I am 34 years old this month. I am a twin. My mother is dying in the hospital. I have seen her go to the hospital 9 times in 6 months. I have recognized my mother to be cheated by the hospitals. She had a surgery that left her unable to walk in October, and she is currently dying in the hospital. They diagnosed her with an "incurable disease: Bullous Pemhigoid." I struggle each day seeing my mother go through what she has been put through and dying. It hurts.
There is just not enough support for me, and my family.
I am not married, I am single, and I have no children. I don't identify with those in my age bracket because I don't have any children and I am not married. I went to a "white college" and never really transitioned into mainstream society. College was nice, and I miss those days.
My town is predominantly gay. It is painful to be single, straight, and a minority in my town. I am served last as a young woman. The city events are all about the gays, and if its not a gay related event, the other activities are swayed that way. I am pro gay and everything, but it effects me being single in my town. Its difficult to be single and straight. There's no support for me. Everything is expensive, and I can't afford to live in the same town I grew up in. Rent is too high for me to have a selection of most apartment complexes, let alone a nice small home. The cost of food is expensive. The other day, I had somebody behind me in line embarrass me in a coffee shop saying, "YOUR NOT GOING TO LEAVE A TIP? aloud so everyone can hear."
I can't afford to leave a tip (and besides, I wasn't going to anyways.... its a grab and go place, not a restaurant)." It hurt. I wanted to throw the food away and leave, but I ended up eating quietly with my twin off to the side of the restaurant. I haven't been back.
I have also experienced "Adult Bullying" in my town. Its a racist town. The cops, businesses, etc. I find myself not surviving and thriving, at all. It has effected my mental health causing depression, anxiety, worry, and preventing me to reach out to others from being overwhelmed by group efforts with tactics of downplaying/ minimizing my experiences.
I am thinking of moving, but right now I cant afford to and I haven't figured out a plan to do so. At the moment, I am watching over my mother. She is still at the hospital. I would like for her to be home.
When my mother passes, I will end up leaving the reservation (Indian land controlled by different laws from the US government), and live in mainstream society. My family is 2 generations from "the hut." I anticipate a lot of changes in my life.
