My past won't let me live

[Anais_89]

I was in a very verbal and physical abusive relationship in the past and now all I can do is think that maybe everything that person kept saying to me is true maybe I won't ever find someone who will love me for me or I will never be good enough to be taken seriously or maybe I'm just meant to be alone because having some one feels like it hurts so much more to love someone than to just keep to urself.

And this new relationship the person treats me good but I feel like i care more than they could ever care I feel like maybe I'm waisting my time maybe I just just go away and never look back it's like I'm too much for him to understand and handle I get moody and I push him away I feel like we've been communicating less and things arnt the same anymore and I'm starting to fall out of love even tho I don't want to

[Endlessnightmare]

I know this is easy said than done as I myself am working on mastering "loving myself" you have to love yourself before you can love ANYONE else no matter how nice or good they are to you. It takes a long time to heal after being in abusive relationship, I went to support groups after my narcissistic husband abandoned me and our two young daughters. It took years and I was very lonely but I had to be someone I wanted to be with (if that makes any sense) if I couldn't stand myself all broken, sad and depressed how was anyone else supposed to stand me? I was very happy in my marriage. It is still hard for me to process that the love of my life was not a real person, he didn't know who he was, still doesn't. As happy as I was with some ones lies I know that I will be even happier in some ones truth. Build a life that makes you happy, I promise you will not care who cares the most about who in your next relationship. you will be to happy loving your life!

[Anais_89 in reply to Endlessnightmare]

I have an appointment on the 28th I've never had professional help so hopefully that helps me understand how to cope and heal I've tried loving myself and at times I do but at times I can't control but to not love myself or not worry about someone not loving me enough my problems are deeper than just an abusive relationship but thanks so.much for the support hopefully I can learn to just as you did

[Endlessnightmare in reply to Anais_89]

I was married for to the man of my dreams he was kind and loving and supportive he not only excepted me flaws and all he made me feel loved, his every action and response showed me that he completely understood me. we had a beautiful wedding with all of our friends and family and 2 years later we had a beautiful baby girl who we both adored. he loved her every bit as much I did, when she was 6 we had our second daughter our lives were so happy. We owned our home and both had good carriers our daughters were happy and healthy he was their soccer coach, their swim team coach, he was even the dance school dad! in June of 2015 he had surgery (nothing serious) while he was home recovering a woman knocked on my front door. She was older and unkempt (no teeth and obvious IV drug user from the looks of her arms) I told my daughters to go their room as I opened the door. My entire life came to end that afternoon. Almost every thing I knew about my husband was a lie. He had been living a double life for years he was addicted to methamphetamine and living with a prostitute. some of his friends (our mutual friends) knew, he told them I was verbally abusive and he had to escape from his miserable life with me! I am still confused, devastated, lonely at times... I will never understand how someone could fake a whole entire life for years. I was a good wife and mother I am not the one who lied and cheated and no matter what he says about me or to me nothing can change the truth. I am just now starting to love myself again and lil by lil I am starting to live again

[CloudyStorms11]

I know exactly how you feel and it’s not an easy thing to live with. My very first boyfriend I had (ages 13-17) was very abusive. And I didn’t know any better because I was so young. When I was 24 I met an amazing guy who treated me like a queen. We just recently took a break so that we can focus on putting ourselves back together. But our whole relationship I would hold back from him because I was told so many times ‘no one cares what you say/think/feel’. So I wouldn’t communicate anything with him and it tore us apart because he genuinely did want me to open up with him. It’s cliche, but you do have to learn how to love yourself again before you can actively be in love someone else. You just have to tell yourself that you are worth loving. You are worth everything he wants to give you!

[Anais_89]

I was 15 when I first left my.house because I was being abused there to.end up being physically and mentally abused by my first love and ever sense then if been hard to truly love someone again until I met my children's father he was nice at first till I found out I was 3 months pregnant that's when everything changed the verbal abuse started then it got physical and after my first born things just kept getting worse I left him a few times but always went back believing every broken promise ended having my second chip things wernt as bad this time but he still put his hands on me time to time I finally left him a year ago and I haven't felt what I feel with my current relationship well what I first felt with my current relationship we dated in the past before my kids father and we kept in touch in between even tried dating again during a time I had deprecated from my kids father didn't work out I didn't expect anything serious with him this time around but he insisted I've been tons of his family his mom loves me and my kids but recently we had an argument and out of anger he rubbed in my face my past situation with my kids father and he apologized said he feels embarrassed and awful and needs time to heal for hurting me that that's why things haven't been the same sense but I feel confused because shouldn't I be the one who needs healing smh idk he talks to me less the I love you became less calls became less and I feel like there is some type of tension I tried telling him maybe it's better if we just split up but he isisnt he just needs time and that he doesn't want us to take a break or end things