Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Ruined

[nuclearcats]

I made this account because I'm hoping to find more ways to channel my feelings and what I'm going through. I'm 18 years old and a freshman nursing student.

I'm having an especially hard time tonight... it's 4 am and I haven't even managed to fall asleep at all. There was a party tonight with all of my high school friends and my ex boyfriend of almost 2 years was there with his new girlfriend. He cheated on me back when we dated, but we've been broken up for over a year and a half now and I know I have to let go.

I tried to push him away when I broke up with him, because I felt that's what I needed to do if I respect myself. But I still love him. I've even had another relationship but I miss him so much, I fear that I am never going to have the same connection with anybody else. It's terrifying.

I've been extremely anxious all night just thinking about the party and not being there with everyone, scared that I'm losing my friends because I don't see them as much as I used to.. but he was with his new girlfriend, and I knew seeing them together would absolutely destroy me.

He messaged me about two weeks ago trying to talk me to into going to the party.. I was really doing kind of alright at that point, but after he started talking to me again I absolutely lost it. He wanted to catch up and apologize for treating me badly over the time we've been broken up. I accepted his apologies but then abruptly decided to block him on everything so that I wouldn't be reminded of him if he decided to post anything to social media.

I'm so tired of feeling so nervous about everything going on without me. I'm so tired of insomnia when all I want to do is go to bed so I don't have to think about this.

[lcolemanb]

Sweet girl, like you - I am up at 4 am. I suffer from PCOS and I’m dealing with that.

I found myself in a situation just like this one four years ago. I was 20 - he was 18. Bound to never work out.

He went to college far away while I finished school closer to home. I spent my nights wondering what/who he was with. We broke up - I was crushed. How could he? I was his only, I thought. I was wrong. I suggest reading milk and honey and a multitude of other books that will help you - I can send you a list.

The best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing. Do not give in. You are a nursing student and nursing stupid deserves trophies every day. He deserves his head in a toilet.

Stay awake if you need to. Think about it. Think about how precious you are and he did that to such a precious person and relationship.

You will think about it often - I am still dealing with this and he still contacts me. I ignore him. I do not think twice. And I feel good because I know I do not have to deal with my heartache.

I’m here if you wanna chat.

[nuclearcats in reply to lcolemanb]

My goodness you made me cry! Thank you so much for your kind words.. I really needed this and would totally love a list of books! I've already read milk and honey and even highlighted the parts I loved the most so I already know you have good taste. 😊

[lcolemanb in reply to nuclearcats]

Hope you are feeling better!

[Hidden]

Hey , dont worry we all been there , i used to obssess cry and want to call and text and blame my ex for everything , dont stop your life for him go and enjoy the party , if you and him are not meant for each other then you are meant for someone better and trust me the better person will come. I dated two assholes and got heart broken then i found my soul mate , everything happens for a reason. So go out enjoy your time you with your friends and dont regret anything and if you dont feel like it its ok . There are millions of parties coming up your way and you will go to them. Dont stress your self out for a man , some day a man will enter your life he will make sure you sleep well everynight

[nuclearcats in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️

[Janieliza]

Being a student is hard enough and I know more than you realise that medicine is hard going. Yes you can certainly channel thro here. Anytime of day and always someone around to speak to...its like mobile therapy!! I guarantee you will find comfort here because all of us will have experienced something you have and are doing presently. Let's start with studying. Do you set yourself breaks to focus on you only?. Do you limit yourself to how much you spend studying?. It's important you do this so you aren't over loaded. Next your ex. Oh honey what a horrible situ to find yourself in. I have an 18 year old son and he found himself in exactly the same situ only last week with the only girl he's ever loved(they met at primary...dated tho when 14,15,16,17) and only split up just after his 18th. He was distraught and ran all the way home. You know rationally that he and you can move on....i know you know this and there isn't alot I can say sweetheart to take the pain away. You did the right thing not going because if you suffer from anxiety anyway...the image of seeing them together would have gone round and round and round...i know that's happening anyway but it's happened, the parties over and even tho you were hurt...there isn't anything you can do that will change it. Try and move on...look at who YOU are. And I want you to really focus here. What are the positives in your life right now? Don't you go telling me there isn't any now!!. Ok I'll give you one...ok? You are a nursing student. Do you realise the amazing difference that makes?. This tells me you care about people. Why do I know that....bcas I'm very old lol..no seriously...you could have chosen anything and you didn't. You knew what you wanted to do. Blocking him...im with you on that one. Why would you even need to see it?. Saying that I looked at my ex husbands wedding pics to simply take the mickey out of them and yes it was very childish and immature but boy did I feel better. He has moved on....and so must you. It's not easy, it may even be one of the hardest things you ever do but it's part of this cruel world of anxiety. Move on...please try. You will find someone else but try and love yourself first. Loving oneself and being confident in who we are....its so important. And honey? You will get there. You will. What seems so desperate now, won't soon. You need to sleep. If you blink very quickly for 30 seconds(last resort btw) your eyes will get heavier. Or yawn....look I'm flipping doing it now just bcas I mentioned it lol. If all else fails....turn off your phone, jump into a comfy bed and do some breathing exercises just to calm you. Don't drink tea or coffee or soda(I presume you are from across the pond due to saying freshman, I'm in the United kingdom) have a warm glass of milk. If you still can't sleep. Get a pen and pad and write....no, don't use your phone....write and write and write how you are feeling down. Once you've got everything out of your head....you may find sleeping easier. Go and see someone if this gets worse. Don't suffer alone. You are never alone on here but out there....its a lonely dark place to be in our heads isn't it?. I hear you and I understand. Take care. Janie

[nuclearcats in reply to Janieliza]

Thank you so much Janie you are so sweet. ❤️

[Janieliza in reply to nuclearcats]

I speak only the truth....you are precious at 18....special cargo therefore deserved to be treat this way. Anyone does it again....wish them luck!. I once told a girl who took my now ex husband when we were dating to a ball (a lavish event with dinner jackets etc) and he called by my place first...i know I know...so I was the perfect polite ex girlfriend and waved to her then told my now ex husband she reminded me of my grandmas toilet roll cover...they used to have ladies with a massive knitted dress which went over the rolls. With that I told them to have a lovely time. I'm ashamed I did it now but I felt sooo much better and she knew very well we had only had a small argument....you will get the confidence lovely to go to many parties but YOU get to choose who with!!! Yes? Excellent xx