. And glad you’re in therapy. I imagine that thirty-two years of abuse cannot be undone quickly. There’s a saying I’ve heard that goes something like “if it took 32 years to walk (or be led into) the woods, I’m not walking out in a year (or 6).” And then to add the rape. Shit, you’ve been through hell.

You will get better support here than I can give, so I’m glad you shared. I can identify with the black festering hole of depression and the wanting to jump out of my skin of anxiety, but my particulars are different.

Keep posting and let us listen to your feelings. Even though I can’t identify with your background, I’m a good listener, so PM me anytime. Lynne

[RockClimbing in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Thank you Lynne. I appreciate your words and this wonderful group. Side note: I haven't seen that particular spelling of the name Lynne in a long time. I think it's the most beautiful. It was my sisters middle name. Thank you

[Hidden in reply to RockClimbing]

My sisters middle name also

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you for sharing. You’re very brave. I know I appreciate it. 💛

[RockClimbing in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you Neuronerd 🤗

[Tealribbon]

I am so sorry you feel alone. It can feel like an ever growing hole in the heart. It took a lot of courage for you to leave your abusive relationship. Then to experience a rape!!

My heart goes out to you. Please keep sharing and we will listen. I too have been in therapy for several years. I am considering something called EMDR. I hear it works well to relieve symptoms of trauma. U r not alone. ❤️

[RockClimbing in reply to Tealribbon]

Hi Tealribbon Thank you for your kind words of support. I have doing EMDR and it definitely helps with those past memories. It’s quite amazing actually. Definitely give it a try!

[Need2Believe]

Hi RockClimbing

You are a very strong and brave person. My mother and sister were raped and abused before and they never got the help that they needed to help them deal with it. I am happy to hear that you are trying to take the positive route. Although things are hard now, in time it will get better.

[RockClimbing in reply to Need2Believe]

Thank you Need2Believe. I’m sorry for your mother and sister. It definitely changes your life. And trying to find my way back is the longest road I’ve ever been on but I keep trying. As we all do 🤗

[Need2Believe in reply to RockClimbing]

Thank you! Yes it did change their life and mine as well because I saw a time when they were abused. But I believe you will find your way back.

[RockClimbing in reply to Need2Believe]

I’m so sorry. That must have been terrible, 😶 no words. Thank you 🤗 for sharing your story with me.

[Manu79]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, you are a strong woman no doubt. You went through a lot and still standing give yourself credit and welcome to the site

[RockClimbing in reply to Manu79]

Thank you for your kind words Manu79. 😊

[Want2BHappy3]

It was a Big mistake sharing your feelings with family and friends, they don't want to hear it and want it to go away cause they don't understand what your going through. My kids isolate me and when I'm around family or friends. I pretend everything's good. By the way I pretty much have one friend and I think she's still around because I take her to doctor appointments? So get counciling and feel Free to write here.

[RockClimbing in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Thank you Want2BHappy3. I usually don’t share my feelings with my family anymore. I’m so glad to have this group. I feel safe here. 🤗

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to RockClimbing]

Sorry it shouldn't be that way, but it is, family and friends need to get educated on mental illness. We're here for You. Get counciling to help you get through this.

[Rachel2535]

Depression is so difficult and PTSD adds a whole other layer. Also abuse is never ok I commend you for getting out of that situation. Being in therapy is also a great thing. I had depression for 25 years and thought I would never heal from it. I too was abused but as a child and that caused so many issues and negative behaviors growing up. However I was healed over 11 years ago and thank God everyday for that. There is hope. Sometimes we can go through therapy for years but if we don’t deal with the whole body which includes the soul. There is an amazing book that helped me immensely it is called Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy. I hope you will read it. I am praying for you. -Rachel

[RockClimbing in reply to Rachel2535]

Thank you Rachel. You give me hope. I will definitely check out the book.