I've lost it all. My money, my self-respect, my hope. About a year ago I joined this group and participated in a phone meeting with 5 ladies. I forget their names now. I was suicidal. I couldn't stop going to the casino to make up for my losses. I remember one of the ladies saying she was renting furniture because hers had been confiscated owing to her debt. I thought no, that would never happen to me. But now I am waiting for the inevitable. The bank kept loaning me money, which I needed to gamble. I once had an excellent credit rating so I guess they thought I was a low risk. I didn't even have to fill out a loan application, they were eager to lend me $$ and I was eager to play the slots. My old age pension pays the rent and buys food. That's it. At age 70 I don't see selling my body will be met with eager buyers and so I am praying for the courage to end it all.
I didn't think it would happen to me.... - Anxiety and Depre...
I didn't think it would happen to me. But it did.
I should add that after the phone meeting I got strength that lasted about three days. Then was back at it, and didn't check in here again for help. That's the thing......they made me feel 'better' about myself and so feeling 'better' my demented mind said go to the casino and have fun. Feeling good, or better is dangerous for me.
Sounds like you need to seek some treatment for your gambling addiction.
It's used as a " cover up" for deeper issues
Have you gone to therapy?
decades of therapy for a variety of issues...yes. Sexual abuse, alcoholism as a self-medicator, depression which means not being able to interact with others credibly, without 'pretending' I'm okay.....haven't felt love for 20 yrs, naturally. No point in going further on here because basically I have no will to do self-care. Been there without success. Sorry to have wasted your time.
Oh no, you haven't wasted my time.
It's hard with one paragraph to know how to respond to someone.
Now I see you have been through so much more and tried so many things.
If the group made you feel so good is there any chance you can form another group? Join some kind of group? Interact with people that make you feel better?
The problem is getting to the route and healing the deep pain. You already know that since you've tried different things.
Dear Seeker, your story touched me . I am so sorry this has happened to you. This cycle you are in is frightening . I'm referring to the feeling better leads to feeling action that causes a down ward spiral leads to wanting to end it all. There has to be a solution. Has anyone suggested bi-polar to you ? Have you ever talked to a doctor about this ? I'm sure there is a cause for your behavior. I know there are some drugs that cause compulsive behavior. If you Google compulsive behavior you may get some answers. Please try to find some answers before you give up. Is there anyone who can support you emotionally while you go through this. Of course we will here , you shouldn't have to go through this alone. Not every one will judge you. You need help and understanding . Please give yourself a chance at life. Pam
Thank you, actually I was diagnosed bipolar in 2000 but know from research I've had the symptoms all my life. I guess I'm just tired of trying to deal with it. I'd like to talk to those ladies I first met on here a year ago on a phone meeting. Real voices matter. That gives me something to look forward to maybe, but not in a hurry.
This is history repeating itself, probably genetically;. I am 70, both my parents died at 74. My dad from dementia...it was horrible to visit him in hospice and hear him cry about not using his gun (he was a policeman) to end it when he could. I take that as a message I'm headed for the same fate.....really, if life isn't worth living, why live it?
and just like him, I cannot muster the courage...........unless I can find a painless way and just go to sleep forever.
Dearest Charlotte
Life is worth living. Life is precious.
You are Precious and Loved.
You can come through this.
Keep on seeking, please.
God Bless you and keep you safe.
Sending Love x
Mary
I am Charlotte's sister and see from her computer she was a member here. She has passed way. Suicide. thank you for trying to help her.
I feel you have made up your mind and are looking for permission or approval. We have had two suicides' in our family over twenty years ago. It never goes away.
I hope you can reconnect with your group of friends. That sounds like something you would really benefit from.
Dear Seeker of Truth, so sorry to hear about the situation and the not so pleasant experiences you have described happening in your life. I pray that you may be able to see some light and hope for a better future and find the strength to keep going. So many times as humans we fail and do things we are trying to overcome but God sees us and knows our struggles and we can talk to Him like a trusted friend, and loves us no matter how many times we fail. Trust Him, He will never leave us or forsake us. Please take it easy on your self. Please reach out for professional help, and for positive interaction like you have done here in this group. Please take one day, one moment at a time. Do you have a social group that doesn’t involve gambling? eg church, AA, or similar? I’d like to talk if you like. Jo
We had no idea Charlotte was so out of control. And had reached out to this group. Now she is gone...we pray other gamblers can be helped. We are devastated this talented artist and kind soul has left us.
I did it
I just want to end it
I think my subconscious is trying to speak to me through chronic nightmares.
Oops I did it again 
I feel so odd. (Im fighting hard to socialise and get a job but it's not "just do it")
