Severe attachment problems in relationships

[Interstellar1994]

I feel completely trapped by my fear of abandonment. I’ve been seeing someone for a year now, who I love. Throughout the year he has been so good to me in person. He supports me, i have fun with him, he’s kind. However, he doesn’t want to be in an actual relationship “right now” but it’s been a year. I know he has slept with other girls and lied to me. But technically, he’s allowed to. I pretend that I’m okay with it because the thought of losing him is like hell to me. It’s all I think about. I worry about it all day and night. I’m terrified of him leaving me. I’m confused how I can feel so loved by someone, but so rejected at the same time.

Every time he doesn’t text back for an hour I will literally start crying and have panic attacks. I’m writing this as he is mad at me for something right now, and I am terrified he will leave. I can’t get out of bed and he hasn’t actually even left. I feel like if I lose him I will have nothing and will be in a miserable existence. I have no job other than cocktail waitressing and I have no passion or motivation and just feel depressed all the time. I spend all day waiting to hear from him and worrying that he’s thinking about leaving. He knows I have anxiety, but he doesn’t know about this, I hide it well bc I’m afraid if he knew how much I was hurting because of him he’d leave me. He’s strong willed and independent, unlike me.

I feel so alone in this. I’ve never met anyone with an attachment problem like mine. The obvious advice is to leave and find someone who wants to be with me, fully. But I can’t explain how much that doesn’t feel like an option to me. It feels like he’s the only thing that can make me happy anymore

[Tikirob]

Thanks for writing such a wonderfully inciteful and honest post. You are greater than you think you are. Your heart is in a good place and that’s something not everyone has.

I have been afraid of being abandoned my whole life and this past year it really felt that I was although I brought it on myself as much as some pulled away from me. My partner of ten years and I broke up, my mom passed and my uncle too, friends were fed up with my needyness and I eventually had to live out of my car for a while. The whole time I thought I was an ugly awful person who in fearing abandonment had brought it on myself.

It has made me stronger than ever. It has made me begin to love myself and and respect others in a much more enlightened way. I realize what I had feared my whole life, the great cause of anxiety, the reason I held onto toxic relationships, the reason I became passive aggressive towards the people I knew when they did not return my calls, text back, or give the same energy I was giving was because - I was completely afraid of being myself.

I struggle with loneliness. It’s hard and sad. But I am becoming less codependent and for a person like me with a mental disorder that’s a huge thing.

I pray you can find the strength to get excited about the prospect of a new door opening for yourself. To picture a life where you are more worried about what you want to do rather than what someone else is doing. I can see that you already know what’s holding you back. Imagine obsessing about your freedom one day rather than another persons care free life.

It’s a long process but therapy, anxiety groups, and good people can get you through it. You can do it.

[Interstellar1994 in reply to Tikirob]

Thank you so much for responding. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you. I do think that at the root, it could be insecurities and fear of myself. I just started seeing a new therapist, so I’m hoping that helps. It sounds like you’ve made some progress! You’re response is so intuitive, I know you’ve had plenty of time to grow from this. Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned

[Tikirob in reply to Interstellar1994]

Anytime! You can do it!

[urbetterthanthem]

Tough predicament. Sounds like he isn't at the same level of intimacy..That can either turn out as him never being as into you or him realizing at some future point that you are the best person for him and only one he wants to be with. There are so many grey areas though..Some people are in more open relationships..One thing is for sure is that trying to keep a chin up and have success in your life and progress with or without him being super intimate is the best attitude to help things work with him or if he doesn't come around someone even better..You can only control what you do in teh equation, not what he does..So make peace with that and do things best on your end and I hope he comes around...

[foobarbaz]

My ex wife is like you. She left me, a faithful husband of ten years for some guy who is apparently nicer than me but is playing her the same way you describe. Seeing other women and not committing to anything.

Honestly there's not neccisarily anything wrong with attachment. But wouldn't you rather be with a man who's ready to commit. Believe it or not, there are tons of us out there. I know it's scary, but your stronger than you think.

Are you sure your not just attracted to this kind of man? Maybe we can help each other understand our situations I honestly have no idea why my ex wife is so in love with this new idiot. She's acting like a teenager but she has two kids.

I can kinda relate to your attachment though, even after a divorce and everything I'm finding it very hard to let go. Maybe I just ask you this, why does it have to be him? What if he was ready to marry you? Would you still be as obsessed as you are, or is it the fact that he's a free agent that's so attractive.

These are honest questions, maybe they are no help, and you don't have to answer. Either way I feel your pain. Wish I had an answer for you, but for right now I'm kinda stuck, maybe even worse than you, since we are not even together anymore.

[Interstellar1994 in reply to foobarbaz]

To be honest, he’s the second guy I’ve dated whose done this to me. The first was only for a few months. But I have wondered if there is something drawing me to it, despite how painful it is. But a factor to consider, I live in LA. Not surprising how many men here won’t commit. Another, he didnt tell me he didn’t want a relationship until about three months in and I was already attached. I don’t think I intended to be in another “relationship” like this. I look at my friends who have good, healthy relationships and I’m happy for them, but also so sad that I can’t have it with the person I love. Im not sure what has happened with your wife, but I do know some like that. Some might feel more desired if they get attention from someone they can’t really have. Was it out of the blue?

[foobarbaz in reply to Interstellar1994]

Yes it kinda was, hit me like a ton of bricks. I think it's normal for any woman, to some extent, to feel the way you do.

But you gotta remember that your not defined by the person you love. When we get stuck in relationships so long it feels like we can't live without them. But it's not true. As the days go by, I'm slowly realizing that I'm okay. Still hopelessly attached, but the pain is lessoning at least.

I heard a good lecture today from a psychologist, he was saying that we fear what we don't know, but when we are exposed to that fear we slowly realize that we are much stronger than we think.

You sound like a really great and introspective person, if he can't commit, it is ultimately his loss.

From a man's perspective I can tell you, we may act cool, but we never forget the girls we leave behind. Someday he will think to himself, "what was I doing, I wasted a great opportunity with her".

Unfortunately men in our society are just encouraged to be childish and run from their feelings. It's not all your fault. I'm sorry it's happening. I know the pain is intense.

There really are guys out there dying for a commitment though. Just gotta keep yourself whole, with or without a partner, so your ready when you find him.

[Pri0606]

Hey thr.. u said u havent met anyone lik u til now.. ta da..here i am.. n i go thru word by word wat u go thru everyday.. atleast ur lucky, unlike me who has a baby to take care, n extremely irritable husband whom i cant think of leaving.. lik il die if i do.. im in pathetic condition.. but im going great lengths to heal myself.. talking to peopl.. n trying hynotherapy...

[Afrohair]

You Need to start loving yourself do you deserve to be treated this way? I think that you deserve so much more if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and you do it’s not going to take you anywhere other than a sense of despair.A red flag should be that he slept with other people and lied to you why does he feel the need to lie if you’re in an open relationship he wants you too but won’t let you go either .basically wantsBest of both worlds . sending the wrong messages out

[Genuinearies04]

Wow I’m so glad that you’re sharing this. I have the same problem. What helps me is to try to focus on other things. Put my phone down or put his phone number on “do not disturb”. Sometimes watching TV or focusing on a good book helps also.

[CoderMom]

I'm actually in a similar situation right now. I've been dating a man for just over 1.5 years now and he tells me he may never want to get married, but he loves me. However, he feels he is unattracted to me and yet he is older and starting to deal with some men issues and he feels that is what is causing part of the issue. I have my own health issues and feel like no matter what I do, no man will ever want me and I keep hoping and praying that GOD will grant me a husband before my body decides to stop working or before it gets to a point where truly I am no good to any relationship. From all I have read, it will get there, but I am hoping I still have time yet and he decides he wants to be with me. He's like my last hope, because of my health issues. I have other challenges due to being wrongfully slandered for years, so I have no support system, and family isn't there either. I do work and I am driven when it comes to work, but I might lose that when said health hits a certain point and have no one to rely on after that.

I wish you all the best! I completely empathize with your situation. For me personally, I pray and have my faith...