Feeling blah, relationship and ttc issues, depressive episodes and anxiety.

[Mynamehere]

I'm so frustrated.

My husband has a low sex drive. If I never pushed we would never have sex.

I've been off the pill since September.

Yes he is on board with having another baby.

I'm already on the 15th day of my cycle, we haven't had sex yet, and if I say anything I'm pushy. If I try anything I'm annoying, he's tired, he just wants to snuggle and watch TV.

I haven't gotten a positive ovulation test yet this month but I feel like we're wasting opportunities here.

So now I'm in a depressive fog feeling ugly and stupid and unwantable.

And I'm having so much anxiety that in two weeks I'll have another painful period bc he was too lazy to even try.

And instead of being productive I'm floating around in a depressive fog, randomly crying bc it all feels so hopeless.

[SantoRyu]

Hello!

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Have you ever sat him down and had a heart to heart with him about this? It sounds like a delicate issue--his low sex drive--but maybe there is a way to discuss it without him becoming offended. While it sounds like you both want another baby...There seems to be lack of communication in there somewhere. Do you think it's possible to have a heart or heart or you have tried to no avail?

[Mynamehere in reply to SantoRyu]

I've tried I just can't figure out the right approach without him feeling like I'm pressuring him.

But not pressuring him and letting it go causes months to go by bc he never initiates.

And I understand it's a him thing, and he has stress and anxiety that has nothing to do with me or us, but at the same time it is so frustrating bc it's not like I will be fertile forever, I'm barely fertile now.

[SantoRyu in reply to Mynamehere]

I understand. It’s a very delicate situation. I don’t know you, your husband nor the situation but it is possible he could also be embarrassed due to his low sex drive. I know when people are embarrassed that they sometimes might not want to deal with a situation head on.

Has he visited a doctor about this?

Is his stress/anxiety being managed right now (whether he is seeing a professional, taking meds or controlling it on his own)

If he always feels pressured whenever you bring it up...I would just suggest to remind him that you love him and will always love him and ask if there is anything that you can do to help him with this issue. Whether it is something you can do to get him in the mood or even by encouraging him to get help with this.

I am sure that you have gone above and beyond already. You are doing the best that you can.

[Hidden in reply to Mynamehere]

From someone in the same boat, I'm not sure what i will say will apply to u, but anyways...

How long have you been together? And how long has this been happening? My boyfriend and I have the same issue. he says because we fight so much, and he doesnt even want to be in this relationship, but he is trying to be in this relationship, .. he doesnt feel intimate or attracted to me. he just wants out of this relationship. so even the days when i look good or we go out or we are doing good, it is still the same thing. we haven't been intimate in months! many many many months! and we were just the opposite before he realized my depression and our fights started.

Try talking to him. Might not work. If that doesn't work, let it be for a while. No point in asking over and over. Don't initiate it too often. Let him miss you too. and work on yourself and don't be depressed. Im hoping that will work.\

Good luck

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi! I couldn’t help but comment on your comment t..... if you have a boyfriend who doesn’t want to be in the relationship,why not get rid of him. Seriously, as someone (probably) older whose made lots of relationships errors, stop wasting your life with someone who has to try so hard to be with you. There’s lots of fish in the sea.

[Susan512]

Hi Mynamehere, did you say that your husband is depressed and is he taking medication for it, because that would do it low sex drive or non at all, that is one of the side effects of some medications for mental illness, I hope everything works out for you and your husband 💛

[Hidden]

He could have a low testosterone level and he only needs the prescribed cream to remedy the situation! But he has to be willing to go to the MD and get it checked out. Blood work!

[BA-H]

Hi - guy speaking here. One with depression and let's just say things don't happen as easily as they used to. I can confirm what others have said that is it embarrassing to try to initiate sex, only to struggle. I've gone to docs and been given pills, with only limited success. I'm sure part is physical, and that they can help with the drugs, but part is the depression and I'm working on that separately. But what I can tell you is that I would love it if my wife "pushed" more often. I might resist a bit at first because of the embarrassment thing, but she knows over the years how to get me going. I'm also afraid she, like you, sees it as a problem with her and therefore maybe she is embarrassed about pushing it herself. This is not the truth, but probably starts a bad spiral. So everything everyone else has said is probably right on the mark. It's not about you. Just thought maybe it would be helpful hearing it from the other side.

[Mynamehere]

A few of you have asked similar questions so I'll respond in general.

He has been to Drs. His low drive is just a result of his anxiety and him being tired from stress.

He has been on and off medication for anxiety. He's snappier and gets angry faster off meds, and still isn't interested. On meds he's sweeter but still not in the mood and has issues finishing.

I've tried asking what I can do, he doesn't know. He isn't into anything kinky, doesn't care what I wear. Doesn't like when I'm too aggressive, but if I'm not at all nothing happens.

Last night we started then he said he peaked and his back hurt and he was tired.

We've been married almost 6 years, dated over a year before that. Sex was really good before kids and life stress. It's been downhill since I gave birth to our first.

[Mynamehere in reply to Mynamehere]

But why does his depression and anxiety get to be coddled and I just need to deal with mine and push it aside?

I cried myself to sleep last night. 3rd night in a row that I tried initiating. As I mentioned in my other comment, he gave in but gave up halfway through.

So for the sake of our goals I spent 2 episodes playing with him, putting myself out there, trying, and we didn't even finish.

[SantoRyu in reply to Mynamehere]

It does sound like you are doing all that you can do in all honesty.

I know you said that he isn't in the mood even when he is on meds but something needs to give here.

Does he have a therapist? If he does not have any physical reason as to why he has a low drive (low testosterone levels, etc.) Then it might be psychological. He does have anxiety and stress but if he is to the point that he is like this then he needs help. However, it's up to him. You've done all you can.

I know that you said you two want a baby but it seems like until he gets whatever help that he needs that it may be problematic to conceive at this time.

If he is this stressed and anxious now, how will he feel with another baby? I apologize if I'm making you think too much.

[Mynamehere in reply to SantoRyu]

He doesn't think therapy is for him.

As far as another baby being stress, he's an amazing father and being with the kids relaxes him if anything. It's more the mess that I can't keep up with, and financially managing things scares him, but he's doing a good job.

It just feels like we don't have the luxury of waiting. We want at least 2 more, and with my history of fertility issues....

Don't apologize, I came here for others ideas and thoughts. Thank you.

[SantoRyu in reply to Mynamehere]

I understand.

I wish I could offer more advice but I am all out unfortunately.

I just hope that you two will be able to get "busy" a day add to your family and that he gets to a place where he is less stressed and anxious.

I used to think that therapy isn't for me but I am giving it a go now. I've had a somewhat negative attitude towards therapy for years (for myself) but now I'm trying to be open to it and really give it my all. I just hope that he finds whatever will work for him and relax him

[laststand]

I suffer from a low sex drive also. I have an abnormally low testosterone levels for someone as young as I am.

He may want to get this checked. There are a lot of similar symptoms to hypothyroidism. I couldn't figure out what the problem was with me for many years and I heard an ad on the radio that made me go to the doctor to check for low T. Turns out that was what I had and it can cause you to be exhausted, depressed, have a low sex drive...you name it.

I wish you the best with your situation. Please message me any time to talk or if you have questions.

[Jj30039]

I had to comment on this post. I don't know if that also works for a woman having a low sex drive. But that's how I am I don't know if it's because of the depression and anxiety. My boyfriend and I always fuss about it. He says crazy things like I don't want him & he's going back in the gym. I really don't think that has anything to do with it. I know I love him and all. I really just think it's me. he told me that if I never did push u to have sex I really don't think you would try. Depression and anxiety are very real now I feel like maybe this Place apart with my hormones after reading some of the comments. He told me a while back I know that I love you cuz if I didn't love you and the way we're not having sex I would have been out in the streets. Wow something to really think about.

[Careyon]

Well that must be a tough position to be in. Are you sure he truly wants another child 'right now'? It seems like you may be more ready than he is. Or perhaps he has something medical going on that he should get checked out. Or perhaps he has a lot of stress at work and feels this is just another task on his To Do list. I think you have to communicate to him your concern with him not wanting to have sex with you. You'll need to find the right time to have this conversation. Make it more about being concerned about him rather than about the baby or you. When you do get him talking about it, let him speak. Listen carefully to what he's sayin, not for what you may want him to say. Pray for your husband and whatever he may share with you. You may just have to wait for God's perfect timing.

[Mynamehere in reply to Careyon]

So we've discussed this in depth over the past year, and he does want more, and realizes that if our ultimate goal is at least 4, and I have my fertility issues, and he doesn't want to have one after the other, that it needs to be now. You are correct that this is something that I want more, but he does want, I think it's more his want is coming from logic and mine emotional and that's why it's so much harder for me.

But he is an amazing father, and loves being with the kids and knows he will love this one just as much, and is excited about that.

Medical he knows already what's up. He has been checked out, and gets checked out on a regular basis. We had similar issues when trying for our 2nd but it wasn't this bad. We managed at least once to three times a cycle then, we didn't skip any just bc he couldn't.

[Careyon]

Good to hear you’re on the same page about the kids. I’m sorry you’re having these challenges. Try focusing on having fun and enjoying each other and life. Plan a romantic getaway or stay action. Maybe that will help relieve some of the stressful.