Looking for Support

[BlackenedShield]

I'm going to try for the short version here:

1. 45-yr-old male, happily married

2. Highly functional with episodes of intense depression since approx. 18 yrs old.

3. Highly motivated and accomplished (e.g., advanced degrees, published author, teacher, international travel)

4. Can't seem to get a full-time job in academia, a frequent complaint among advanced degree grads ... meanwhile, closest peers already had jobs in this field or got them soon after graduation.

5. Took a part-time job for which I was vastly overqualified, but happy to do as it provided a valuable service (which is important to me) and was a significant source of income.

6. Laid off from that job this past week after 2.5 years.

7. Utterly daunted by career direction and job prospects, but, of course, the need is now urgent for a full-time job. I literally have no idea what to do apart from academia.

I've also experienced increasing depression since around Thanksgiving. I was quite irritable throughout December until after Christmas, then I slid into the sadness, lethargy, lack of motivation, and more than anything, hopelessness and futility.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here, but it feels like my situation is complex and unique and it helps to try explaining it concisely.

[Darkhouse]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your job. How did you treat your depression in the past? Did you use medications or therapy? You probably don't have access to therapy right now w the job/ lack of insurance situation. I'm in my 40's and have also battled major depression since my teens. It pops up out of nowhere, although loosing a job would definitely exacerbate it. Did something happen over the holidays, or was it just the holidays themselves that caused the blues? I mean, that's the definition of depression, to be depressed when there is no legitimate reason to be. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now....

[BlackenedShield in reply to Darkhouse]

Thanks for the quick reply. It's nice to have a dialogue going on OUTSIDE my head.

I use a full range of treatments: meds, talk therapy, vitamin D supplement, omega-3 vitamins, keeping busy, etc. Sometimes, it helps, and sometimes there's nothing for it but to endure until the worst passes. Recently increased med dosage with doctor's approval, so hoping that will take some effect in another week or so.

The holiday thing is probably related to my dad, who had his first heart attack when I was in high school ... and that rocked my teenage world pretty hard at that time. That was around Christmas. He had a second heart attack a few years ago around the same time of year, and I happened to be out of the country and unable to return home at the time. I don't consciously associate that with pretty much hating Christmas: consciously, I'm just being a judgmental ass about all the sentimental crap surrounding Christmas.

It was already a struggle and the job thing was just bad timing, though I was thinking rather existentially for quite some time already about academia and the lack of movement there on the job front.

[Kelkel00 in reply to BlackenedShield]

I can relate about the Christmas holidays being tough. Part of me loves Christmas but the other part abhors it because it reminds me of days/years past and I miss those innocent times of childhood, where I didn’t have the worries and struggles I now associate with this time of year. I also find myself comparing my fragmented family to others and being sad about what I no longer have.

So yeah, I can relate.

[Darkhouse in reply to BlackenedShield]

Yeah, for me, depression is a life-long battle that sometimes I'm winning at, sometimes, not so much. It does just pop up out of nowhere, that tricky mofo. I feel at times that I'm sharing my mind w a terrorist that's trying to steal away everything that's good and happy in my life. It tells me dreadful things about myself, makes me wanna crawl under the blankets and not come out. But I have to realize that it's the illness, not me, saying those horrible things. The voice isn't actually real, even though it sounds so legitimate when it's sounding off inside my head. The holidays just suck. I try to not even acknowledge them at all. My MIL's bday is Christmas day, yuck, so we can't forget it all together. I'm really sorry that you're having to search for employment right now, that's never fun. You're a very intelligent and accomplished person, so that will set you apart from other applicants. You write very well too. I have no doubt that you will be able to find something, it's just will it be something that you enjoy. I guess they say it's easier to find a job when you have a job, so maybe after finding something to get by, you can keep looking for something else. What would your absolute dream job be? Absolute, like, no holds barred? I'd like to be some kind of doctor. Or a rock star, lol.... In another lifetime!!!!

[KCLombo]

Hi. I hear you. Maybe some medication and a visit to a psychologist can help. My job can be stressful and sometimes I want to just do something new and different. Try thinking outside the box and think about something you love that you can do in the meantime. Working with animals, or at a warm and comforting environment like a spa. Ot look into tutoring. SO many kids need help out there and maybe you would be good at that and enjoy it.