Reconnecting with a childhood friend

[path_to_nowhere]

Growing up, I never had people to look up to, given that my parents were(and still are) emotionally unavailable, which is why I think i got extremely attached to this one friend as a child. We're still friends and she's a great person, but I think I've always let her have a good amount of power over me(letting her dictate what i wear, what i do etc). And if i didn't do what she wanted, she would tell me i was being a spoilsport. Of course, back then, I was child and i didn't know how to stand up for myself. She's the critical voice in my head, that tells me I'm embarassing or I'm just going to fuck it up. But now, after school and college, we've drifted apart. I still try to meet her atleast once or twice a year, but it's always me taking the initiative. And now that I know what happened wasn't very good, i think there's some deep seated resentment towards her. She's a great person, she's always stuck around. Like I didn't have any friends in school except her. I can't tell if she is at fault, or if it's my fault or if it's all in my head. I don't want to cut her off.

[Hidden]

Hi,

As you have grown up and met different people and have different experiences, you're able to compare those personality types with your childhood friend and you have come to the conclusion that she was controlling and critical. Because she was your only friend you were grateful for the attention and so put up with her toxicity. I know because I was both narcissist and doormat. She's narcissistic. With age and wisdom you've come to that conclusion otherwise you wouldn't be resentful towards her.

It's not your fault that you were so introverted, lacking confidence and self esteem . Your friend took advantage of that. It's called people pleasing, always saying yes to make them like us because of our deep insecurities. When I become more assertive, I started saying no if I didn't want or couldn't do something, a "normal" person would just say, "ok" , and leave it at that. A controlling one would start guilt tripping me, putting me down and criticising me. Just remember, "it is my right and reasonable for me to say no without being made to feel small. I don't have to give an explanation if i don't want to."

Good friends are people who lift you and build you up. People who you feel safe around and comfortable with. Who don't expect anything from you but respect and a non judgemental attitude.

You don't have to cut your friend off, you have to learn to be more assertive. The most assertive you are, the more her behaviour will change towards you. Are you more assertive now? Do you have more friends now you're older?

[path_to_nowhere in reply to Hidden]

This makes so much sense! I really need to be more assertive and establish firm boundaries. Thank you for this!

[Ladybug9]

Communicate! That is my #1 advice to anyone struggling with what you are struggling with! And after you have that talk, it's time to set boundaries. We all need to have them with people or we can easily be walked all over.

[path_to_nowhere in reply to Ladybug9]

Definitely! I am trying to be more vocal about my needs and boundaries. Baby steps!

[Ladybug9 in reply to path_to_nowhere]

Good for you! Keep it up!