Unlock painful memories of abuse

[Ladyred27]

In a few months I will be 2 years attending therapy. Last year a memory returned to my mind that at first I didn't know whether to classify as a memory, a dream or a product of my imagination. But then I said to myself: why would my mind create something like that?

I ignored it for a whole year even though it came back to me constantly, I didn't talk about it with anyone, I didn't even dare to write it down in my diary where I write down everything.

The memory occurs when I was between 9 and 12 years old, I was asleep in my room and my brother 6 years older abused me.

Yesterday, after having this in my head for all this time, I took the risk of telling my psychologist and she told me what I didn't want to hear: it's real, it's a memory that has been unlocked.

Now I feel deeply broken, torn and relieved at the same time.

Now many things in my life make sense: my deep sadness makes sense, the catastrophic thoughts, the anxiety, the constant guilt, the instinctive rejection of my brother, the repetitive urinary tract infections for no apparent medical reason, the idea that all my partners were only looking for me for sex, the intense nightmares I've had all my life and the disconnection with my body make so much sense.

Currently only my husband and my psychologist know this, I didn't know who else to talk to, that's why I came here.

[012703060610]

You have come to to the right place. I am almost a year into focused PTSD counseling. Before my first appointment, I diligently wrote down my traumas from childhood to adulthood. In this first year, we are still working in the present as I am dealing with a current trauma. However, I read the list after having a disturbing nightmare. I had pushed my physical abuse from a neighbor when I was young into a box not to be opened. My dreams are so vivid and now I remember it all. I haven't brought it up with anyone other than my husband at this point. I don't know how to unpack all of the past and keep moving. I know it is scary and I am here with you. I am so sorry about your brother. I feel guilt and I know I shouldn't. PTSD is a bit different than depression. I was telling my therapist that the only way I can fall asleep is with an old movie I have seen 100 times. I had assumed screen time is always bad at bed. Anyway, she is said that is exactly what folks with trauma do. They need different and unique ways to settle the brain. I had stopped screen time for about 5 years and my sleep has been terrible. I wish I could make it go away for both of us. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I am so proud you were able to open up, maybe I can too.

[Ladyred27 in reply to 012703060610]

I am so sorry, I hope you can find peace and heal in the midst of so much adversity. Thank you for opening your wounds with me, I know it is difficult. Maybe in time you can open up and tell your story, don't be in a rush, you'll know when you're ready for this. Wish you all the best.

[Starrlight]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Shysteve]

Hi I'm Steve , sorry for what you have been through/going through,please if you need to rant /talk please feel free to do so

[designguy]

It takes a lot of courage to open up and face our most painful memories/experiences and to even be here and post them, good for you and welcome to the community.