Mothers day blues

[MzK123]

So, today we celebrated mother's day. And I always feel like I hit rock bottom on days like this. My whole life, since I was a little kid, my biggest dream was to have a child. A part of me, that would forever be in my heart. But, my depression and fear have always held me back in relationships and now that ship has sailed. Every year, I feel the pain of what I missed out on in life because I was always afraid of letting him in. And I always sought the approval of my parents which I still don't have. The pain is too much to bear........

[ellastoffie]

Hello,

I'm sorry that today seems to be a difficult day for you. Would you like to talk about it more? I have an aunt who used to be in this kind of situation but my mom sat down with her and told her that, even though she does not have children of her own she has played a pseudo-parental role in her nieces and nephews lives. Motherhood can be a multitude of things but it's very difficult and jarring when your hopes do not turn out as planned.

[MzK123 in reply to ellastoffie]

Yes, thank you. There's no one in my family who I've ever spoken to about my broken dreams. I do play an active roll in my nephew and niece's life but it's not the same. There's this emptiness and ache that I carry around with me in my heart. Sometimes, I wonder if there's still hope left, but I know my risks increase with each day. Most days I mask my pain with a smile, but on mothers day it is especially difficult.

[Angelfox2002]

I feel pretty similar on Mother’s Day but in an opposite type of way... I have always felt a sincere sadness for women who want but never had kids, or couldn’t have kids. Please don’t blame yourself because of attachment issues! We need women from every walk of life to be there in society as a whole, fulfilling the roles of guides and influences on our kids. There are many ways to be involved with the kids in your family/neighborhood. So many kids are in need of someone caring like you to talk to, trust, learn from and have their back in a way that parents can’t do! The more adult care and subjective lessons the better off that kid is... I never knew if I wanted kids, I was afraid of bringing life into such a crazy world! When it happened I pretty much just went with the flow. I was about 5-6 months pregnant when I started having severe anxiety and panic attacks about becoming a single mother... which have now lead to an even darker depression than I can explain! I feel like the fear of being a single mom was a self fulfilling prophecy, my 1st sons father died when our son was 8 (a fear I had through my whole pregnancy??) We were already divorced at that point but we had a very friendly relationship when it came to parenting. My 2nd sons father was the next decade of my existence wasted, emotionally abusive and neglectful; I let myself become devalued and convinced I’m worthless through even my own eyes now. Blinded by self pity and the fear of being alone, raising men alone, I ran straight into the arms of another “man-child” who we call “the devil” and now I’m stuck.... 2 teenage boys who hate him for good reason - he doesn’t want or try to be any type of father figure to them AFTER i moved in with him about a year ago letting go of every bit of independence and control I had in my life.... Now I’m just lost? Men aren’t what they seem and you were right in not settling for what didn’t feel was right for your future, you deserve to be picky and it’s never too late! I hope you feel better and don’t give up!

[MzK123 in reply to Angelfox2002]

Thank you. I've considered doing it alone, as a single mom and like you said the insecurities kick in. I do play an active roll in my nephew and niece's life....and most days I make it through okay. But just this one day, instead of a celebration it just really is a reminder of what I didn't have.

[hypercat54 in reply to Angelfox2002]

You need to get out of this relationship pronto and regain your independance. As you have learned a bad father is worse than none and think what lessons you are giving your sons. How are they going to learn to be good parents and be happy with an example like this? A home with one happy parent is much better than a dysfunctional one with both being unhappy. Easier said than done I know but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. If you can't get out now then work towards it which will give you hope. You can do this. x

[hypercat54]

Hi I never had children either and that boat has long passed now! I think instead of what I have achieved instead of being tied down with a child. I think children are a mixed blessing and don't have this idealised image of how a parent feels as I have heard so many times that you always worry about them. There is no guarantee if you have children that you (or they) will be close to each other either.

Think of all the work you have missed, the responsibility you have avoided, the money you haven't spent on them etc. It's not all bad is it? x

[MzK123 in reply to hypercat54]

Agreed. It's what pulls me out of these moments.... the impromptu girls getaways, the vacations. I've also started some volunteer work which also gives me purpose. It's just the focus on motherhood on this one day that casts a shadow. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this one.

[Agora1 in reply to hypercat54]

Amen to that hypercat. xx

[growinrace]

oh the love, warmth and kindness I sense from you. I know this may be a little odd to share but, for many years I suffered from infertility and well I have 3 angels in heaven, and many times I would be upset and bitter at myself... but then some great mentors (spiritual moms) shone light to me, it wasn't my fault and I had to drop it (a bit harsh but I knew they didn't mean ill or harm) I chose not to be offended and for once, I was able to heal! one suggested to name my angels and to write them a letter. You can continue to write or just make a one time letter , but also would suggest to reach out to a support group or even create your own support group? perhaps church or community, ive found many on other media apps. I am sending you a big hug!