New to the group and seeking support while I go through a severe depressive episode

[stevielovescc]

Hello everyone! I've been struggling a lot lately. I feel selfish for it too. I have a hard time when I feel that there is plenty of good in my life but my mind focuses on the negative. I do my best to talk myself through it by stating the opposite of what I'm thinking, like when I say I'm worthless, I counter it by stating that I'm worthy. Nothing is helping me right now. Saturday night I relapsed and self-harmed after years of not doing that. I've had extreme suicidal ideation since then. I won't do anything but the thoughts are very hard to deal with. Mainly, I've been overly focused on thinking that I'm a screw up and waste of space/energy. I could run away and start a new life but it wouldn't matter because I would still be there to mess things up. I don't know what to do to feel better. People have been great and have reached out to me but my depression is overshadowing it all. This post is probably pointless but I can only just hope that people who can understand me and also don't know me may be able to help.

Thank you.

[Hidden]

I appreciate you sharing all of that. I am experiencing the same things. And the part about feeling selfish really resonates with me. I just don't know how to overcome this. I mean, I do, but it gets so exhausting. I am looking for a support group that I can actually attend in person but there aren't that many out there.

I will tell you that God is my stronghold. He is the ONLY thing that keeps me from really losing it. Well, I focus on my children as well. Anyway, hope you begin to see some relief!

[Depresseddoglover]

I can relate to everything you're saying - feeling worthless and like a waste of space. Then hating myself even more because I am so blessed - but I cannot connect my feelings to the objective truth. I'm in chronic emotional despair and having an identity crisis and existential crisis. I tried affirmations, meditation, exercise, journalling, yoga, crying, gratitude lists, reaching out to family and although those things helped fractionally I still wanted to die every minute of every day. I hadn't had a wink of sleep in 2 months because of debilitating anxiety and I was on a beautiful family vacation during which I felt suicidal most of the time. I told everyone that I no longer knew how to help myself and was very desperate for relief. I am very slowly turning a corner though. I believe my medication is beginning to work and I don't feel as toxic on the inside. I am hopeful that things will return to normal because the alternative is almost unbearable. Please don't give up on yourself! Something has got to work - medication (I have tried a dozen) psychotherapy (I have done CBT, DBT and addiction counselling) transcranial magnetic stimulation (I am looking into it) or ketamine therapy (relatively new). I have also tried microdosing psilocybin and have done ayahuasca. I am currently trying 2 new medications and am doing TRE (trauma releasing exercises). All this to say that it can be a long and arduous road but I remain hopeful that life can feel worth living.

[hatemyhead]

all I can say is that if the depression starts to run your life you need to talk to your doc

[Hidden]

Hey man, well sounds like an all too familiar story as it's pretty much mine too. You're more than welcome to private chat me if you need to talk and I listen or give feed back. I am currently going through group therapy that has been guiding me on how to tackle this cycle of negative thinking.

[abc30]

The solution for depression is to go to a doctor and take pills. Depression is a disease like many others, chronic disease for many of us, but with medication we may have a normal life.

[pbkk1990]

I've been experiencing the same thing for the last year. Welcome! I hope you can find solace here!

[bluepepper1992]

Are you taking any prescriptions? Its so great to know that there are others like us out there. I've dealt with depression & suicidal thoughts since my teens years (which now I'm in my 50's). The hardest part for me is that no matter how you try to explain how you feel, no one really understands unless they deal with it too. I have a great husband & son and last year I came really close to cutting my wrists and after I was so tired that I went to bed and looked on pinterest for wrist tattoos. I ended up getting one to remind myself that tomorrow I might gel different. I found stickers that say"don't always believe what you think" which I put on a couple mirrors. I can't always trust my brain because it takes over my heart, I've felt like I should never have been born, and takes over where I feel like everyone would be eventually happier if i was gone.

Hang in there, you're not alone and always try to wait one more day. I think that's why alcoholics saying is One Day at a Time.

[cbgrace1980]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are not alone in your struggles, and it is best to make sure you are in touch with your doctor when times like this arise. I know there isn't a cure for depression but there are things we can do, just like the positive self talk, that may not feel good when you are doing it, but speaking truth to yourself will definitely help keep your mind focused. I struggle with this too, and I have a good counselor and doctor who help me anytime I need them. Hang in there, you are worthy of living and breathing and you are not going through this alone even if it feels that way.