Holiday post blues

[Frankie24]

I have been feeling quite down for the past few days. I feel like I was so busy with Holiday plans , cooking and gifting that now that it is over, I just feel horribly depressed. On top of that I was up sick all night. With the New Year coming I can’t help but think how I want my old life back. The past five years on dialysis coupled with my Bipolar depression and anxiety have just done a number on me physically and emotionally ! I need to get back into my routine of being busy on non dialysis days with my part time work and volunteering and other activities but I am not feeling it right now ! I feel so lonely and just needed to vent. Thanks everyone.

[Frankie24]

Thanks, there isn’t much time to rest as I need to fit as much in as I can every other day when I don’t have dialysis. I feel like it controls my life and that makes me so sad and angry. I have to do it in order to stay alive for my mom and son. Otherwise I would not continue dialysis. This leaves me in a conundrum. Wanting to die because I hate my life the way it is and not wanting to because I don’t want to leave my son alone and my mom loves me very much but feels like it is a cop out.

[metalminded in reply to Frankie24]

I understand exactly how you feel. I spent time in a dialysis clinic and hated every second!

I switched to peritoneal dialysis at home. It was overnight and felt a lot more free than in center.

It changed my attitude and lifted my mood.

[Frankie24 in reply to metalminded]

I was on peritoneal but sadly it stopped working. I felt great while on it , worked full time and went about my normal life. I was on the cycler at night and slept through without a problem. I sat and cried with my head under my blankets today. I feel like I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this ! Thank you for responding. I would like to do home hemodialysis but don’t have a partner.

[metalminded in reply to Frankie24]

I'm sorry to hear that! I did start on in-center and went to work after. I did the AM "shift" which was 5am-9am then went to work. It wasn't easy, that's for certain. I was wiped out by the time I got home.

I wish you the best. We are part of a group and not everyone can understand how it feels and the toll it takes not only physically but emotionally.

I wish I could do more to help! Feel free to message me or reply here.

Don't give up though, I know it's not easy!!

[Chrishbear]

Hi Frankie24, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I can only imagine how tiring it all must be for you. I do know what it's like to not feel the energy or motivation to do the things I should do, want to do, or even know would help me feel better. Today I've challenged myself to do just one thing that has to be done in the hopes that once I get moving to do that one thing, I might do two. Then I'm going to allow myself to rest. What you are dealing with is not easy so be kind to yourself. And hold on to that desire to be there for your family. My daughters are what have kept me going at the worst of times. I even got a tatoo to remind my self to not give up - for them. I'm sending good thoughts your way!

[Frankie24 in reply to Chrishbear]

Thank you for your kind words. I know what it is like before the dialysis to have terrible depression and anxiety and to find it hard to navigate life. Good for you for challenging yourself. Right now it is a challenge for me to get up at 4am, shower and go to dialysis only to have to sit there for three and a half hours and then feel tired and sick the rest of the day. I truly hate it !! Take care and keep on keeping on !!

[Chrishbear in reply to Frankie24]

You too!!

[Hidden]

Hi Frankie, I can definitely relate to your feelings of post holiday blues. I griped about all the work it was but the staying busy part is kind of a godsend. Like you, I’m trying to get back to a routine while dealing with heath issues that keep me more isolated than I would like. Keep up the good work (and your dialysis). Your mom and son love you and need you! I know this as my elderly mom and my two sons need me too, which is a burden that I’m learning to appreciate and gain motivation to “keep going” for them. The bipolar depression/anxiety on top of health issues can be such a heavy burden and seems so unfair. We must find joy in life’s little blessings, no matter how small, or trivial they may seem. I’m praying for you and wishing you a happy 2023!

[Frankie24 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your encouraging words. They are appreciated more than you can know.