Struggle: I keep remembering past bul... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Struggle: I keep remembering past bullying incident that has happened to me in the past

ykim21ggcedu profile image
26 Replies

I sleep okay, and I wake up early in the morning. I go on about my day doing my thing okay: dishwashing, vacuuming, laundry, driving, shopping, meeting people, going to church, etc.. But when I am reading and studying which I think is something I want to do more of to be a better person, in the beginning of reading, I am into it but after reading for a while I start to remember the past incident of me getting bullied when I was in middle school and I hate it when that happens. The only thing I do is cry about it. I made an affirmation to myself that "hey, yes, I admit I did get hurt by a guy who kicked my legs continuously several times without no reason out of nowhere suddenly to me, but hey this is the past that I am talking about. In the present moment, I want to live a life that has been hurt but also healed from that hurt." Even if I do this, out of no intention from me, I keep bringing out that incident I just want to not have happened to me at all. I am seeing a therapist for cognitive behavioral therapy because of both depression and anxiety and I am going to look up some books regarding my issue that can be a help. I am a little worried if I tell my therapist the details of bullying incident. I did informed him I was bullied in middle school. I honestly want to get help from him. I read "whether I got bullied or not, the important thing is not that. It's something "I" do after that that determines my future". I don't know how. This is the problem. I try my best not to think about it and whenever I come to think about it, I suppress it because I think I was the inferior character in the bullied situation which makes me currently do not want to be a kind of that same inferior person because that will make me get bullied again. The important thing I want to say here is I want to get healed and overcome the incident that I was bullied successfully. I don't want that to pop up during my day when I am in the midst of doing something which is so random and it is the past. This is what makes me mad. I know it's the past but it keeps popping up without my effort for it to be remembered. Any help from you guys?

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ykim21ggcedu
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26 Replies
emmi331 profile image
emmi331

If it's any comfort to you, bullies are usually miserably unhappy people, which is why they want to hurt others.Many adults who were once bullies are remorseful at the harm they caused others many years ago. For all you know, this guy is overcome by thoughts just as you are - only he wishes he had never behaved that way towards you.

No matter what, don't give that incident too much power in your head. Don't try to fight thoughts because it won't work. Instead put out the welcome mat for the memory, look it in the eye and say assertively, "Yeah, so what? Sh*t happens to everyone!" Then look at all the good things and happy memories in your life; I'm sure there are many.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to emmi331

This website to share and get help is really helping me. I am getting information from people who are experiencing nearly similar things as me. I always have put my focus on that bullying incident that has happened to me and think that I am unfortunate person because not everyone goes through being bullied. Some good stuff happens to me, but I think it was my wrongdoing to put my ultimate focus on that negative experience for my whole life when good things still happening to me at the same time. Your words are really helpful, I just want you to know that and this website makes me think there is still a hope and light in this world. Before reading your post, I was just in a deep hole by myself thinking I am the only one who is going through a hardship even though I know there are billions of people who go through adversity that is different from mine. I am glad I put out my feet onto this website and shared what I am struggling to other people to know. Your reply tells me you were really receptive to my words I can feel it and told me sternly the true facts so I can know the true reality. Thank you.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to emmi331

And I also think that for such thing to happen to me is my fault.

emmi331 profile image
emmi331 in reply to ykim21ggcedu

You were not at fault, the bully was.😎.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to emmi331

And also I don't want it to but without my effort and intention for it to happen, when I am reading or studying a little bit of replaying that negative experience plays in my mind and I don't want it to and also when that happens I am putting no effort in my stance to make that happen but it just happens.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to emmi331

I want to say 20% of my daily routine is sometimes bothered by replaying that negative, unfortunate experience I experienced and remembering the hurt. 80% I am okay functioning without having any of those thoughts that happened in the past.

emmi331 profile image
emmi331 in reply to ykim21ggcedu

If you have a Higher Power, I can tell you one thing that has worked for me that is an effective spiritual remedy: pray for that bully every day, asking that he have a day that is blessed with everything you would wish for yourself. You will do this through gritted teeth at first, but it will gradually become more sincere. And don't forget to express gratitude for all you have now!

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to emmi331

One thing I struggle with is I don't know what to do when that replay of bullied incident pops out and I hate it when that happens. What do you think would be a good idea to do what that unwanted replaying of that incident plays again in my mind?

Icarus_Flight profile image
Icarus_Flight in reply to ykim21ggcedu

One thing I have done is each and every time an intrusive thought comes like that, I say "No thank you, that's in the past, and I'm busy reading right now." Or just as simple as "No, thank you". I have heard that such thoughts are like this: You're sitting on the side of the river, and suddenly there's a riverboat going by. It's noisy, annoying, there's a party, and soon you're on the boat being carried away by it. So, no matter how far you get into ruminating over the past incident, when you catch yourself just stop, take a mindful breath and "No thank you, I'm going to get back to reading (or whatever)".

In part it keeps coming up because we are easily tempted to get on the boat and think and feel.

Don't get discouraged if this doesn't work right away, each time you do it, your brain gets a tiny bit more strength and is also reminded that this incident is not important in this moment right now.

I had it so bad that I put up dishes from the dishwasher one at a time, and I could hardly get one put away without some anxiety provoking thought coming. It was almost constant. And each time "No, thank you."

Trauma from being bullied is very common. The time to think about it is when you're talking with your therapist. And if you do, and they aren't helpful and sympathetic then it's time for a new therapist. In short, it's not your fault, nor anything to do with you deserving it.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Icarus_Flight

I feel like the reason why it keeps popping up is to remind myself (I am excluding bully at all in this situation) that I was hurt. I feel like that is the reason why it does not stop and continue continually. I have been suppressing because I don't like how I feel and what I had to experience but it is a true reality and I feel like it's telling me "hey you go t to do something about this bruise you got over your mind more than ten years ago because if it was physical bruise time will make it go away but it was mental bruise and I have not actually done anything to heal it. And yes, I worked with one nurse practitioner, and she prescribed me meds and I just could not put my trust on her doing her job so I found a different doctor. The therapist I am working with right now I only had one appointment with him so I do not have enough data to say he isn't for me but first appointment went well but the next appointment I am going to talk to him that intrusive thoughts come to me so annoyingly that I just cannot control sometimes but feel sad. He knows I was bullied in middle school but I didn't have a chance to talk about the minute details which I want to because I really want to overcome. But thank you for telling me your side of seeing this. I will try. I need to practice saying "No, thank you." I think this is one way to take care of myself.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Icarus_Flight

I want the method you told me to work but it's same as before knowing the method.

Icarus_Flight profile image
Icarus_Flight in reply to ykim21ggcedu

As I wrote, "Don't get discouraged if this doesn't work right away, each time you do it, your brain gets a tiny bit more strength and is also reminded that this incident is not important in this moment right now."

Stick with it, mental habits that formed in years will take a while to change.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Icarus_Flight

Okay

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Icarus_Flight

So you are saying that the method you told me will work if I am consistently working to deny it when it comes right?

Icarus_Flight profile image
Icarus_Flight in reply to ykim21ggcedu

It worked for me. Think in terms of *months* not *hours*.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Icarus_Flight

I feel like the mental hurt was really bad because it was not only you but a helper at a meditation center could not help me with this either so I quitted.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to emmi331

And it happens without my intention to make it happen. I don't want it to happen

Raggedy-Ann profile image
Raggedy-Ann

My two cents worth. You need to take away the power of the bully. When that memory pops up, immediately say, "F#ck him!" don't give it any more time than that. I had to learn this as an adult because I rarely cuss, I am always polite. I never dropped the F bomb. A good friend and I were standing in my kitchen with her coaching me. I felt stupid at first, but when we got to a strong, loud F-you, I felt the power that word holds. Try it, say it out loud with force you may have to practice too. Then every time that memory pops up, be strong, stand up for yourself with a big F#ck You. = no more tears. Be the powerful person you can be!

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Raggedy-Ann

First time saying "F*** you" to the guy who bullied me. I didn't have a power to do that although secretly in my mind I wanted to but the thought that I was inferior compared to him bullying me I just did not have enough power to say those words I wanted to say in my mind to him. With you explaining all these things to me I know for sure what he did to me was incorrect and very immoral for him to do such a horrendous stuff to other human being. Since he contacted me through bodily touch, my mental was also affected.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Raggedy-Ann

As I practice saying "F*** you" to the bully, tears come out still.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to Raggedy-Ann

I also feel it's my fault to have such a horrendous stuff happen to me

designguy profile image
designguy

I was bullied in school and as a consequence I developed social anxiety disorder which I was eventually able to realize that I had and got help for it but I continued to have issues. I then found out that I had c-ptsd/trauma from the bullying and also from growing up in an emotionally repressive/abusive household. I found a therapist that specifically treats trauma/c-ptsd and started working with him to get in touch with all of my repressed anger, shame and emotions from the bullying and childhood and process them and heal them. He used emdr as part of the therapy which was very helpful and proven for healing trauma. The past will keep popping up as you have experienced because it is trying to get you to acknowledge it, deal with it, process it and heal it which you can do with the right kind of knowledge and therapy.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu in reply to designguy

But thank you! By reading your post, I feel like there is a way to solve the problem that I am dealing with right now.

designguy profile image
designguy in reply to ykim21ggcedu

There definitely is, you just need to be persistent and keep seeking and be open to what you need to fully heal. I personally found CBT therapy helpful for learning to become more aware of my thoughts, challenge them and reframe them but the downside is that it just keeps you in your head. The bigger issue with bullying/trauma is dealing with the emotional/physical stuff stored in your body from the trauma, shame and anger over what happened to you, especially the shame. I found Somatic Therapy very helpful, also TRE Therapy of which I found a youtube video about how to do it myself and also the EMDR Therapy. I also found medication to be helpful once I found the right med that worked for me. Also, don't be afraid to quit working with a therapist if you don't feel like it's working for you or that they are not a good fit for you.

One of the big issues about bullying is the shame it can cause us but the reality is that it never was our fault, it was the fault of the bully and the shame they felt about themselves and took it out on us because we happened to be in the right place at the wrong time. Acknowledging what happened and directing back on them and forgiving ourselves is key to healing. I had a lot of repressed anger that I had to process and re-direct at them which I did by mentally focusing on them and beating the crap at of a pillow and releasing it. I also got a plastic baseball bat and did the same thing. It felt great and took time but eventually I drained that anger.

The other important thing is that you probably have low-self-worth/self-esteem from the bullying itself or you may have had it before the bullying began. I had it before from growing up in a emotionally/physically abusive household and being punished for showing any normal anger or emotions, any signs of being proud of myself or attempts at standing up for myself so I had no self-esteem and looked to others for my validation. I started working on and improving my self-worth and learning to validate and parent myself and love and care for myself unconditionally the way I should have been parented. There is a lot of good info on youtube about this as well as books and programs.

Feel free to ask me any questions you may have and best to you.

ykim21ggcedu profile image
ykim21ggcedu

I had my first cognitive behavioral therapy and am planning to get it for four months to be qualified to have my insurance apply to TMS which I want to get.

Isinatra profile image
Isinatra

I was more than bullied in my early teens and I never talked it out with anyone until recently. I ruminated over it most of my life. It was a relief to finally spill my guts to a trained therapist. I’m better for it, but I wish I hadn’t waited so long.

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