Many of you know my story: 20 meds over 30 years of depression, hospitalized, ECT, TMS, ketamine, suicidal, behavioral Therapy twice/week, psychiatrist once/week.
I was on lexapro for around 13 years but couldn't stand the emotional blunting or "flattening" anymore. No joy in anything. I had a baseline, a safety net protecting me from too much emotional pain and suicidal thoughts. But I was just existing, it wasn't a life. There had to be more,something else out there. And as a side effect, I always felt paralyzed, like I didn't want to/couldn't do anything. Like there was a wall in front of me or I was in quicksand I couldn't overcome either. Pure inertia. The emotional pain is unbearable. I was on 20mg.
I left lexapro last spring in hope of a life. My doctors couldn't stabalise me and I've had Unbearable emotional pain and suicidal for over a year. I even wound up in the hospital from Oct 21 to Dec 22.
I began to wish I never left lexapro even with all its drawbacks. Now, im back on it only on 10 mg bc I can't raise it. tried 15 and I became 1000 times worse. Has this ever happened to anybody or heard of it happening. I dropped back to 10 and lost any progress that i thought it was working. It feels like I'm starting from scratch. I added lithium but don't know if my kidney can handle it. I have to go to 20mg or it's pointless. I know from experience 10mg is not enough. But the old paralysis/inertia is back and worse than before. I've only been on it 4 weeks and I know it's slow and give it a chance to work. But I'm still really suicidal and the pain from the paralysis is immense. I just can't take it. And we all know how waiting for something to work while we're suffering so much is just agonizing.
I'm frustrated, angry, scared and I just don't want to be here anymore. My marriage is in shambles bc I can't be an equal partner bc of this. But I have a 12 year old son I can't leave. It would ruin his life.
I don't understand why I can't raise it (please let me know if anyone has any experience with this, it didn't happen the first time or any other med). I'm at my wits end,I can't function and only my son is keeping me here. He's at sleep away camp and I couldn't even get it together to write him a letter. I feel so ashamed and useless.
thank you if letting me rant and ramble on,but reaching out means I'm still here and trying. I just don't know what to do anymore even with all my DBT training. I'm beyond stuck. I know you can't medicate everything away and I'm not trying to, but I need to be stable. Right now I'm not.
I hope everyone else is OK and dealing. If anyone can relate and would like to talk more please feel free to PM me
thanks again
josh
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Joshgw
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I’m here for you. Don’t give up hope, it’s darkest just before the dawn. You’re welcome to send me a pm if you like. Have faith that things can and will get better.
Josh. I’m the same as you. Nothing is helping me either. I can’t give up….so besides still taking my meds…I’m seeing a naturopath who most of her patients have treatment resistant depression etc. she put me on a particular homeopathic remedy for my nonstop intrusive thoughts and depression. Research it a little…..It make sense. Before I read about it. I thought it was whack. I’m on day 2 and I feel 5 % more in control. I’m really hoping this will work. If it’s the right remedy for me it will start to work within a month. Just FYI. Lol. I’d probably eat 💩 if someone told me it would help. I’m in NY if you remember. I’m here to message and talk with also I truly believe that there is a solution to every problem . Drs don’t always know. Research. Educate.
Thanks for you're note. I'll look into it. I agree with you. I'd eat shit if I thought it worked too. PM me if you if you'd like to talk more. So what actually is the remedy? Which part of NY are you in. I'm in Brooklyn.
I’m in Westchester. I’m just starting with homeopathy. You need to find a good homeopathic practitioner. Everyone’s remedy will be different and fine tuned to their specific problems. Start reading the short book..”Homeopathy:Start Here. by AnnJerome( onAmazon)What I like about it is that you can stay on your current meds and doesn’t interfere.
Just wanted to mention that I grew up in Brooklyn; also to Breatheart -- I then lived in Westchester for many years. I feel for both of you and have some very similar problems. Finding answers is very difficult. xx
I'm not a religious person. And right now I don't enjoy anything. I can't focus or get out of my own head. I do come on here to try and help others then
Just keep trying. You’ll get better than this. If that’s a med that helps it should work again. I’ve been through the agony of waiting for meds to work or suffering horrible side effects in the hope of getting better. I’m sure you’ve been on all the types of antidepressants, but wondering if you might want to try something you haven’t been on before? I’ve found that an antidepressant stops working sometimes so I switch. Haven’t been on 20, but several. I’m now on Effexor (SNRI). Switched from Celexa which was good for a long time but Effexor had worked years ago so I asked for that last summer. It really pulled me out of it. Just a thought. I feel you. Hang in there and keep at it. 💙
I've been this way for over a year, and even for 20 years before that I was suffering, but maybe not as bad. But it's also contributing to the breaking up of my marriage, which i cant have. The thought of losing her is devastating and would probably push me over the edge.
I do remember what it was like to be me w/o being depressed. But, I am in agony, and I just can't take it anymore. I have to keep trying bc I have a 12 yr old, Stefen. It would ruin his life. It's the only thing that keeps me going, but it makes it that much harder to stick around. I couldn't imagine life without him but ive also had enough. The inner conflict worries me. I don't know which will win out.
I've been on effexor a long time ago and it made me so angry I threw shit around the house and my head buzzed like bees. I've been on everything from ssri's (the only one I haven't taken is Prozac) to effexor to seroquel and Zyprexa, Mirtazipine and wellbutrin. I'm running out of things to take. I asked to go back to lexapro bc that was the last time I was stable before the hospital. I'm convinced that going off of it is what put me there. But I couldn't take the emotional blunting and inertia anymore and just existing without having a real life. But it's effecting me different now and that worries/scares me. I was really hoping I'd bounce back. I'm not. Feel feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. Thank you for your help.
So sorry you’re suffering so badly. I know sometimes a cocktail of meds will work. You may have been that route. I have a friend who recently added (whatever the other SNRI is) to Wellbutrin which she was already on. It worked miracles for her. She hadn’t tried many things, but she did find something. Don’t know if you’ve supplemented with low dose lithium or lamictal, but I know they can help. I’m on lamictal as well. I do know how awful it is to feel that way and have a child. The worst year I had. Completely nonfunctional was when my son was a couple of years older than yours. That’s what kept me trying. Wondering if your wife is amenable to counseling with you? It is hard for someone who hasn’t been there to understand. I know how scary it is thinking this will never get better. I will say with me I couldn’t imagine I’d ever felt normal or let alone happy before. Knew it in my head, but still didn’t believe it. You may feel the same way. Like me you have a family to fight for. Don’t lose hope. I know easier said than done. Just don’t lose hope.
Hi. I have always been on cocktails. Now i am on Lamictal, 400mg, but ive been so suicidal I don't know if it's doing anything. I was on both Lamictal and lithium the first time I was on lexapro and the combo kept me stable lithium was probably the best thing I've been on, but I was on it for so long (8-10 yrs) that I'm worried my kidney can't handle it. I restarted lithium Tuesday, so well see what happens with my next blood test. My wife and I are in counseling so we'll see. My son is the only thing keeping me going. I have to have hope bc I can't keep living like this and I can't ruin my son's life. Thank you for your words of encouragement. This has been the worse year of my life too.
I hope you're doing better. I've been on lexapro this go around for only 4 1/2 weeks so far (13 yrs the 1st time) and it hasn't kicked in yet. Or maybe a little.
Josh,I'd been treatment resistant for 4 and a half years. It is a motherfxxxxr of a life. I had about 20 meds during that time.. I added lexapro to my cocktail and now doing better, though life remains a struggle. You should still be responsive to Lexapro. Did your other meds change? Maybe lithium is interfering.
I too am continuing to experience no desire or initiative, but I'm faking it until I make it. Its early recovery.
I tried modafinil, which is a sleep apnea med,thats used off label for depression. It worked for me, however I had to go off due to side effects. Look it up, its helping a lot of tr folks.
Meantime, bless you for all you're going through. Its impossible for others to understand unless you've been there. You obviously have a strong survival instinct which Is the most important thing.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Lexapro should help, but it's effecting me different now than it did the first time. And I was also on lithium then too, the combination worked well and lithium was probably the best thing I've ever been on. I've also been on modafinil too, but it's really expensive and when my insurance changed they would cover only half the dose I was prescribed. I don't remember why else I went off of it but I think the hospital did it. They took me off of everything I was on and never tried to medicate me (did ECT) and never put anything back.
You're right, no one understands unless you've been there, but my wife thinks she does. This is a huge problem in my house and breaking up my marriage. My only survival instinct is my 12 yr old son, but thank you for saying so. I can't ruin his life. But it creates a conflict in me that seems inescapable. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how not to. I get a LOT of therapy, learning DBT skills but having trouble applying them.
Glad to hear you're feeling at least a little better and continue even further. Feel free to PM me to talk more
Hi. I can relate to the inertia/paralysis you mention. People think I'm lazy... But I sometimes find I cannot overcome it. I stay in bed, don't shower for 3 days, quit brushing my teeth, etc. From your post, it sounds like you've tried almost everything. Keep up the fight and know that things will change in time.
Thanks for sharing. I've been like this for so long how long do I have to wait. I can't take this pain anymore. How does one keep going? My doctor won't raise my lithium past 450. Which does nothing. I need at least 600 (I was on it before). I can't leave my son but the pain is unbearable
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