Post-Vacation Blues?

[aWorriedOne]

I just returned home from vacation, and I wanted to vent a little.

I have a hard time with separation anxiety, and I live very far from my husband due to lack of visa. We have paperwork, but I have a hard time getting myself to do it because last time I messed it up (conversation for another day and the reason we're so far apart). So right now, all we have are visits every few months (usually 2 or 3) and we stay together for a week and then part ways. This is the only financially responsible thing we can do.

I only have bad experiences with partners and my husband is my first good and healthy thing in my life. I feel so complete and safe around him, I can be myself and relax without using a facade. I feel like I am being ripped from my skin every single time we have to separate. I get home after a 6 1/2 hr drive and it's not comforting because it's a stressful living environment. I am a bundle of nerves right now and I don't want to burden my husband with it all, he drove just as long as me and we're both exhausted (and he has his own anxiety stuff that only "social breaks" can usually fix). I know my own exhaustion is likely compounding my anxiety, but I don't have an outlet. I'm too tired to clean and my brain can't seem to spark very well for creative things or to play video games. I just want to cry constantly.

I don't know what to do. I feel so overwhelmingly lonely and broken, like I am missing an entire part of myself. I'm hoping typing this up and posting it might help me release some of this nasty feeling.

Thank you for taking your time to read this.

[gajh]

I hope venting helped even a little bit. How long have you been living like this? I can certainly understand your anxiety. It must be very difficult. Do you have any support people where you live?

[aWorriedOne in reply to gajh]

Venting did help. I do feel better now, though I am mentally tired now. I have people around me that are what I refer to as 'partial' support. They're supportive, but not always in a helpful way. I can only rely on them so much.

We've been living like this for about 2 years now. He is Canadian and sadly he had to wait over a year for his passport, and it's been a little less than a year with the visits.

[gajh in reply to aWorriedOne]

I can't believe you have been living like this for so long. Do you see an end in sight?? How did you meet? I'm sorry you don't have more support.

[catsrock]

I'm sorry - that sounds very hard. I think anything you can do for self-care, you should do. I try to make a list of things that help me feel better for when the hard stuff hits. I hope you have a better day today.

[aWorriedOne in reply to catsrock]

i do feel better today, thank you!

[SurvivingEveryday]

This sounds stressful, I am sorry that you are going through this. How long has the relationship been like this? I think it is a huge part of your anxiety.

When I met my (now ex) husband, he lived about an hour from me, and we would see each other maybe once a week until we got engaged. Once, I spent the whole weekend with him and as I left his house I was so overcome with emotion that I pulled over and cried. I was never sure why I cried, but I think it had to do with my feelings for him- I wanted to see him often, and was being impatient about when it would happen. I am a very anxious person, and I am also impatient lol.

I can see how you would be wanting to move on "already", to the next phase of your relationship journey and might feel stuck. It would give me anxiety too.

I think you are valid in your feelings.

[aWorriedOne in reply to SurvivingEveryday]

Its been about 2 years of this. Most of it was the Canadian delay on passports for him to be able to travel half-way to meet with me.

We've only been married since March, though.

[SurvivingEveryday in reply to aWorriedOne]

I hope it works out for you! You seem like a great person. It will get better, I know that sounds cliche, but it does get better.