The more i try to not fail him with my whatever clingy traits it is, I have failed him. I don't know if there is anything that stands worthy in this relationship without respect. I know he doesn't respect me and I have my mental notes as usual. It is not that I don't trust him, it is just I don't know, I am always looking for the worst thing posssible. I am not comparing him with any of my bad pasts, but it just comes along. That fear. I don't know how do I get it through.
He asked me to build my self respect first. To make myself worthy of loving myself before loving him, to become emotionally independent. I had to beg him to stay. But nothing happened, other than me losing myself, in front of him again. I lost this game. Maybe I am good by myself. I am good without someone else. It puts me in a lot of pressure. He even told me, its because of my doubtfulness over the person in my relationship that I have majorly failed in all of them. I have not just being told that I am the worst person in the world, but also used statement s that I never thought he would put in, because I know I have said them all with the belief that I can trust him. But no, he used all pf it against me.
No I am not a person who can jump from one relationship to another. I am just dependent on people. I have been trying to change that but nothing happens. I get clingy and way more comfortable with the people I love. I fucking give my everything into it. I am done with that.
And tomorrow hes leaving. I am going to be alone here. Maybe I will get some time with myself more and will learn things. I don't know what am I now. Maybe I am the one who's toxic. All of these relationships thet I have been into became a failure, because of me. When someone actually blurts out the truth, it's going to be difficult for you to understand that but at the end of the day, that is the truth.
I have become just a freakin doll in front of him now. He told me, Maybe we are not meant to be. Wow. Just one fight and all of this comes out like nothing. I am not just hurt but I am beyond that. It's almost like, I am broke. The palpitations have come back.
I felt like it was all for nothing. I have crossed my boundaries. I knew that it is not okay to give something more than enough, away to someone just like that. I knew it. But yet, I did. Because that is how I am. I can't be like any of them who takes any relationship with anyone professionally or whatever. But I will try from today. To keep it professional, to keep it low key. Me being me is not at all acceptable. I am just a big time sucker..
The fact that, I cried and begged him to stay after all this makes me want to kill myself again, I proved it again that I don't have any self respect in me.