Cant live like this anymore. Help!!

[Joshgw]

Sorry if this redundant

I cant deal with this anymore. So much pain, suicidal ideation, crying, anxiety, emotional paralysis/inertia. I just want to be me. Instead im this ball of depression i cant get out of. I want to br normal, i want to be my old self, but im not. Im a shell of that person. Empty, no interests, just sad, depressed and anxious.

Everytime i think of suicide, i look at the pictures of my 12 year old son on the wall of my cubicle at work and it brings tears to my eyes. I cant leave him, it will ruin his life. Plus, i want to be his dad and watch him grow up. And i cant leave my wife, the love of my life

But im dying here. I just cant take it. Its too much. I cant do it. Its too hard. I cant do anything. My parents are coming this weekend to file medical claims for my doctors bills. I dont even know where they are and cant be bothered to find them. I just cant do it.

I can't get anything done at work. I can't even talk to people. I can't live like this. I'm not me, I'm empty, have no interests, I just sit around and stare at walls. Sometimes I think I do want to die, it's the only way out. I don't think I'm ever going to get better. I don't know how to. I see my therapist twice/wk and we do DBT but it's just not sinking in. And I see my psychiatrist once/wk on top of that. I want to get better, i really do, but i can't find the strength or energy to do it. Im just stuck in this void, this no mans land.

I need help!! Nothing is working. I just started Cymbalta, but im cross tapering coming off lexapro so im on both drugs at the same time. Its only been a week and i really really hope it works, but its another 2-3 weeks im on a therapeutic dose without lexapro, the waiting is agonizing. My whole situation is agonizing. I dont know what to do and how to get out from under this.

[southernbelle87]

All I can say is you’re not alone in this feeling. Sometimes I feel like just quitting is the answer but I’m just to chicken to pull the plug. You’re right to think of your son when you have these thoughts. I sometimes think of my two nieces as it has become the tie to my life. I’m bipolar so having natural children is officially off the table. If you don’t stay in the land of this living for yourself I hope you find the strength to do it for your wife and son. I hope it helps to know that someone gets it. Love and light. 💚💫

[Joshgw in reply to southernbelle87]

Im unipolar. If it wasnt for my son, i might not be here. Im in so much pain it unbearable. I just cant do this anymore. Im in a hole i cant seem to dig myself out of. Im not myself. I cant talk to people, access any of my interests. Im so sad im feel like im wasting my life away. I love my son so much and we're so close, a i cant bear to not be around, be his dad and watch him grow up. But i just cant do this, its too much. Its tortuous

[southernbelle87 in reply to Joshgw]

Your son probably thinks more highly of you than you do yourself. I completely commiserate when it comes to your depression. I’m also dealing with it most days too.

[Joshgw in reply to southernbelle87]

You're probably right. You're definitely right. Why am i like this? Ive had it. I want to be normal already. I dont want to die. I dont only want to live bc of my son. I want to live. I want To just be me and live. But why cant i be me.

[southernbelle87 in reply to Joshgw]

I won’t lie it’s freaking hard. I’ve had some crazy thoughts in just a 24 hour period. You can always talk to me here. I will listen. 💚

[DayByDayByeDay]

Hi Josh

You have to try and stay strong and believe it will get better even though you probably want to jump off a bridge right now.

Ask your doctor to put you on 450mg of Wellbutrin to compliment your cymbalta. Changed my life.

Thx

[Joshgw in reply to DayByDayByeDay]

Ive been this way for a year and a half. I know i have to believe that there's something out there to help me get better. But what to do in the meantime? Im still tapering the Cymbalta and i have two more weeks until the lexapro is out of my system, and who knows how many more weeks until the Cymbalta adjusts on its own. Torture

[Hidden]

Hello again. How’s your day going today? Do you feel any better at all?

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Hi there. Thanks for your note. I want nothing more than to be happy and healthy and normal. I want my life back. I want my personality back, i want what makes me, me. I want that more than anything ive ever Wanted in my life. But its so hard to get there. Ive been learning DBT for 8 months now. Something isn't working

No, i don't feel better. Maybe ill call you later?

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

It would probably be better to talk tomorrow. I might be going out this evening. How was your job today? DBT is very intense, and not all of the skills work for everyone. I was in it for a year. I would stay with it unless your therapist thinks you’re done.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

I saw my psychiatrist today (and i do TMS). I went to work instead of going home which is actually a big deal. But i did nothing at work. I have this emotional paralysis/inertia which just blocks me from doing anything. And my anxiety goes sky high

DBT is impossible.

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

Well at least it’s Friday. You can try to relax this evening. Maybe watch Jimmy Fallon or something.

[Isinatra in reply to Hidden]

Isn’t he retiring? Never mind. It’s Jimmy Kimmel that is thinking of retiring. Laughter is great medicine.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Ill try, but the day doesn't usually matter. Why am i such a mess? I'm ready to stop now please. I'd like to be a regular person now, myself

[DayByDayByeDay]

You have to tell your doctor that you can barely make it through the day and insist that you need something that can help even just a little bit right away until the Cymbalta kicks in.

My doc gave me Clonazepam temporarily. It helped a lot with the sadness and crying and desperation and all the negative thoughts.

Point is, tell your doctor you’re really suffering and can’t wait weeks until you see some results. You need some kind of relief right the phunk now!

[Joshgw in reply to DayByDayByeDay]

Im already on klonopin and it doesn't really help. Ive been like this for a year and a half. He knows my situation. ³

[southernbelle87 in reply to Joshgw]

Have you thought about seeing a different doc or do you like the one you have?