A Depressive Episode

[alat]

Today there were loud screams again, but I didn't panic, I had (and am still going through) something strange. I haven't had this reaction before. I feel sluggish, sad, and unmotivated. As soon as I heard it, I just sunk into a depressing mood. I want to do nothing and I just feel so melancholic.

Is it the fact that I, an adult who survived so many horrible things, am collapsing at the screams of a couple kids? Or the fact that days have been a lethargic passing of time where I just wait for the next trigger to occur? Or that I am tired of anticipating the worst of everything? Perhaps it's the fact I no longer enjoy most things?

I know my previous posts have been a tinge more positive, and it is true, I did feel better the past couple of weeks, but during those weeks I have dodged so many triggers; traffic has been horrible (it is a festival season in my country); COVID is resurfacing in my city; the kids have literally been screaming more often than they had during the past year; I am not doing good financially, mainly because I am trying to numb the anxiety with material pleasures; my mother has been traveling a lot (I can't ask her to stay because of my anxiety. She gave up so much and it is time for her to take care of herself a bit); my whole team at work quit (we are six, including me, and four resigned [completely unrelated resignations and each is going to a different place]); I have been having dizzy episodes, too, which gives me a horrible sense of choking and nausea; my GERD is acting up which makes me cough like I have asthma (especially when I eat); I lost an aunt a week ago and another aunt is ominously ill; it is all just not working out and I feel like I want to sleep the whole time without any worries.

In eleventh grade, I had a horrible teacher who was a bully, not just to me, but to everyone; if he asked you to go out to the board and you didn't know the answer he'd proceed to shout at you and call you stupid and useless; he put me through a horrible year of everyday anxiety. No one reported him, so naturally, neither did I; and being the non-confrontational person I am, I was unable to stand up to him. I used to think when I no longer have him as a teacher, life would be great. I moved to the twelfth grade and he was no longer my teacher.

All my teachers in the twelfth grade were great people whom I still admire, but now I started having anxiety about college. I was second on my class, and I still felt like a failure (I still don't know why) I thought that when I get accepted into a good college with the major I desire, life would be great. I was accepted into the number 1 (some say number 2) college in my country in the major I want.

Now I was worried about not performing well in university, I thought if I could just graduate, life would be great. I graduated with honors.

I started fearing cars, I never drove, and it wasn't financially feasible for me to keep on going in Ubers and taxis, so my mother helped with a contract with a driver so that I can manage my finances better as his salary would be a set amount. I thought his driving was hideous, I thought if he could leave and I have different driver, life would be great. He left (although his driving wasn't bad) and I now have a contract with a different driver.

I started a job I disliked in a consulting firm. It completely took over my life and I would have dreams about being horrible in meetings at night, I'd wake up completely parched and sweaty. I thought if I could find a better job, life would be great. I moved to my new job now which I love so much.

COVID came and I was panicking and anxious all the time. My father went into the hospital for about a month because of what it did to him. I thought if this could all be over, life would be great. Now it is almost over although it is resurfacing again.

Now I am anxious about my noisy neighbors and I can't help thinking, if they would move and quiet neighbors would come in their stead, life would be great.

[Agora1]

alat, first let me extend my sympathy to you on the passing of your aunt. I hope that your

other aunt who is very ill finds a way to recover soon. It seems like your stress reaction is

getting worse producing physical symptoms of anxiety. You seem to be taking in all the

possible situations in your life and thinking "if only this happened, then everything would

be okay"... But life doesn't work that way. There is only one way to rid yourself of stress

and that is to find yourself. I mean the self that is deep down within you. Something or

someone has always caused you to doubt yourself in your accomplishments.

When will you recognize that you are more than capable in handling whatever life throws

your way? Your doubts and instability come from your mind. Anxiety lies to us and before

long we start believing what our thoughts are saying.

There are things you can do to overcome this issue. You can take medication and start

therapy sessions in order to address where these doubts have come from and how to get

onto a new path OR you can start Meditating to Imagery Affirmations. These meditations

are best listened to when you go to bed at night. As you drift off to sleep, your

subconscious mind will be absorbing the words and images spoken to you. After time,

your mind will switch over to a more positive and confident YOU.

It's the "key" to getting back control of your life. When dealing with a lot of people, don't

worry about what you are going to say but listen to what others are saying. *more important

You don't have to be knowledgeable in every subject matter, when it's your turn to say

something, speak slowly and breathe and turn the topic over to them. There's no one who

doesn't like talking about themselves when asked.

While waiting and listening, it gives you time to relax your shoulders and breathe and exhale

which will be calming both your mind and body. Once you practice this over and over, you

will gain a confidence that can't be bought. Smile and Listen, don't stress over what you will

be saying next. Let it come naturally. You'll learn as you listen more. And feel more

relaxed as well. I think right now you are just so overwhelmed that nothing that would

change would make it better. It's got to come from within you. My best xx

[alat in reply to Agora1]

You are making sense. I used to be in control of it all (to an extent, at least) until I started having anxieties related to things I can't control (how people drive, noisy neighbors) now it is just a whole mess. How can I listen to affirmations? Wear earphones? Or let it play out loud while I sleep? Will it eventually stop?

[Agora1 in reply to alat]

alat, it is true that in life there are things we can't control that we must accept

as well as situations we can change through choices we make. Once you learn to

accept the two differences, life doesn't become so overwhelmingly stressful.

It's a learned behavior, a retraining of your mind.

As for listening to Meditation regarding Affirmations as well as Imagery, you can either

wear earphones or play it on soft speaker.

As you sleep, the affirmations and imagery suggestions are absorbed by your sub conscious mind throughout the night. These positive suggestions take hold in about

30 days but it is a lifetime change. You must saturate your mind each and every night

before falling asleep. I also listen once again upon awakening as it helps put me in a

positive mode for the day.

I now have control over my mind. Having this power which is within each of us,

can control blood pressure, pain, adrenaline rushes, fears etc. I will soon be posting

something on the Power of Meditation...

The mental and physical status felt is unbelievable. However, you can't give up, you must

believe in what you are doing and you must do this continually and not just when you get

anxious. It does work alat. xx

[alat in reply to Agora1]

Thank you! I will give it a try. Hopefully it works; I have to say, I am a kind of a skeptic about these things.

[Agora1 in reply to alat]

alat, you are not alone in being skeptical, I was as well.

Going in and out of therapy feeling the same, listening to relaxation

tapes, feeling the same. Nothing seemed to work, that is until I started

truly believing that maybe just maybe there was a possibility I could get

better. I had nothing to lose since nothing seemed to be working so far.

I'd get fidgety during meditation and so I started out slow listening to

1-3-5 minute sessions on YouTube. Worked my way slowly up to 15-20 min.

It's a new learning experience and anxious people no matter how much we

want to get better don't like changes, don't have patience.

Give yourself time to readjust. It will happen when the time is right for you xx

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

It seems like we lived in similar circles you and I. I too was bullied in school but at a much earlier age. I was bullied by my teacher in the third grade. She absolutely hated me. I suspect it was because I was an ugly duckling. I was a tall boxy gal. Couldn't help it that I was bigger than the other kids and had a unibrow lol. But she absolutely dislike me. I think she also thought the gifts my mother would make me buy for my teachers because I did it for all of them from Pre-K all the way up to the third grade gifts for Christmas and teacher appreciation Day etc. I think she saw it as maybe I was trying to grease the wheels or something. But I wasn't trying to get ahead of anybody or trying to buy her kindness. I just was kind of forced to doing this because supposed to show gratitude towards your teacher.

I understand that depressive episodes. In fact I was having this conversation with a friend of mine. How sometimes the slightest things and it's usually the silliest things can set off a depressive episode. And then it gets you ruminating about these kinds of questions that you have. Am I depressed because I'm so easily set off by a scream? Am I depressed because friends of mine are doing so much better than I am? Why am I like this? I have lived through so much and yet I have to go through this? How is this fair? I've done that. In fact I did it a couple of days ago. Mine started because me and my fiance are looking for a home. And there was this home that was for sale in a neighborhood I would like to live in. The home was really nice and I could picture myself living there. I even had ideas on how I can flip certain rooms and what color schemes they would be. But the house sold like I figured it would. And that made me sad. Because I already knew the home was going to be sold because of the fact that we are not quite there yet financially speaking. And my dream homes have come up for sale I've always missed out on. Always the bridesmaid never the bride. Any kind of got to me. And I started thinking about I have gone through a lot in my childhood from verbal abuse to bullying to being agoraphobic to anxiety attacks panic attacks and it took years of therapy to finally conquer it. Or at least I thought I conquered it. Learned how to drive and get my license at 24 because like you I was terrified of driving. But I did it. And then wondering if I ever be alone forever. I want a companionship but how does one start off a conversation with yeah I don't have a job and I'm an agoraphobic I don't really go anywhere. But I keep up on the latest news, read books, watch popular TV shows. I have a great sense of humor and oh wait you're leaving... I once asked the therapist how can I find companionship when I am like this? She said get a job. Because people won't love you if you don't bring something to the table basically. But I end up did finding love. And I traveled on an airplane by myself. Rented a car drove it. I was finally becoming an adult I felt. Then my setback for years ago. And now I have to scratch and crawl my way back to the top and it pisses me off. And like you I start having these questions. So to answer your questions like Abe Simpson from The Simpsons once said a little bit from column A little bit from column b. It's all the above. And yes you have gone through a lot. My condolences about an aunt passing away and another one possibly on death door. Financial troubles are definitely hard. And also about your father gain out of the hospital. Work being hell which is causing you stress which is causing your GERD to act up. Stress and anxiety can make GERD turn up as they say. It's like me when the anxiety My anxiety gets so bad my eczema will pop up. So don't feel too bad that you get this way. It's normal. You have to remember that you are doing good. Maybe even get a journal and write down your accomplishments. Like hey the neighbors next door the kids screamed but I didn't have a panic attack or get anxious. I continued on with my day. That is a good entry. It's also a good way to track down certain things. When you do have an episode what was going on in your life at that time. And also to look back on when you do have these depressive moments that hey I have done good and I have the proof right here. As for your wishing that they would move and you'll get quiet neighbors and your life will be great again Yeah that's kind of a pipe dream I'm afraid to say. Your neighbors can move and be replaced by others. Yeah they may be quieter. But with anxiety you'll find something new to be anxious about. Like your financial situation will be your primary source for anxiety or going to work will become the new thing. Because that's how anxiety works it latches on to things. And you'll pick out things because anxiety searches. And like I posted recently about things out of your control. Like your neighbors around you and the world at large you can control that. You have to go with the flow. Anxiety lives in the fight against it. And the only way out of anxiety is through. It doesn't last forever and yeah sure it's uncomfortable as hell. But you can pull through you've done it before and you can do it again. Life is not easy and life is what you make of it. You have to learn to live in the moment. You can't wait to be okay to live life. And you're only in your mid-20s You still got a lot of living to do. But I have faith in you. You'll figure this out and you can beat back anxiety. Anxiety will never leave you That is something you have to understand. But that doesn't mean that you have to be a slave to it. It can just be background noise. You'll get the sensations but you already have the coping skills on how to handle it. Tell yourself that these are just sensations like waves in the ocean You just have to ride the waves and eventually it'll go away. And over time you see yourself getting better at doing that. Eventually you won't even notice anymore. You might have to deal with the other things like your OCD and possibly I suspect PTSD. I have PTSD from years of childhood trauma. And you could work that out with a therapist, counselor or psychologist. To help you process and figure out how to heal from that. Which is what I'm kind of doing right now. And like what Agora 1 said try meditation sessions. Practice box breathing. Maybe take up some light exercise. Yoga or some type of calisthenics where you use your body as the weight. Something to channel that anxiety too. Wow I just realized I wrote a really long post 😂 sorry about that I can be a little bit long-winded. I hope you don't mind. Anyways wishing you peace of mind and know that you're not alone 🫂❤️

[alat in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Do not apologize for your responses, I actually like them and they help a lot.

I wish there is a way to just cure it completely.

"Your neighbors can move and be replaced by others. Yeah they may be quieter. But with anxiety you'll find something new to be anxious about." You're right, and that's why I am wondering: if ever my anxiety about noisy neighbors ceases and I no longer care, what will I be anxious about?

I guess a huge part of my condition is that I REFUSE to believe that I'll have anxiety forever, although I can relate to you saying it's a background noise, I learned to enjoy car rides a little with the anxiety in the background, also learned to cook without letting the worrying about surface hygiene (although I am the one that cleaned them!) stop me.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to alat]

Well Anxiety is apart of us all. Anxiety was once a necessary tool for our ancestors. It helped kept them alive. Now in our modern world it's not as useful. And can get in the way. In fact first world nations have a high number of people with anxiety. Why is that? Because we don't have the outlet like we used to. So now it's shifted to our jobs, commuting, people etc. Anxiety is needed for when you are in danger so you can get out of it. Anxiety is how your brain perceives a threat and your body then reacts to that threat. And they both sync up which can be a problem. Cuz then you get an anxiety attack or a panic attack. Cuz both your body and your mind are thinking you are an extreme danger and you need to get out of here.

But we have to find ways to quill anxiety. Eventually you can get to a place like where I was where it's not at the forefront of your mind. Like mine only popped up when I have to fly on airplanes. But then it would quickly dissipate once I boarded my plane. And it would pop back up again during takeoff. And then again it would dissipate and go away. And then I would just be looking out the window seeing the clouds or jamming to my music or trying to find something to watch that will kill 2 hours of time in the air 😂

Like most recently I went and drove during the day. This is the first time ever in 3 years that I've drove during the day. I've been building up to it. I've been driving around at night when traffic is non-existent. And it was a couple of days ago where I drove home from the mall. And you know what I felt okay. Felt like how I used to feel, just like old times. I'm getting there. Just like you're getting there. Couple steps forward you might have a step back but don't let it hold you back. And then you keep moving forward again. And I hope you're having a good day. Sorry I took so long for the reply ❤️

[Agora1 in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Brilliant and thorough response. I agree with you completely xx