Need advice or perspective: My husband... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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Need advice or perspective

Puppyrunner profile image

My husband and I have been going through a tough time for quite some time now. We both have been going through some depression and anxiety lately for our own reasons but it's put even more weight on our marriage. We have been fighting for a while now and I have been feeling a disconnect for a while now (more than a year). He keeps saying that everything is fine and he says that he thinks I am making stress from work a problem about our relationship when it is not. I have been getting drunk just about every day now for about a year. I absolutely hate that I am drinking that much and I am worried about my health but I feel like it's the only thing that will make me feel better as I have no family or friends where I am at. Every time that I am upset about our relationship it turns into a fight. I am ready for this relationship to be over as much as it kills me and makes me sad. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am drowning and like I have no one.

30 Replies

Hi Puppyrunner, first of all, you have yourself. Maybe not handling the stress of marital problems and the Pandemic that well but....you know that drinking doesn't solve anything

and that's a start. Learning to love yourself and walk away emotionally when you need to is important. These last 2 years is not the best of times to have your relationship be over.

Life is so iffy right now and to be on your own might prove to be more difficult than you anticipated.

The fact that you say "you are ready for this relationship to be over as much as it kills you and makes you sad", makes me believe this thought is coming from the frustration of the fighting. If things could get better between you two, would that make a difference?

When this Pandemic first started, there was a lot to be said about families learning to be together once again. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on, it's producing more tension rather than harmony. I guess what I'm saying is don't jump into that ocean so quickly or you may drown. Many of us right now, feel as we have no one. I hope you will continue to use this site as your support to keep you afloat. I care :) xx

Puppyrunner profile image
Puppyrunner in reply to Agora1

I really appreciate your words. You have no idea. This is the first time I have talked to anyone about our marital problems. Unfortunately we have had marital problems since a while before the pandemic. So even though it may play a part I feel like it is a small part in our problems. If things could get better between me and my husband I would for sure do anything and everything to keep it. I have loved him more than I thought I could ever love anyone, but I have been telling him about my feelings of our relationship falling apart for so long now and nothing has changed. He keeps denying all of our problems and says that he thinks everything is fine. I really appreciate your insight and I am ripping myself apart trying to figure out what to do.

Agora1 profile image
Agora1 in reply to Puppyrunner

Puppyrunner, think long and hard and you will come up with the answer.

I wish you well, I wish you safety and most of all, I wish you happiness. :) xx

Puppyrunner, we definitely have similar situations going on. I too was drinking a lot. It just makes the depression and anxiety worse so glad I quit. You need to take care of yourself. Communication is key to any relationship.

I know what you mean about the drinking making the depression and anxiety worse. I have done my best to cut back in the last couple weeks. I have been trying to communicate but to be honest I feel like I am the only one honestly communicating.

It definitely takes two to communicate any chance of getting him to open up and salvage your relationship or are you past that point

A couple of days ago I thought maybe there would be. He FINALLY adImitted that everything I was sayin abut him was true and that him not listening and admitting when he was wrong was valid. But then the moment I was upset about something else he got all defensive again. I found messages on his phone talking to another girl( when I was borrowing his phone not snooping). It was nothing crazy but it made me realize how much our relationship was missing. I was just upset because it made me realize he doesn't talk to me like a friend or ally anymore like he talked to her. They weren't talking about anything inappropriate or like it was cheating. But when I tried to talk to him he got so defensive. I'm so tired of not being able to talk to each other anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is not the same person I thought he was.

I understand I found messages on her phone too. I get that feeling of why can’t you talk to me. Maybe a couples counseling would help or maybe he needs time to process and get his feelings out. When my wife left it was a pretty big shock it awaken me too the fact I was shut down emotionally cause of everything going on

Yeah I think your right about him shutting down but I have been telling him that if nothing changes I want a divorce for over a year. We don’t wear our rings anymore and in the past couple months we don’t even sleep in the same room. I mentioned couples counseling and he was all for it but then he changed his mind again and now thinks there is no need for it. The ideal ending to this for me would be that we work on it and fix it. Our relationship used to be so amazing and I don’t know what happened to that or if we could get it back. But when I am the only one that feels there is a problem and he’s not willing to recognize that or try to fix it I feel like I have no other option then to leave. I don’t know how to make him try or stop from shutting down. Do you have any tips that might help push him to putting in the work and owning up to his part????

I know for me I had so much hit me at one time my job shut down after me being there for 26 years, I had gotten another job that the hours were killing me , all the years of bs from the wife and she still was doing the same stuff she said she wouldn’t and the messages.I just slipped right into depression and was shut down. I didn’t even realize it till she left me. It would of been nice if she wanted to sit me down and talked it out but she chose the easy way out she left when I needed her the most. Maybe find the real reason he is shutdown and talk it out or if you leave it might snap him out of it and then be willing to work it out. Communication is key and relationships are something you both have to work on everyday or you get what we are going through

I really appreciate your advice. I will definitely give it a try. Do you feel like your marriage ending was for the best? Do you think if she would have tried those things with you that it would be different and you guys could be happy or do you feel like it was just too much shit to get past?

If she truly still loved me we could of worked it out and been happy with a lot of work but her feelings aren’t there and I can’t make someone love me she needs to let me go so she can be happy

I hope you find your happiness. You seem like a really nice person

Thank you! I have my moments lol. I hope you find happiness too you seem like good person in tough position.

Puppyrunner...love that name. I am so close to your post I could have written it myself, all of it. The pandemic has taken a serious toll on relationships and especially marriages so you're not alone in that regard, and alcohol use has increased significantly too. I drink a lot at night so I can sleep, but I take days off of it too. I try to replace the alcohol with something else, maybe a gingerale or coca-cola, and I might treat myself to a small bit of ice cream as a reward for not drinking. I also make tea or coffee (decaf) so I don't feel like having wine after dinner. Granted, some of those aren't exactly healthy but without an outlet such as long walks outside or getting together with friends it's the best I can do.

I think communication is the way out of a lot of relationship strife, so keep trying to talk to each other. I have decided that since right now I can't leave this marriage I have to at least try to make the best of it, even though we are essentially roommates who merely sleep in the same bed. It is far better, in my humble opinion, to have another human nearby than to be alone. The only caveat I would make to that is if any abuse is involved. No one should ever be subjected to any form of abuse. Certainly, posting here is cathartic and you're sure to get some positive reinforcement, which is extremely helpful.

Puppyrunner profile image
Puppyrunner in reply to

Thank you for your support. I am glad I don’t feel so alone but feel bad for everyone going through the same thing. This website has actually been really helpful which I was not expecting. I hope things get better for you and your marriage

I feel so sorry to hear about your situation. A toxic relationship can be life devastating. Don't drag this relationship anymore because it is not suitable for both of you to prolong this relationship. Sometimes letting go is all you have to do. As for your anxiety, please drinking is not a solution neither it will solve your problems. Moreover getting drunk and ignoring the situation is not even a solution. You both should part ways and restart a new life with a new beginning for a stress-free life. All the best.

Thank you I appreciate your honest input. I definitely am going to stop drinking altogether. I know it’s not healthy and honestly just makes things worse.

I'm sorry to hear that you have gotten to this low place but it's easy to understand how and why. Hopefully you recognize that it is not uncommon for long term relationships to drift apart if both parties aren't making the effort to continually work on the relationship. It does sound like you are making efforts in lots of ways. It does also sound like you have gotten to a place of feeling defeated since all of your effort isn't making any improvements. Which again, is so easy to understand. It's hard to keep trying when there is no progress or signs of success. Since you mentioned that he has changed his mind about couples counseling, would you still consider doing individual counseling? That would provide you with some stress relief as well as some tools to use for your current situation. It would probably also help you to come to a more clear understanding of whether you want to stay or leave the marriage relationship. What do you think?

Yes I definitely want to go to counseling on my own and I already reached out to a counselor. I think you make a great point about it hopefully helping me figure out what to do in this relationship. I just wish he didn't change his mind on going to couples counseling. Maybe once I start going it will help me enough and he will see the difference in me and hopefully that will make him want to go on his own (even if it is without me). But if not then there is nothing I can do anymore to convince him and at least I will get the help I need. I appreciate your kind words and understanding.

Yes talking to a counselor will help to figure things out and it just plain feels good when someone listens. It took me about a year to figure out what to do with my unhappy marriage, but after I decided it was like two tons was lifted off my back. Message me anytime if you want to chat. Good luck

Glad to hear that you have taken the initiative for this. Whatever the long-term outcome is for this relationship, being a healthier version of you is a win!

Dear puppyrunner, so sorry you are in this..., but many of us are. I just made the switch and moved out... after many years of complete and utter disconnect :( it was the hardest thing I have done... but last year threw me into a deep depression and that was my sign to leave..... do you have children together? I am asking bc that just makes things so much harder. No, there was no more common, he deflected and stonewalled me for a long time.... I decided this is a much healthier option for me and the girls also. We slept in different rooms fo4 years... too much happened and not enough talking and connecting :(

It is hard to live on my own, it’s only been a week now,.. but think that it will get better...... email me any time. Would love to hear how you are doing.

Xo. And wishing you all the strength in the world ❤️

I know what you mean about the deep depression. I haven't been eating much and I have little interest or hope for the future. Luckily we do not have children together. I can only imagine how much harder it would be if we did. I am sorry that you are going through that. It sounds even more stressful, but the one bright side you have to having kids is that you still have part of your family with you. Don't get me wrong I know it's harder to go through a divorce if you have kids. I'm just trying to point out a bright side that might make you feel a little bit of comfort. The same goes to you. Reach out if you need to talk. I hope things get better for you and your girls.

Yes, I hear you... my older one, 18, said she wants to stay w me Monday and Tuesday. I am so happy about that. I’m sure the younger one will want that too at some point. My mommy heart is ok with that... I need to have them around me for a bit.....I know what you mean you don’t eat any more, you are hopeless, no motivation... that sounds like the onset of a depression... I felt it coming for a long time. Lost 35 pounds and still not eating much. You really have to think if this makes much sense for you in the long run.... it is so darn hard to take that first step... I was on my knees.... but HAD to pull thru.... our relationship or the lack of it slowly killed me.... don’t let that happen to you. Do you have a support system? Fam? Friends? My whole fam. (What I have left of it) Sister and cousin are in Germany... here alone. We live in PA. where are you?

So it was hard. I do have close friends and reach out..... but I had to do it on my own..... you grow stronger thru it. I’m on an antidepressant and feel like it is slowly taking effect.....

I just wan5 to give you some courage,.. you seem a lot younger. I am 54 now and still decided I cannot stay stuck in an unhealthy situation. The girls will understand one day.... pls email. Whatever I can do to help I will!! ❤️ Talking is immensely helpful. I have weekly therapy sessions and talk w my close friends a lot. The only thing really that saves me.... xo

I am already there. This relationship is killing me. I keep going through phases of where I think it will work, to where I am heartbroken and think there is no way it will work, to feeling relieved because I know it is over. I just keep cycling through those 3 phases. Unfortunately I don't have a support system. I moved across country for my job and I have nobody here. I told my family but they aren't much of a support system. Honestly this website is the only support I feel I have. I am really thankful that I found it. Nobody that is around me knows. Me and my husband work in the same building and nobody at work even knows. I want to tell everyone to get it off my chest but I know he wouldn't handle that well. He doesn't want to tell anyone. I am in CA now. Thank you so much for your support!

You could maybe suggest a trial separation.... for 6 months, see how each of you feels... maybe that will work. Could you afford it?. If so, I think that’s a good idea... and you will probably find out for yourself that you do t need him..... good luck! Go try it. But do not stay stuck :( xo ❤️

I would be very interested in doing that and I think that would be a really healthy move for us. However, in our situation I don’t think we could practically do it. We couldn’t afford the house and an apartment.

I’ve suggested it before and he wasn’t for it. It might be time I just pull the trigger and find somewhere else to stay. Even if it’s only for a little while I think it would be a good start.

I think so too... it will free your mind. You will be able to get perspective and decide then... might be good for him too.... so be courageous! Don’t wait until your 54 :( love to u ❤️

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