When I fight my pain, I am hurting myself (Self remind)

[Autumn26]

I used to struggle and fight my panic attack and agoraphobia, I don't want to die. But in the each fight I NEVER win, I cry, hurt, nobody can comfort me. This whole 6 months are the most horrifying nightmares in my whole life.

Until one day, I occasionally know a word__inner child. Then I realize, each time when I feel pain, it's actually my inner child is in pain. So when I scold and fight my own emotion, it's like I'm fighting myself as a child.

This child is so helpless, she just want a hug, she just wish me to accept herself. But each time I will do the opposite, I won't let her speak, I won't let her has the chance to express herself (btw this is how my parents treat me when I was a kid), I push her more farther away. I afraid of her, I hate her, I hope she disappear. Which is impossible because the child is actually... A part of me.

After I watcheded the animation <inner child> by Hannah Grace on YouTube, when the main character in the video see her own inner child in chains, bleeding, she bursts out tears, and so do I. I am actually torturing my inner child (myself) all the time. I am so cruel to myself without knowing it.

These days when the panic attack happen, I don't dodge. I let the pain take control of me, I try to accept, it's a part of me. Which is so hard because it's too painful. I do whatever I want to in my own room, I cry out loud, I punch my pillow to reduce the pain. And I always remind myself: It's okay to feel this way. Slowly few days later, the pain becomes softer, it's still there, but at least I can bear it.

If there's anybody who read this, thank you so much, it's very long so it must take a long time to read.

[Agora1]

Autumn26, thank you so much for sharing that insightful wisdom. What a beautiful inspiring post. I like the way you express yourself with words. "the pain becomes softer" We learn from our own experiences in life. It seems like you have learned a lot about yourself at such a young age. Love, care and acceptance is what we all need when feeling lost and alone. My best to you Autumn xx

[Autumn26 in reply to Agora1]

I am glad you find it helpful, it means a lot to me, really. I never thought my life experience can help other people, I always face my anxiety all alone... Thank you so much!

[Agora1 in reply to Autumn26]

Autumn, your post was more than helpful and I appreciate that. We learn from each other's experiences. That is what this forum is all about, supporting and helping each other. xx

[Hidden]

I am sorry you are feeling this. I can relate. Hope you have a peaceful pain free weekend.

[Autumn26 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much, I hope you have a peaceful day too!

[Preciouslamb1]

Thank you for your post. It really helped to see your perspective ❤️

[Survivor1687]

((hugs))