A current situation has brought up long standing issues for me. I'd been working for a company for 10 years doing something unfulfilling. I liked the coworkers well enough while having no deeply intimate connections there or in the small town community. I took a job an hour away mostly to provide assistance to my aging parents. After a week I knew this was a mistake. The new company had way more issues than I desired to take on. I was told I could come back to the previous company on giving notice, so I quite the new job before asserting the expense of moving. I should have asked specifically what 'coming back' meant. By policy, I had to wait 6 months. Subsequently, I went from a stable job, to chaotic environment, to unemployed in the span of 10 days. A month later I am employed part time at a convenience store and will start as a general laborer through a temp service on Monday.
This background is to show the catalyst for my current state. I've been crying nearly daily for 3 weeks. Not because I lost work but because I have to go back. I've never had the courage to assert my beliefs in; well, life. I tell myself that what I think, believe, and value don't matter. I've spent my life being a coward and I hate myself for this weakness. I've married two women that I thought could kill my spirit and make it ok to be a shallow puppet.
Deep down I know I'm going through the motions of life waiting for my parents to pass on. When I try to think of any other point to life I come up blank. I've felt this way for most of my life, so don't see it changing and don't expect anyone to "fix" me.
I guess I needed to say something to get it out in hopes it could help someone else going through a similar experience. Know, you are not alone.
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Ummmmnotsure
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I saw a lot of myself in your words, particularly from the part about not asserting your beliefs on. This is how I lived my life from childhood up until a few years ago. Over 3 decades spent as a spectator to my own life. I have a long way to go, but I've started to change my attitude. Its not easy, in fact its the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I got tired of waiting for someone else to fix me, I guess. It took the death of a parent to open my eyes. I guess my point is that its never too late. Not going to preach to you, just maybe wanted you to know this doesn't have to be your fate. You deserve better, mate. Sending you peace and courage.
When it comes right down to it, you have to be upset enough with your current situation to take steps to fix it, because You have to do it.
Everybody else has their own stuff to fix, (yes even those who look so put together).
Each of us has his or her own worries, whether emotional, physical, job centred, Family centred.
Nobody else knows You, but you. This is why you will need to make the decision to change your own life. We can advise, but only You can walk your Path. If you are a churchgoer, maybe they can rally round for you.
Cheers, Midori
I just recommend this thought, ... will this experience really matter a million years from now. I try not to be so uptite when I think that. All we can do is try to be peaceful.
Of course, nothing anyone does will matter a million years from now. Even if we extinguish all life on Earth in 50 years it wouldn't matter. I appreciate the thought, but It doesn't negate my feelings.
I am helping care for my mom who is in later stages of Alzheimer’s and my dad is 84. Im homeschooling my kids which takes most of my time. I think what we do to help others makes a difference their lives which in turn gives back to us in knowing that.
hi, I have to care for my 82 yr old mom. It can get really deppresing. She has memory and eyesight problems. We all seem to have diabetes, too. I am here to chat, if you want we could start a caregiver support group.
Do you have anyone come to help you? A support group sounds good. My mom just had a doctor visit our home and my father is being stubborn about taking care of my mom the way the doc told us. I do my best but he is controlling and hard to deal with. But he does love my mom and it can’t be easy to watch your love disappearing more and more.
oh, it is hard being a family caregiver. In my past, I was employed as a home health aide helping other families with their end of life care. It just really hits home when its your sibling, or parent who is termally diagnosed.
I had social anxiety for years and a part of me felt like I had to hide and hold myself back. I was also very conflicted about going after what I wanted in life and had been shamed and punished for standing up for myself and showing any signs of being proud of myself. It took me years to realize that I had no self-esteem or self-worth and to start to address and work on improving it for myself.
Another big realization recently was that I always thought my main issues from childhood were do to having no real or emotional relationship with my stoic father but realized that all of this time I have been subconsciously seeking approval from my mother. I started learning about childhood attachment disorder and codependency. I never thought of myself as codependent but realized I was indirectly. My mother was very critical and shaming of me and it too me years to finally admit and realize what it was really like and how it impacted me and provided a big missing puzzle piece of my story for healing.
One of my favorite saying is from one of my therapists, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood".
I think you can be in a better place if you can see it with different lenses. People who are laid off more often end up in a better job. Maybe even their own company. Those temp jobs are a reminder of hard work. I’ve done it. They don’t take a lot of mental energy which you can leverage to research a different career. There are lots of assessments. I have used my library (librarians are heroes) and workforce center to help in my journey. These days libraries have a whole virtual segment for training and books etc. Last time it wasn’t a new career at all but a shift in job type. So I suggest not sitting around waiting for that job. It may or may not be there in 6 months anyway. Companies aren’t in the business of generosity. Find a library and start exploring. You will probably be surprised.
For mood take that time and start walking in parks. Practice breathing. Observe what you miss when you work. Honestly I think having time off from work to reflect (more than two weeks) is something we need every few years. I don’t think it is a coincidence that there were so many resignations after all those lockdowns. Take advantage of it.
Ohhh, I took advantage of the time. I'm an avid walker anyway, so spending time walking my dog, going to a park, or getting out into nature was a daily thing for a month. Eventually I know I'll have to go back to, something? I've taken mounds of those career assessments. I'm an INFP in Briggs-Meyers. And, that description seems pretty accurate. Though, I'm not sure how to take that information anywhere productive? My social network and skillsets are so far from any suggestions I've seen for the personality type. And, my financial situation and emotional state make reschooling seem like a bad investment at this juncture of my life.
I appreciate your input and will attempt to make good use of your words. I wish you well.
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Feeling Like A Failure
Feel like slitting my wrists
feeling abandoned and like an outsider in my family
Every 'No' feels like an insult or betrayal to me
