how do i stop blaming myself?

[hungrymonky]

i know rationally that there’s nothing children can do to deserve to be abused. i have been abused, belittled, and abandoned by virtually every family member who was close to me and any friend i’ve ever had. i told someone this and they said “surely not everyone, surely that’s black and white thinking.” no seriously. everyone in close proximity to me on my 20 years on earth. i think about my child self and ask, what could you have done? i think about all my years and ask what could i have done? and i can guess but never exactly pin point it, but i know it must be something. something innate in me that makes me unlovable and undeserving of healthy human connection, or just human connection in general. and i get so upset because nobody will tell me what it is so i can fix myself. nobody will tell me, but nobody stays. so how could i possibly believe it’s not intertwined with who i am as a person and that it’s not my fault? i know everyone is lovable but it’s like this rule doesn’t apply to me. when people say “it’s not your fault. we are all deserving of love” it’s like stapling water to a tree. has anyone felt this way and found a way to have a breakthrough and understand they aren’t to blame?

one of my therapists said it’s because i’ve never had a chance to be shown otherwise. (i can’t afford to see her anymore) but how can i believe that? how can i get that through to myself?

thank you for any advice god bless

[gerrerd]

You need to change your thinking. but you have to work at it everyday it takes time also. Go to you tube start listening to Wayne W Dyer videos. Hay house have loads of self help programs to help you. Remember everything changes. Ray.

[Stippler]

You seem like a very caring and sincere person. There are several 12 Step groups that can be good for overcoming abuse. There is Emotions Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Alanon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. You don’t have to be an alcoholic or have addiction in your family to qualify. All you need is the desire to overcome your troubles. They often meet at churches and other places, but they are not religious groups at all. You will find that you are not alone. The people there will not judge you, and you can make many friends there. You can look them up on the internet to find where they are meeting in your area. They are free, only passing a basket. Most people give a dollar, but it is not required if you cannot afford it. It is a good alternative to a therapist if you cannot afford a therapist right now. They helped me a lot, and you might try going to these meetings. Best of luck to you. Please reach out for help if you can. Sending my hopes and prayers - because you are worth it! 🙏🙏🙏