I had a decent weekend. Friday was a rocky start to it, emotional and not in a good headspace. On my way to work Saturday morning I talked to someone on the suicide hotline. I just needed to clear my head of what I was thinking and needed someone to reason with me to stay here. I needed to know that I should see Sunday, and Monday, and my 20th birthday and so on. It was so helpful to talk to someone on that hotline. They were just as helpful and kind as all of you. It was just nice to have that voice heard..it helped me a lot.
Today I have been a little indifferent, I guess. Not feeling happy, nor sad. Kind of that numbness I’ve been going through these past days. I think it’s because I know I’ve got to try harder to heal and better myself but I’m holding myself back.
I know the things I need to do or add into my day, etc. but it seems I’m too hesitant or nervous to take the step. I feel stupid to try them. Like affirmations, telling myself I’m worthy of life, that I have value that I’m beautiful. All of that. It feels wrong to say them or think them, and I know it’s because that’s how I’ve thought since I was a child, that’s how the trauma shaped my mindset. But I can’t get through that feeling of it feeling sickening and wrong for me to feel good and happy.
I don’t know how to combat that. I don’t know what to really do to get over that stupid mind game I’m creating.