I stared at myself in the mirror

[orangesmiths]

I wake up everyday at the same time, 8AM so that I can take my antidepressant. I struggled a lot in the past with taking it consistently so I forced myself to just wake up and do it first thing in the morning so that I don't forget. Last night I broke down in front of my mother and told her all of the scary thoughts and feelings I've been holding in. It's so terrifying. I sat on the edge of her bed, so close to her yet I felt a million miles away. I gave her my honest thoughts about how miserable and hopeless I feel. I told her how unhappy I am. I told her how I feel that I know too much for my own good. I told her how tired I am and how badly I want to give up. It was very difficult to even get the words out of my mouth because I could feel my throat closing. My throat literally closes and stops me from saying what my mind is thinking and it is literally painful. It is physically painful to express how I feel because I'm holding back tears, I'm taking short and erratic breaths, my mind is racing through every single thought I conjure in my head. So when I try to speak, it hurts. I want so badly to say what's on my mind and express how I feel. To distract myself from that pain of speaking, I fidget with my fingers. I pick the skin around my nails, I trace the lines in my palms, I scratch the tops of my kneecaps, I trace the designs on the fluffy blanket back and forth, smoothing it out and ruffling it up. I feel my spine stiffen up and my stomach will ache. My chest will tighten and burn. I hate this feeling. So I don't speak. I sit and let the tears fall fast and silently down my cheeks. I take gasping breaths as if I'm drowning . Right in front of my mother. I can't even look her in the eyes because I'm scared to see the look of heartbreak and despair in her. Almost like looking in a mirror. This morning, I was heavy with guilt and sadness. I wanted to sleep in but the day had other plans for me. I hadn't brushed my teeth in a few days and I could taste the foulness on my breath. I passed my mirror not even taking a glance but I knew I was dirty. I make my way to the kitchen following my grumbling stomach but I don't feed myself. The windows are open and natural sunlight bathes my entire house. It was very bright but refreshing. "Did you take your medicine?" I nod yes. "What about your antibiotics?" I shake my head no. "You should take it." "Okay momma." Saunter back to my room, find my water bottle empty. I go to fill it. But wait I have to eat something with this medicine. I suck down an applesauce quickly and then go back to my room to swallow this fat pill. Okay, done. "Gather things you want to donate" okay, I already went through all my belongings and sorted through what mattered to me and what didn't. But before I can donate anything, mom has to sort through it too. I didn't want to keep anything, she would ask about every single item she picked out of bags and boxes. "What about this?" Blank stare. "Keep or donate?" Another blank stare. All I could think was, "I do not care, I kept what matters to me. I don't want to be alive anyway so why does it matter?" But I did not say it. I asked her why she wanted to keep my old awards and certificates. Her response brought me to tears. I wanted so badly to just say "I don't see a future for myself so I don't want to keep items with memories if I won't even be alive to remember them." Depressing. Some items stayed, the rest gone. Frustrated because I'm sweaty and I smell and my hair is a mess. I think it's clear that I'm not okay. When I'm asked by anyone, "how are you?" My response is not the most positive. "Are you okay?" No. "Why?" I'm just not okay. I ate my sandwich, tasted pretty good. Came to my room to decide what I should do and I knew I needed a shower. Only a couple of clean clothes left to wear so I might as well just shower. Cried in the shower. I used cold water to try and wake myself up or focus and stop crying but I think I needed to cry it out. Okay, finally clean. Look at myself in the mirror. Do I love what I see? Do I love who I see? Clean up after yourself. Go brush your hair, maybe do a hairstyle. Sit in front of your mirror . So I sat. And stared. I stared at the eyes that stared back at me. My face is round, I have freckles that are splattered across my nose bridge and cheeks. My hair is brown and curly. "Wow" I think. Okay let's just brush your hair, put it in a protective hairstyle. Listen to my new music playlist. If you don't know the artist Emotional Oranges, try it out. I listened to their entire discography and I love it. Tune out the music and stare into your own eyes. Don't blink, keep staring. Why am I crying now? I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. It's warm. Blink. Three tears fall. It tastes salty but sweet. Why? Keep staring at yourself. "How can you look at someone with this look in your eyes?" How can anyone see this look in your eyes and not want to help? What do I want? What can I do to comfort myself? Hugs. I feel safe in warm arms. I feel loved when a kind hand moves the hair out of my face. I crave gentle embrace that is secure and will not let me go until I know I am safe. Keep staring at yourself. Do you see her? The scared child in you? The child that still craves for kindness and love? I can see her. She's twenty years old now, still crying for help. Keep staring into the mirror. Would the mirror lie to me? Show me only what I want to see? Or would the mirror show me only what I choose to show the mirror? No more tears, but I can still feel them hiding behind my eyes. If you've read this far, I hope this wasn't confusing. It's a bit strange just typing out my entire thoughts and trying to string them together in cohesive sentences. It made sense to me, because I experienced it. What I write here is my own form of therapy. I can slow my mind down just enough to get through what I need to get through. I wonder if there's a character limit on this website. But again, if you've read this far, even if you can't relate to anything I wrote here I feel less alone. Thank you

[Darkhouse]

You are an amazing writer luv... Seriously amazing. I couldn't stop reading it. It flowed so well and so beautifully. I can feel your pain, but I can also tell that you are very intelligent, very gifted, very deep, very insightful, and able to express yourself in a delightful way. I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I hope that your mum can provide some comfort, even if she doesn't fully understand it. Hugs are nice. Congrats on getting in the shower today, that's huge! I have those battles myself, where I'm absolutely disgusted w myself yet I still can't bring myself bathe. You rock for finding the strength! You sound beautiful... I love freckles so much. My mom has them and she's the most beautiful woman in the world... I love curly hair too, of course I'm partial to it, 'cause I have it lol 😊. Hang in there beautiful.....

[orangesmiths in reply to Darkhouse]

thank you so much for sharing this moment with me <3

[Agora1]

orangesmiths, I too agree with Darkhouse in that you are an amazing writer.

I was pulled into your life's journey feeling the emotions in each word you wrote.

At one time, I too did a lot of staring in the mirror, wondering who I was and where

I was going in life. I found it interesting that what I saw in my eyes were portrayed

in how I felt at the time. As I got better with time and learned to love myself for who

I was and not who someone else wanted me to be, the eyes in the mirror reflected

back a sparkle, a happier person. I hope you find yourself one day so that you can

feel comfortable within your own body. Sit and Stand tall as to who you are.

Dry your tears dear one. Life is waiting for you. Believe in yourself and know

with help you can and will find a reason for the future. My best to you xx

[Kelkel00]

Wow, you really are a beautiful writer!!! Have anything else you’ve written to share? I was mesmerized by your writing style!

[orangesmiths in reply to Kelkel00]

I write poems sometimes, thank you for your kind words you have no idea how much it means to me

[Sparsley32]

So beautifully written. I think you just described what many of us go through on our hardest days. Keep pushing forward and do what you have to do in order to cope and heal. Praying for you.

[orangesmiths in reply to Sparsley32]

thank you, sending positive energy your way <3

[SCC1 in reply to orangesmiths]

Hi! Wow! When I was reading your post, I had first thought "this is really well-written and interesting!" As I read more, I honestly wondered if I was reading an excerpt from a book. I felt like I was right there w/ you, experiencing the things you are feeling. I am sorry you are feeling like you are, and I hope you feel better. You have an exceptional talent for writing and expressing yourself. You seem very passionate about that. And I know you are worth everything, too! Take care of yourself. xx