sexual orientation crisis and unrequited love

[VictoriaYu]

I’m 21 years old. I’m a fourth-year student at a university who currently lives with my parents and suffers from severe anxiety. Recently I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a bisexual woman with a preference for a same-sex relationship, after years of living in denial and suppressing my feelings towards other women. I live in Russia, and that’s why there is a huge problem with my sexual identity and my future as a member of an LGBTQ+ community. The only person who genuinely supports me in this is my sister, while our parents are strictly against this, thus, I will never be able to tell them who I am. My friends also know about my sexuality, but they are not willing to talk to me about this, they are trying to avoid this topic although they seem to accept it. However, it still hurts me that I cannot share with them as much information as I want to without any doubts. Just knowing that I will never be accepted in my family is like the worst psychological torture because they are still my close people, who have never done anything wrong, they are just conditioned to be like this.

Three months ago I started to catch feelings for one of my female classmates, and the more we communicated, the closer, as I thought, we became. There was this period probably a month and a half ago when she actively flirted with me and joked about lesbians as If she were one. When I came out to her as bisexual, she told me that she also was bisexual. At that moment I was really happy and thought that it means that there is a chance of us being together, and we started to become even closer than before, but then three weeks ago suddenly something changed when the exam week started, and she become cold and distant, and we lost touch. I still don’t understand why, and the only thing that comes to my mind is that I’ve somehow shown my true feelings to her without even noticing. She fell ill, and was taking care of her by asking how she was feeling and if she needed help with studying, and maybe became a bit too involved in her life. She might have become scared of that, as she may be not interested in me.

I think that, initially, she had feelings for me, but now there are none. This, of course, is my judgement based on the observations of her behaviour. It’s been 3 weeks since we’ve last spoken, and now that after the winter holidays we’ve returned to the university, I’ve been thinking about her a lot. On Thursday I even bumped into her, and it was super awkward. I just smiled and said hi, just as she did, but it was kind of strange and a bit fake.

I miss her and our communication, and today we had to share an online class, where we were answering questions. Sadly, I just couldn’t control my emotions and smiled whenever she said something funny or witty. I love hearing her voice and smart answers. Even though I’ve been trying to get over her for the past couple of weeks, it seems impossible now that I need to see and hear her again and go through this longing for her every time. Previously I at least could be in her life as a friend, but now even that is impossible.

My academic performance has worsened over the past week and I've started noticing that I’m becoming more anxious and less focused. I don’t have any motivation to do something productive, although I’m a straight A’s student. My hands have been shaking every day, and it’s been three weeks since the last time I felt calm and relaxed. I’ve cried today because of this situation and I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t think that there is a point in talking to her about this, because I’m too scared to tell her about my feelings. I don’t want to lose her completely and irreversibly. This is the first time in my life that I’ve fallen for someone so badly. I don’t even know why I’m writing all this, but it is kind of refreshing.

[Blueruth]

I very much feel your pain and worry for your safety. It must feel so stuck. I wish I had better words or a solution for you. I hope you are on a secure connection too. Just know that I support you.

[VictoriaYu in reply to Blueruth]

Thank you for your support! It really means a lot to me. I hope that it will become better eventually.

[Hidden]

I wish I had better words of support for you. I'm glad that you have accepted who you are, even if you don't have everyone else standing proudly behind you. That's a major step as it is right there! I wish you luck with your romantic interest.

[VictoriaYu]

Thank you for such a kind and understanding response. I’m really glad that there are people who can be so supportive. Your words are such a relief. I feel much better about this situation, it really helps me to know that I’m not alone 🤍

I hope that in the future I will somehow move to another country and be who I truly am.

[Penny-dumped-Leonard in reply to VictoriaYu]

what are you studying?

Let’s start there. Is the class one where you can become engrossed in the topic?

You’re there to learn, right? So enjoy learning in school.

Maybe refocusing on your desire to learn and grow where you’re learning might help. A tiny rise in grades like from a c- to a c might give you a tiny boost of confidence.

I know what it feels like to be an outcast in my family. Domestic violence. Mental health. I get it.

For me, school gave me a place to learn new skills so I could get out of the environment I was living in and it worked.

What tiny measurements of self improvement can we meaure so you can see your own growth and skills despite the terrible feelings?

I bet you’re amazingly skilled at something. What is it? Focus on your excellence and I bet that will attract people who also share your passion.

[Hidden]

It takes guts to reveal all of that on here, you’re very brave. There is a saying that sometimes to know is the fact that you just don’t know. You will see in time how all of this plays out. It seems like you might be getting really sidetracked by this situation. Try to focus more on your studies if you can.

[VictoriaYu]

Thank you a lot! I know that I will get through this, I just need to stop overthinking. It’s a good idea to shift the emphasis from my love life to studying, I think it will be more effective and beneficial. However, I just need to figure out how to do that. Sometimes the thoughts about her become too intrusive, unfortunately.

[Hidden in reply to VictoriaYu]

I get it. Falling in love is like that. I’m actually 52 years old, a woman. I really like music a lot and it’s like there’s all these songs that remind me of past relationships I’ve been in. It’s kind of crazy.

[VictoriaYu in reply to Hidden]

Oh, yeah, listening to music really brings out a lot of unwanted thoughts and feelings, I’ve noticed it too. I used to be kind of mentally distant from what was sang, but now my mind constantly goes back to her when I’m listening to music.

I’m quite shocked by the fact that this is the first time that I’ve fallen for someone to such an extent, so maybe that’s why everything is just so overwhelming.

It’s really nice to talk about this to someone mature, I needed that. Thank you. Hope you are having a nice day!

[Penny-dumped-Leonard]

you found us! We can be your people!

[Penny-dumped-Leonard]

we are you studying? Share! Let’s get excited about that together!

[Ohmy1]

Don’t give up on your parents. I’m sure they want you to be happy. Be true to yourself and they will accept you. It may take time.