Sharing a conversation I had with myself

[Magicdreamer]

I've been on and off with a partner for just over a year now and we both mirror each other however, I'm doing the work on myself, unravelling things about me that I reject in others which is actually a blessing showing me what's going on inside of me and what I'm rejecting... So, I'd like to share the conversation I had with myself with you. Please note that during this conversation I became peaceful, focused and my awareness was perfect balance in neutral.... It was an authentic moment. 😊 I keep going back to read it for encouragement.

I was in victim mode blaming so this is how the conversation began....

Question: What is the blessing or opportunity within this lesson? (I'm learning not to chase the answer but rather let it come to me)....

Answer:. That I'm not perfect - the primary emotion, shame.

Question:. What is the hidden blessing or opportunity in this lesson of not being perfect?

Answer: That I'm allowed to make mistakes - I felt defensive in this moment because I felt like I was wrong with Chris and I didn't want to admit to being wrong....

Question:. What is the blessing or opportunity in this lesson?

Answer:. Learning to let go.... Learning to move on - I felt regret when I acknowledged I was wrong.... I accepted, acknowledged and validated this as important.

Question:. How do I accept doing wrong?

Answer:. I feel guilty when I do wrong...

Question:. What's bad with feeling guilty?

Answer:. It feels heavy

What's bad with feeling heavy?

Answer: I don't want to feel heavy - defensive, arrogant and self righteous..

**This is the point where total peace arrived....

The door with Chris is closed.

We needed each other for the wrong reasons - lonilnes. We all need to experience lonilness and we both lied because it was neediness.

Question:. What. I resisting in this moment? I felt defensive again and I disapproved of feeling defensive. (Stubbornness was not acknowledging this) - validated.

**Peace arose once again**

Conversation that flowed...

Learn to feel when you feel defensive and not react.

You've done nothing wrong.

You're learning and it's okay to fail. Failing shows you what's not working and to try something new.

I'm not a failure - I learn through failing. (Big difference) 😊

Question: what's the blessing or opportunity in this lesson?

Answer: Trust. Trust EVERYTHING

Barbara, you are growing. More than you think. You're NOT a failure. You are a warrior. You will fail many times. Trust the process. Never give up. Everyone learns from everyone so don't concern yourself with how they will get along as we're all looked after and on our own journey.

Well done for failing and for wrong doing. 😁

Question:. I do wrong, make mistakes and fail to learn?

Yes.

I feel guilty for this?

Yes.

Never give up! This is what makes you human. Your fight to thrive is the fire.

Saying no is a lesson for building solid boundaries. Neediness is not wanting to be alone. You need to find comfort in being alone. Only you know how to do this.

Question: I thought being alone was seperation?

Answer: There's is seperation within - find people who allow you to express yourself freely. Don't be scares. They are out there - accept yourself and accept them.

It's okay as everything is right on schedule and is going according to plan. You're exactly where you are for a reason. Relax! Enjoy the Sun. 😁

[hypercat54]

Wow what an amazing post Barbara. You are becoming more self aware and listening to your feelings. Let them feeling guide you and point you in the right direction and you won't go far wrong. Well done. x

[Magicdreamer in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you. Today, I asked myself... What would someone who loves themselves do and I got... Go for a walk. I heard take your cv and follow your feet.... So I did. I landed up at an old age home, which I've wanted to volunteer at.... I spoke to a guy, Daanie at the gate and he asked me me if I had my CV which I smiled and said yes! 😁 He then took it inside and came back to say would call me. I then continued to follow my feet and body which took me across a busy road and no way to get up a hill unless I ran up it which is covered with concrete anyway. I did it and I made it even in front of the traffic. There is a horse farm across from where I live and I stood and watched a white horse who looked she was sleeping standing. I stood on the other side of the fence watching her knowing she knew I was present. Then a rush of emotional wave hit me and I started to cry. It's like she helped me with something and then she she sat down and I did too. I'm taking this day to grieve and to be sad and to find comfort in being alone. Thank you for your beautiful encouragement as it means so much. Thank you xxx

[hypercat54 in reply to Magicdreamer]

You are very welcome. This is one of those rare and precious moments which will live in your memory forever. It will be there for you to bring out when you are feeling low or lost. You never forget a lightbulb moment. x

[Magicdreamer in reply to hypercat54]

I'm really learning to trust the process and embrace sadness and grief as it's been tough. I'm also learning that when I do follow my body even in the direction of not knowing where I'm going, feeling the anxiety and fear and still walking is pure trust and it felt easy. It felt like genuine flow. Thank you for just always being one of the people that takes the time to read and for just being there. I'm on the ass end of the world but you make a difference in my life. So, thank you. Xxx

[hypercat54 in reply to Magicdreamer]

Aw bless thank you my friend. I can relate very much to what you are saying as have been (and still am sometimes) going on a very similar journey to you. I have always tried to dampen my emotions feeling they don't matter and I don't either. I am learning to try and feel the pain but letting it come anyway.

Onwards and upwards. x

[Magicdreamer in reply to hypercat54]

We've got this! We're champions! Xxx

[hypercat54 in reply to Magicdreamer]

😁🐱‍👓💖 xx