I have a good psychiatrist but ive been looking for a second opinion or a new one. Im not getting any better. But very few are taking new patients. I don't want some random person from the internet. I started calling the hospitals. Mount Sinai hospital seems to have a good treatment resistant depression clinic but I can't get a hold of anyone there. There's a residential treatment center in Florida. They take insurance. It's not a hospital, more like a rehab center. My son, who's 12 really doesn't want me to go he's always saying I can't be without my daddy. He says it a lot, and that he loves me. I don't want to sound selfish, but it's really hard for me when he does that. Don't get me wrong, I love it and it makes me feel special and loved, but I really don't want to be here. I promised him I'm never going to leave him, but honestly, I don't know if I can keep that promise. I'm in so much pain for so long (20-25 years, the last year and half extremely suicidal), that I just want to end it all. I've been on every med there is, hospitalized, ECT, TMS and ketamine. Nothing works. I do DBT with my therapist twice a week. Doesn’t work.
I don't care about anything I used to. I feel like a piece of furniture. I'm in couples therapy with my wife because she's been so unhappy for so long. We have a very unequal marriage. She does everything, I helped out more years ago when I felt better, but the last few years have been really bad. With my depression, I just can't do it. I know she's thinking of leaving me and taking my son with her. To not live in the same house with him would devastate me. I don't know to do, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. I don't really want to die, I want to save my marriage and raise my son. I want my life back instead of this furniture existence. I don't know how to. What more can I do.
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Joshgw
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I'm sorry it's so hard. The first thing I would recommend is to show this to your wife and ask her the question of "what more can I do?"
talking about the state you in - hopefully helps but do use us and Samaritans or psychiatrist and they more professional. Try to get back on your foot with help you can do it Every step towards getting job that will satisfy you will also help Just try
Hi Josh, so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you did research on inpatient facilities. Would you share the name & location of the place in Florida? I'm ready to check myself in if they take insurance. Barely functioning and the professionals don't know what else to do. So frustrating to have to figure this out when it's hard just to breathe and get out of bed.
If anyone reading this knows of a good inpatient program, please respond. This has been going on for way to long and lives are at stake. Thank you in advance.
Josh, as always, you are in my prayers. Please keep me posted. I care about you and your family.
It's called FHEHeath in Florida. If someone has other options please let me know. I agree, lives are at stake. Mine for not being here, the trauma of my 12 year old son and the heartbreak of my wife. I can't do anything either. I want to live and raise my son but I'm in too much pain.
I took a “GeneSite” test. It made a world of difference for me. It explained why no antidepressants ever worked for myself. It gives your doctor an idea what would help you! It could save your life. I might have mentioned this before to you. If not GeneSite, there are others. My insurance paid for mine. Good luck to you.
Really, I am sorry it did not help. Was it the real Genesight or one of the others out there? We’re you able to actually see your results on paper? I sure hope you were. Here is a copy of a sample report. Did yours look like this. This is just a little part of a report. It covers any drugs related to mental health. Good luck..
On your SSRI’s, does it tell you what you are the most allergic to? Or not? Why do you say it does not work for you? If it does not, then whatever is wrong is something else all together. That is too bad.
Sometimes drugs just don't work. I've taken them All. None help. Maybe this is just my life and I need to just accept it. I can't leave my son or wife. The only alternative is being miserable and never enjoying the things I used to or function like a regular adult.
Same here. I did Genesight test. All the antidepressants they recommended for me were already tried and failed. My doctor was at a loss but I started drugs again...over and over. They used to work...until they stopped working. I've tried and retried. Currently struggling with Lexapro and I feel like I'm being poisoned. It's horrible.
How long have you been on lexapro. I was on it for 13 years until a year and a half ago. I got tired of not having any joy, the emotional blunting and emotional paralysis. So I chose to go off. Dumbest thing I ever did. I was relatively stable. I was great at work, a was a relatively functional human being. I went to the movies, concerts, involved in politics, read voraciously. I was never Suicidal. I haven't been stabalised since, I'd be dead if it wasn't for my son. How do you say goodbye to a 12 year old? I promised, I'd never leave him him. Now my life is like a piece of furniture and not worth living. But I'm stuck in it bc I love my son more than life itself.
I tried lexapro again. Fucker didn't work. I heard For some reason once you leave something and go back it never works the same
Lexapro used to work for me years ago also. Don't know if it will work this time or not but I'm giving it a try. I had to start by cutting 10mg pill into quarters for 8 days just to be able to tolerate it. Now I'm at 1/2 a pill, 5mg and holding until I can tolerate it without side effects. My doctor is leaving that up to me, knowing what a hard time I have tolerating any meds. He said 5mg is better than nothing and just keep taking it. I don't even know yet if it will work or not but I'm trying & hoping. I'm looking into facilities/programs just in case Lexapro fails. I need a back up plan. I'm really not functioning at a sustainable level. Something must be done even if it means inpatient program.
Mine wasn't accurate at all either. Showed meds I had been on that should work and didn't, showed meds I was on and shouldn't work but did. It is not necessarily accurate for all. And my insurance at the time didn't cover it and I didn't find out till after the fact.
Nice of you to ask. I honestly don't know. I just keep getting worse and worse. I need to figure out how not to leave my son. Can you talk, instead of just a message board?
Healing from depression isn't like other illnesses. That's because your feelings are your feelings but they don't make the whole of you. DBT is great for recognizing and learning how to deal with it. The meds facilitate by giving you the space to learn those skills but they aren't insulin for depression. When people say "it didn't work" I have to ask what your expectations are?
I've been doing DBT since January and I'm feeling worse, not better. I'm more and more suicidal, less and less functional. My overall mood, abilities to perform everyday tasks are worsening. What would you call it?
I'm completely emotionally unstable. My meds are not stabalising me for me to take more of an advantage of my DBT.
I am not in the position to call it anything. It does seem like getting stable is a priority. So sorry you haven't found the right formula. May I ask...Is this all relatively sudden? Like over the course of a year or two as opposed to 10?
One more thought... You aren't an effective father unless you take care of yourself. If your wife is there to help I suggest getting the help you need even if it means going away. Think of it like when they tell you to put on your mask before anyone else's on an airplane. There is a reason for that. It might hurt your son in the short term but if you both handle it right and be honest it won't hurt him in the long run and he will probably respect you more for it.
I’m so sorry my friend. You have tried and are still trying so much. Keep trudging along for your family until something pops up that helps you. Keep an open mind. You are in thought and prayers.
Thank you Starrlight. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to leave my family. I have pictures of my son at work and when I look at them I sob
I know you have amazing love for your family. Let that same love be felt for yourself while you are working on finding the next pathways in life. You are a good person. You are trying. You deserve to get better. I believe in coming out of depression. I have slipped in and out a lot in life. Going into it lately. So I really feel for you. We have to just keep moving forward despite the pain.
I hear you, thanks for your very kind post. I am trying. But I'm not getting any relief. I need to show my wife I can be a bigger partner but I feel myself slipping into the abyss
Do you know what she expects of you? Have you talked about it with her? Is she understanding of what would help you as well as what she needs from you?
My therapist told me today to focus on what is going right…it’s hard when depression tries to make us see everything as wrong but I think it’s a good practice to try…
I ask myself that a lot even though I'm going through a very different situation then what you're going through. (I still relate to the title, and I feel like I'm just going in circles and just don't know what to do anymore). I can understand not wanting to leave your son, but I don't see it as breaking a promise, I more so see it as going to get help so that you can be an even better father to him, better than you are now. (Not saying that you're not doing a great job already, so that you can do an even better job than what you're doing now. Hopefully that makes sense and didn't come off as rude or come out wrong). I got some good advice from a coworker one time, he told me something along the lines of "You can't help other people until you help yourself first, because you can't help them as effectively if you're down." He's right about that.
Sometimes it's better to move psychiatrist even though it might not be as easy especially if you already have someone you been seeing for a while and like them. But if it's not helping sometimes, you might want need to make that switch. It is hard to come by appointments because it seems like a lot of people are just in need of help for many different reasons (not saying that those other people don't need the help.) If you can find another psychiatrist I' probably stay in help with the current psychiatrist and don't make that switch until you know that the new one is going to work.
I know exactly what you mean. Thanks. But I also promised him I'd be around. If I lived alone I probably wouldn't be here. Right now I really want to go to the ER, but I also know that won't help me. I've been hospitalized once.
I can understand not wanting to go to the ED. They're helpful with a lot of stuff, but not so much mental health, or at least in my experience. I've been in and out of the hospital a total of 8 times, 5 times for my PTSD, transported there by EMS. The first time was when I was diagnosed with it, but the other 4 times was because I wasn't coping well with it (I'm still not honestly). Then I was there once because of a really bad anxiety attack, and they sent me home. Then transported twice because of my Type 1 Diabetes. Although the 1st time I was transported for my Type 1, I was ordered by my battalion chief so I couldn't disobey his order. You don't want to argue with that rank. The fellow EMTs that picked me up told me "You could've signed a refusal" and I said "true, but you don't argue with a battalion chief." They agreed to that. I've been back and forth between the crisis center and ED both not really helpful. The other thing I can think of is, if you have a crisis center, they should be able to give you recourses to help you. I personally don't find the crisis center helpful, because one time when I went to the ED, after a 4 hour wait for them to tell me to go to the crisis center, so I went to the crisis center the next time I needed help, they told me to go to the ED after waiting for an hour to talk to someone. It's like no one knows how to help. Another time at the crisis center, as I was talking about the trauma, I had to stop because it looked like the person that was supposed to be helping me, needed help herself after she was done with me.
I pray what you're taking helps you. I've been suffering trying to find a medication that works too. I saw my doctor today and asked to try Auvelity myself. I did some research and found out it's supposed to work in about a week instead of several weeks like other antidepressants. I took my first dose today. So far so good.
I actually am going off fetzima. Just didn't agree with me. I've been going from one drug straight to another for a year and and a half with zero success. My Dr. And I decided I needed to detox my system and clean everything out and then decide what to do. I've heard a lot about Auvelity myself and am curious to see how it works for you. Please let me know. You can always pm me. Considering it's basically wellbutrin and cough syrup (and I've done wellbutrin), I'd love to hear how different it is.
It's been a week now on Auvelity and I'm feeling a lot better. I'm afraid to even say that out loud, I don't want to wake the beast! The wellbutrin isn't the part that makes the difference. It's the dextromethorphan it's mixed with. The bupropion is there to boost the dextromethorphan and make it stay longer in your system. I'm only taking one pill as I taper off the Trintellix. Then I'll go to 2 pills which is the full dose. I'm praying the improvement is real this time!Check out this video about it:
Sorry you are still suffering and feel like you're not making any progress. I see where you have done some different types of therapy, did you suffer a traumatic childhood and are you suffering from trauma/c-ptsd? Have you done any therapy specifically for it? Have you done any physical/emotional therapy like Somatic therapy? Some types of therapy help us intellectually but we also need to process and feel our deep emotional pain in order to heal. I found somatic therapy helpful and emdr very helpful for healing my childhood trauma/c-ptsd. I also found ACT therapy helpful for my depression. There are a lot of different types of therapy available now and I found spending time to determine what kind I thought I needed for the next stage of my healing helped. I would then use google to search for that kind of therapist in my area and check out their website or profile on sites like psychologytoday.com. I have read where a lot of therapists are busy but I've also read a lot are doing more therapy online which means you wouldn't have to find some one local.
One of the things I read a number of years ago was that depression could be caused by repressed anger and that when patients started getting in touch with their anger and rage, venting it and processing it, their depression and over all mood improved. I realized I had repressed my anger for years because I was punished and shamed for trying to express even normal healthy anger so I was also in denial about it. I started working on allowing myself to feel the anger and focus on my perpetrator, direct it at them and beat the crap out of a pillow in therapy, venting it and releasing it. It felt great and empowering. I was also careful to direct the anger at my perpetrator and not at myself. I also started doing the same thing at home when I was triggered, got a plastic baseball bat, focused on who I was angry at and beat the crap out of a pillow, I would even do the same thing with a sledgehammer outside pounding on rocks. Over time my repressed anger really decreased and I felt much better. This may apply to you or not but it couldn't hurt.
Loved your response to Joshgw. I was in a group therapy session last year and they wanted us to describe what made us most angry. I was the only one who said that I haven’t been angry in years, for as long as I can remember. I was being honest. Everyone was floored and the therapist said “Well, lucky you!”. I later came to find out that my anger is so repressed that I have taught it to never boil to the surface. I come from an upbringing where anger was never displayed or appropriate. Everyone is calm, cool, and collected. I’m not sure how to find that anger and let it out. Kind of feel like the hulk Perhaps I need to get a punching bag and see if I can explode for a while. Loved your post!
Thank you, glad you liked it. I think it's more common than a lot of people realize and it makes sense, if you were punished as a kid and thought your very survival depended on suppressing anger of course you would repress it and deny it. It took me a long time to admit it and allow myself to get in touch with it and start to feel safe processing it. I had no idea that it was fueling my anxiety and depression. To me anger was rage but there are varying degrees of anger without rage. I started paying attention to how a felt especially when I felt upset or triggered or tense and noticing if I was angry. i started keeping a mood/anger diary to become more aware of my feelings and anger. I also noticed how a lot of my anger was directed at myself instead of who it should have been and started taking steps to change that. I also found just writing out the anger and venting it helped me, just get in touch with it don't worry about editing it or what it looks like, etc.. and just vent.
Because it's the suppression of our emotions including anger that cause our depression and anxiety. It's easy to try to rationalize and try to solve our problems intellectually because that way we don't have to actually feel all of the traumatic difficult emotions and deal with them. It's just a form of denial and avoidance. Our traumatic emotions/memories are stored in our body and need acknowledgement and processing to heal. The book "The body keeps the score" verifies this.
hi Josh. I am sorry you are feeling so awful. I am in your wife’s shoes and my boyfriend is like you. I have an 11-year-old son (not my boyfriend’s son, from my previous marriage).
A few things I can say. Your son needs you so much. It sounds like you are worried about going to Florida due to being away from him? If this program has a chance to help you, you should go. Yes, your son will miss you. But he will REALLY miss you if you take your life and he doesn’t get to grow up with his father around. He is literally begging you to be around for him. He loves you because you are a loving father. Your wife needs you too. If she feels like me, any thoughts about leaving are NOT because she doesn’t want you around. She just might need to feel like you are really present, like she can count on you. I don’t expect my boyfriend to work an 8-5 job and be “normal”. I know the depression is a constant struggle. I do need him to be an adult and I do need him to show up. I need HIM, not any random man, and I am so very scared at the thought of him not being here because of his depression. I am sure your wife is scared too because you are not replaceable.
I’m sure it will be the hardest thing for you to do, but please do SOMETHING to stay here, for yourself and your family. Whether it’s checking yourself into the treatment program in Florida, or hoisting yourself out of bed with every ounce of strength you have. I’d vote for a positive action rather than waiting for a feeling to get better. Something concrete, like cooking dinner, going for a walk, watching a show with your son. We all know there is not an easy fix, but I also believe that you will not always feel as bad as you do right now. You deserve to feel better than this and it can happen. You just need to stick around for it and take a small step right now, one at a time, whatever it is to make today 0.1% better. Tomorrow you can work on the next 0.1%.
Thank you for this post. It means a lot. Your right, I really need to go away. If it wasn't for my son and wife I'd probably be dead. I promised my son a long time ago I would always be here for him and that's what's keeping me alive, barely. I'm worried about being away from him permanently. I don't want him to grow up without me. I want to be the one to raise him. It will kill him, ruin his life. He always says I don't want to be without my dad. Right now it's a real struggle. I really want to go to the ER right now, but ive been hospitalized once and I know that's not going to help me. I want to be alive, but I don't know how to do that right now.
go to the ER if that is where you need to be. No, it won’t make all the problems go away, but it will keep you alive and will be the first step to making things much more tolerable.
Your son obviously loves you so much. Since your situation reminds me of my boyfriend, something that I can say about him that he is the kindest, most loving person with the best heart that I have ever met. Sounds like you are like this with your family. That’s not something you can find every day so you really, really need to stick around.
Thanks. I don't need the ER, and I actually came out worse from the hospital then when I went in.
I promised my son, who's 12, 1000 times over, I will not leave him. It will kill him. Ruin his life. I love him more than anything ever in the world.
But my life is a living hell. I can't function, I'm on meds, go to therapy twice a week. I just want to get better. I do DBT but it's not sticking. I don't know what to do. I know I have to go to work, just put my head down and go. But there's so much pain, I'm so paralyzed. If it wasn't for him I probably won't be here, but he is here and I need to get better, but it's so damn hard
he does need you to get better. I’m sorry it’s so hard. The only things that have seemed to give my boyfriend some relief have been ketamine infusions and hiking. The ketamine seemed to really work at first, then less over time and it is expensive. But I think you said you tried that. He’s on Prozac and Abilify as well, and I’m sure they help some in the sense that I don’t really want to see him off of them but they are still not cutting it.
I guess I would still vote for something like the long term treatment program in Florida. Sure it would be tough to be away from home, but it’s tough just functioning right now and this might give you a chance for a better life when you get back. Whatever it takes to stay alive and have some moments of feeling okay! That would be worth anything. Hope your night is at least a tiny bit better than yesterday.
hi there, sorry for your heartache, I think rare candy has said exactly what i was thinking. It is great advice and i believe you really need to go, you have nothing to lose by going away and try to get help. Your wife will see you are trying, it will give her space too and yourself to find if this works for you. Your son does need you but not when you are feeling so low, in the long run you are not helping him by staying. just reassure him you will be back. Best of luck and hope you do whats best for you and your family.🥰
Great advice from others. You must go to Florida,asure your son you will be coming back & maybe they will allow him to visit you while you are in treatment. Tell him its an adventure and you need him to be strong for you. you are so blessed to have such a loving son and and an amazing Dad to have built such a good relationship while going through hell.
You must do what is best for you and your family. If it means a residential treatment program then it seems you have nothing to lose. You need to get better so you can be there for your son. A well dad is much better then a depressed one. Please think about yourself and get the help you need so you can live your best life ❤️
I have been going through similar symptoms for years. I had some luck with Ketamine. But the last session didn't work. And it cost $500! I tried acupuncture and noticed an improvement. It cost $30 at a clinic. I pray and practice Zen Buddhism.I go to online NAMI Groups. It's a constant battle against this horrible disease. Don't give up. At the core of yourself is love. I find this through meditation practice.
I know you said you tried everything, but one thing I have just started (in addition to my meds and yoga and audiovisual entrainment - I use the DAVID from mindalive.com/collections/a... is acupuncture. So far, each treatment gives me a few days of real improvement, and I'm going weekly to build on that. I'm very hopeful. I know more and more insurance carriers are allowing acupuncture, so that might be worth looking into. You've probably tried all kinds of meds, but they are also constantly finding new ones or new ways to dose, so don't give up. The most important thing you can show your son and wife is that you keep trying to get better. Good luck!
Hi Josh! Sorry to hear to are still not doing well. I know how frustrating it is to try almost everything and nothing helps. As much as your son doesn't want you go, I would highly consider the rehab in FL. He says he can't be without his daddy, and hearing that must tear you apart, but if you go to this center at least it will only be temporary whereas if you don't go(whether it's there or somewhere else), there's a chance you may not be around at all if you don't get help. I can tell how hard you are trying.... I feel for you. Please keep us posted. I care...
hi there. Hope all is well. It’s ironic those of us who have life devalue the gift of being alive. Yet someone who dying try to live each day to their full potential. I’m sorry you are experiencing pain. I can tell you the moment you start with gratitude you will be feeling seeing your life differently. You have a string will even if you don’t think so. You were strong enough to admit and say how you feel. I don’t know you but that forth being proud of.
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Perhaps I need to get a punching bag and see if I can explode for a while. Loved your post!
Never thought I would be \"that\" person. Yet here I am. So much love and respect for those struggling. I get it now. I'm a mess & deserve it.
I dont know what I'm doing here.
What should I do to heal? 
I dont know what else to do.
