Touched starved, in crisis, despairing.

[Giana80]

Asked my therapist if she did hugs today. She said no. We talked, and I get it, but I'm a 42 year old F who has never been in a relationship. Holding onto hope that a normal relationship would ever happen died 20 years ago. I'm deeply depressed, anxious, and entering detox in a week. I just want a hug and to know that someone cares. The whole "silent unconditionally caring, holding empathy method" for me makes me feel as if I were crying in my room alone. Thoughts?!

[Nothing_but_books]

A therapist is not your friend or family. They're doing a job, well or poorly. If they cross the line and approach you intimately that's not a good thing, especially if you are in crisis and despairing.

I'm so sorry you're hurting for a real human connection. Our forum is a supportive, caring place, but it doesn't replace family and friends.

Take your time getting to know people here. You can meet folks to support, and who will support you. If you like, write us about what kind of real-world connection you'd like.

[Giana80 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

My past therapist had no problem with hugs, and I found it very beneficial and reinforcing for our relationship.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Giana80]

I hear you. Well, talk to your current therapist about it. Maybe she can direct you to another person to work with. Maybe someone in detox will have some ideas. I hope detox goes well for you.

[Agora1]

Hi Giana80, Your post intrigued me as I'm sure there are many who have felt this

way regarding a "hug". The physical closeness but more than that an emotional feeling

that everything is going to be okay. I've spent the last couple hours researching some

videos that may be helpful.

When you get a chance, give it a view and see if this doesn't make you feel a little better

as it did me.

Go to YouTube "What a time to be alone/Releasing the fear of being alone"

By Tedx Talks

"Here's what to do when you need a hug and nobody is around to give you one"

by The Gentlemen Square

Good Viewing xx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Agora1]

I hope you don't mind Agora. I looked up the videos so the links could be here.

youtube.com/watch?v=babcNWX...(Not working as expected?)

youtube.com/watch?v=o9h4hjt...(Not working as expected?)

[Agora1 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thanks NBP Not into any technology..lucky I can Post and Respond lol

Appreciate your help in making it easier for our virtual friends. xx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Agora1]

You're welcome! Check your messages.

[Mumbutterfly in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you for posting these!! I’m technologically challenged so this really helped!!

[Mumbutterfly in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for suggesting these!!

[AXXES2]

i know how you feel it might be weird saying it but sometimes i wish i had a friend that i can hug or someone that i can hear them say im here call me or anything like that

[Nothing_but_books in reply to AXXES2]

I do too AXXES. "Or anything like that."

[Manutd87 in reply to AXXES2]

Hi I never had a girl in my life, when I see my friends with their wife's or girlfriends I just get very upset I have tried dating apps but no luck.

[Giana80 in reply to Manutd87]

It enrages me. I get it.

[AXXES2 in reply to Manutd87]

dont be upset ,i met someone too when i thought same way as you and she used me took advantage of me cause of that,be calm think things thruogh dont rush ,yes go out look around friend just be calm when you meet someone take your time make sure she really likes you before you make a mistake like me i had 2 kids with this girl and now im seeking legal help to see them cause shes crazy

[Manutd87 in reply to AXXES2]

Thanks for your advice and I will try my best to be calm and not to rush into relationships

[dutchgirl71 in reply to AXXES2]

me too

[Hidden]

I feel for you. I wish I was able to give you a giant hug right now.

[SayNOtoPanic]

Honestly, I would have gave you a hug. I’ve worked in professions helping people and sometimes a person asks for and needs a hug. We’re still human and can extend compassion. Prayers up to you and a virtual hug!! May you be lifted from your struggles and wrapped in positivity.

[Giana80 in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

I am a teacher and I would never not give a child a hug if they wanted it. Or reject them in a time of need.

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Giana80]

Yes! Humanity and compassion first! Period! Hugging you again. I know it’s not the same, or what you needed in that moment, but clearly quiet a few or us stand behind you. Hang in there. 🙏🏻

[Mxtmxxn]

Hey giana sorry to hear you feel this way. If I was there with you I wouldn't deny you a hug and common human affection. Have you tried getting a pet, perhaps a dog or a cat? I have a dog and it has been very kind and helpful when I'm feeling lonely, they're the best cuddlers as well.

[Giana80 in reply to Mxtmxxn]

I have two cats, but its not the same.

[Mxtmxxn in reply to Giana80]

I understand giana. I'm really sorry that I can't be there to personally give you a hug. Have you tried going to certain church or religious gatherings? I'm not trying to spread religion or anything like that but at times like let's say catholics have tradition of handshaking or hugging as a way of saying "love thy neighbor".

[6ixtyon1]

...virtual, spiritual hug, from here...I know it's not the same, but I am hoping, someday soon, that you can find a "live" group to speak with that will at least hold hands and promise to keep supporting each other, until the next meeting arrives...that is always a comfort.

[Tara52]

So sad but true. I am sending you a healing hug tonight. 💝💗

[MaggieSylvie]

Virtual hug🤗 - you may not be a "joiner" but honestly you do need to find people with interests like yours - even joining a class to learn a skill, such as pottery, art, writing, current affairs, spirituality, etc. because finding a friend online is a horrible lottery. If you are shy, start off with a group where you can sit at the back un-noticed. Good luck.

[Toddzen]

I suggest getting a professional massage. It can relieve the need we have for physical touch.

[Giana80 in reply to Toddzen]

I tried the other week. Normally I love them but I was so anxious it was the tensest massage I've ever had and did nothing for me.

[Toddzen in reply to Giana80]

I understand. I have not been getting massages for over a year. I've reached this point where I am so isolated that don't even want human touch anymore.

[Giana80]

Thank you for all your kind replies.

[Kelkel00]

I am sending you a virtual hug right now! ((((((HUG))))))) I know it’s not the same but I’m thinking of you!

And you are so right, sometimes there is absolutely no replacement for real human to human touch!

[catsrock]

Sending you a big hug across cyberspace. That sounds rough.

[Giana80 in reply to catsrock]

Love the name!

[Mumbutterfly]

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I literally feel your pain because I’m touch starved as well and have been all my life.

I’m 59 and was married for almost forty years. I was emotionally neglected in childhood and married right out of high school thinking I was marrying someone who was affectionate but found out that he wasn’t unless he wanted something.

My children literally saved my life because they were /are very affectionate. Now that they’re grown and living hours away, I’m back to being touch starved because it’s months between visits.

I got a job as a caregiver and I sometimes get hugs from them but it’s not the same. I read all the comments and saw that you’re a teacher and get hugs from the kids but it’s not the same. I’m trying to learn how to let it be enough but I’m not there yet.

I have no interest in a romantic relationship because I don’t trust that they will be who they represent themselves to be. I know there are loving, caring, affectionate people out there. Someday I may find someone but I’m not holding my breath.

I liked the videos that were posted and hope they can help find new perspectives. Sending you a virtual hug!

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Mumbutterfly]

I can so relate to your post. I too was married out of high school 32 years ago and am feeling very lonely and only get affection from my husband if he wants something. It is horrible to be manipulated like that over and over and yet still fall for it. I didn't realize how lonely for affection I was until my son moved out and got his own place five years ago. The last five years have been tolerable to down right depressing to the point that I probably should have been hospitalized. I need a divorce but the concept of being without an occasionally affectionate husband is too scary. Then if I were to see him be physically affectionate with another woman in the future, I don't know if I could emotionally handle it. Why aren't I good enough? I have been with him through all kinds of live changing events (sobriety, too many job changes to count), yet get no support in return.

[Mumbutterfly in reply to Elizabeth830]

I’m so sorry you have to deal with that too. I stayed until after my youngest had moved out, hoping that things would get better with just the two of us but it didn’t and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. The depression was so bad I felt like my life was literally on the line.

At first, I left and just tried to get rid of all the anger, bitterness, and resentment that had built up over all those years. I thought I might be able to get over it and forgive and that we might could try again if he was willing to listen and start working on our relationship. After eight months, I was finally able to talk to him about why I left and he seemed to understand.

I wasn’t ready to go back and didn’t know if I ever would be. I thought he would want to keep trying to communicate and work things out but two weeks later he told me he wanted a divorce. Pretty sure he already had a girlfriend or someone who wanted to be his girlfriend anyway. He definitely had someone two months later.

I had moved three hours away and had to go back to vote but didn’t tell him I was coming and found his girlfriend’s lingerie and other things scattered everywhere. Later that day when he got home, he told me that she had just come over to do her laundry. I didn’t believe him but I had reached the point where I really didn’t care anymore.

He married someone, I think it was her, two years later. That didn’t bother me either except to make me feel more inadequate. I’ve struggled with feeling that way for many years so it’s nothing new. I’m trying to heal from my insecurities and feeling like I’m not enough.

Any love I had for him died years ago but I worry about how it’s all affected my kids and my relationships with them. They say they just want both of us to be happy but breaking up the family has been hard on them and the holidays have been hard the past few years but especially this year since he had just gotten married. They had to accept that it was truly over and they didn’t like it. I’m hoping that they can grieve and heal now but I don’t know how long that will take.

I really messed things up by talking to them about everything that was going on. I stopped after finding out that I wasn’t supposed to do that but the damage was done and I don’t know if they’ll ever heal from that. The grief and guilt I’m having to work through from hurting them, even though it was unintentional, has been my biggest struggle and it’s overwhelming at times. Our relationships were very close until I left. I thought they would be able to handle it since they were all adults but it’s been hard on them. I don’t know if we’ll ever be close again. I may have done irreparable damage.

You probably knew not to talk to your adult child about their dad. I wish I had known. That’s my only regret about the whole thing and is the one thing I would do differently.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Mumbutterfly]

Unfortunately my adult child knows everything. I know this is emotional baggage he doesn’t need. He does support me leaving and has said periodically over the years, “why do you stay with this guy”. He has said that even when he was a teenager. He said his dad is a good friend, a person to go to concerts with, etc but as a father he sucks. He is emotionally unavailable to my son. He has told me that he wouldn’t be able to tolerate a girlfriend that would have an emotional affair and doesn’t think I should tolerate it either (that’s what my husband is doing and trying badly to hide it from me). I hope that we are able to remain close no matter what happens to his father and I’s relationship.

[Mumbutterfly in reply to Elizabeth830]

It sounds like he has picked up on the neglect of you and still has to deal with his dad not being emotionally available to him. That’s completely different from my burdening my kids with things they wouldn’t have known otherwise. That’s what caused the damage. Their dad is good at making himself look good in front of others so they didn’t know how neglectful he was in his relationship with me. All they saw was my anger, resentment, and bitterness because I became unable to hide it anymore.

I’m so glad your son is supportive. It sounds like you have a great relationship with him and that won’t change if you leave.

You are not the problem. You are enough. You’ve tried to make things work and stayed through a lot of turmoil. Some people are just incapable of being there for their family members.

[coolkitty1934]

if you cant get a hug from a person the next best thing is animals!animals show you unconditional love and can help you not feel alone.one time i went to a cat cafe where you get a session in a room that has cats it was relaxing and made me happy.cuddles with my pets never fail to brighten my day!