Still beyond anxious and I don't know what to do.

[topaz1968]

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so hopefully I can get some sort of advice because I am spiraling right now. I blame my husband for 99% of it because he is just a horrible person and I want to leave him so badly but have no way to leave right now and I will not go to a shelter because I am not in any danger.

Right now, my son is leaving for Israel in a few days. He is 21 and is able to make his own choices, but I am terrified as this is the first time he is traveling on a plane let alone outside of the country. But, I have come to terms with it and even though I will be a nervous wreck, I have seen what he will be doing because he is part of a group.

Anyway, on top of my husband being nasty to me now he is mad that my son is going and is basically guilt tripping him about going. He is extremely selfish and truly only thinks about himself. Because he is going through something at work, he is taking it out on us.

I just wish he was out of both our lives because it is extremely stressful to have him here. At least my son gets to go back to college when he returns from his trip, so he will be out of the house.

I am trying my best to do what I can for myself, but it is hard. I need strength and support.

[Agora1]

Dearest topaz, sometimes we can't get out of a stressful situation for now. We must

then learn ways we can cope. You have no control over your husband's emotional abuse

but you do have power in how you handle it. Emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical

if not more. The physical abuse does heal but the emotional part of it doesn't. Talking with

your therapist is a good outlet for you from a professional who will suggest ways of you

coping.

Your son is on his way to another life. One that will teach him independence and strength

in his own character. Unfortunately, the other partner is always left as the punching bag

for his stress and inadequasies. You can't let it bring you down. Having a plan until you

are able to find a safe place will be the life buoy that you can hold onto until this happens.

Stay safe, Stay sane xx

[topaz1968 in reply to Agora1]

thank you so much for your kind words of support. It truly makes me feel better

[Afibflipper]

I’m so sorry you feel this way but take comfort in you have been strong, courageous, raised a son who thanks to you is able to go out into the world alone and put to good use the skills you gave him. You’ve shown true love in allowing him to go with your blessings even though you want nothing more than for him to stay! That shows true strength! I’m glad you say you don’t feel in danger so you can take time to make notes, take pen and paper tonight and note down what you’d like your therapist to touch on tomorrow, maybe at the beginning of the appointment hand it to them, then they can redirect back to those points when sometimes emotion takes over and train of thought goes a little wayward - this is a natural process not a fault but makes it easier to remain on the same track in a more or less straight line rather than the fireworks that sometimes sprinkle thoughts all over

You are number one now, your husband is an adult who feels his reasons for his feeling are justified and maybe they are - but - now you can put your ✋up to yourself and tell yourself to stop ✋ this is what I need now! You’ll feel you’re spiralling but suddenly you’ll put out your hands and grasp each life line as you pass them, you will make it back from that rough ride and you’ll be stronger with each one, more equipped to build your own life raft and sail your own boat

Good luck to you- be strong 💪 stand tall breathe deeply and one foot in front of the other, you’ll find your balance until you stride that finishing line a winner - hopefully your son will be there to meet and hug you xx

[topaz1968 in reply to Afibflipper]

Not sure if this is a duplicate reply, because I thought I did reply but I don't see it Your post really made me smile. I truly appreciate your kind words of support and about my son. He is an amazing son and I love him so much. I know he is ready to spread his wings and go off and have an amazing time. I definitely will be worrying a lot but will try my best to stay calm. Thanks again

[Afibflipper in reply to topaz1968]

I totally got your predicament, I’ve had similar in my life and a son like yours. I’m glad it helped you, good luck at your appt today. If you use apps a good one I found is Headspace (not for everyone) or sometimes I’ll put on sounds like waves or spa reiki type when I lie down, try to get every muscle to relax from toes to head, work up the body and feel each area relax before moving on ( they call it body scanning) mindfulness and slow down your breathing (in through the nose to count of 4, hold breath for 4 breathe out through the mouth to count of 4) xx

[SayNOtoPanic]

Hang in there and be strong. This too shall pass. You will figure it out and hopefully things get better. Sending you positive energy and courage. Hugs.

[topaz1968 in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thanks so much

[Hidden]

hi topaz, I’m so sorry for everything you are going through right now. I too recently had to say goodbye to my son who went to Navy bootcamp, far away from me. I won’t see him much (except for one day) for the next 6-9 months. I know you must be so proud of your son for getting out and starting a life of his own. Sometimes I feel like the curse of being a loving mom is the pain of letting go, and readjusting to a life in which they no longer need us as much. I miss my son dearly and I know you are missing your son too. These are difficult times for us Moms.

As far as your hubby goes, whether he is going through stuff at work, that is no excuse to take it out on you. Are there any step you can take to begin a plan for a life that doesn’t include him? I realize these things take time however now that your son is gone, maybe it’s time to start thinking about how YOUR life would be better off without all the negativity and anxiety he is causing you. You deserve better and it sounds like you already know that. Not knowing your complete situation, I can only say that it sounds like you might benefit from considering real life changes that give you more peace of mind. You deserve this! Try to ignore the negativity he’s pushing your way. Focus on the love you have for your son and the positive days that are definitely ahead for both you and your son. He’ll need you to be strong! Alway here and praying for some miracles to come your way. ❤️

[topaz1968 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you KellyKay - I cannot even imagine not seeing my son for that long, so I totally feel for you. You are right that we are so close to them and the hardest part is letting them go. I am taking him to the airport today so I may be on here a lot over the next 10 days I am also going to start working on trying to figure out a way to possibly move on without my husband. It will be baby steps, but hopefully something in the right direction. I have some things in mind, but nothing that will happen right away. I am also starting to work with my therapist to help me figure out a way to not let him get into my head so much. Thanks again

[Hidden in reply to topaz1968]

hi topaz, I hope the goodbye at airport goes ok for you. I got all emotional and cried when I had to say goodbye to my son, and I had promised myself for weeks that I would be strong. I fell apart. Hopefully you’ll do better than I did. So glad you’re getting help from your therapist regarding your husband. I didn’t mean to imply that you should leave him. Sorry about that. Sometimes things can be salvaged and couples can learn to change and treat each other with more respect. I’ve been with mine for 30 yrs and it’s no picnic but I’m a very non-confrontational type of person who tends to go with the flow and try to always keep the peace in my home. Luckily my hubby is super mellow (almost too mellow) but this has worked well for someone like me who’s mind works a mile a minute and is always full of anxiety, panic, overthinking, and over worrying, usually about things that never happen. A vicious cycle. I hope you will weigh the pros/cons and take some time to decide what’s right for both of you.

Always hear if you’re missing your son and just need to talk. It’s so difficult to let them go. 😢Best wishes 🙏

[topaz1968 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much. His flight leaves very late tonight, so we are not leaving until this afternoon to go to the airport. It is the anticipation that is difficult right now and getting him all packed up No worries about the implication about my husband. I truly don't want to be with him anymore so unless things change drastically, that is my plan for the future. I will keep you posted about my son Thanks again

[topaz1968 in reply to Hidden]

So, he has arrived safely in Israel. The flight went well and I talked to him about an hour ago. He has a lot of anxiety when meeting new people, so that is a concern for him. Just hoping he enjoys his time and stays safe I will be a nervous wreck until he comes home for sure

[Hidden in reply to topaz1968]

Oh my gosh, I feel your pain. This is such a difficult time for both of us, being without someone we love (and have always protected) while they are off doing something independent of us. I’m so happy to hear he made it there fine. I know they have such anxiety being around strangers and trying to navigate life without “Mom.” I pray he will find some comfort with others on his trip and I know he will be a better person for expanding his horizons and learning more about this huge world. Always hear whenever you need to chat. I’m missing my baby so much it hurts. Right here suffering with you, but realize we must be strong for them. 👍🙏❤️

[Hidden]

I do the same and believe it gives me a better (and different) perspective after 30 years of marriage! Excellent advice.👍