Hah! I failed again.

[Mishell11]

The more i try to not fail him with my whatever clingy traits it is, I have failed him. I don't know if there is anything that stands worthy in this relationship without respect. I know he doesn't respect me and I have my mental notes as usual. It is not that I don't trust him, it is just I don't know, I am always looking for the worst thing posssible. I am not comparing him with any of my bad pasts, but it just comes along. That fear. I don't know how do I get it through.

He asked me to build my self respect first. To make myself worthy of loving myself before loving him, to become emotionally independent. I had to beg him to stay. But nothing happened, other than me losing myself, in front of him again. I lost this game. Maybe I am good by myself. I am good without someone else. It puts me in a lot of pressure. He even told me, its because of my doubtfulness over the person in my relationship that I have majorly failed in all of them. I have not just being told that I am the worst person in the world, but also used statement s that I never thought he would put in, because I know I have said them all with the belief that I can trust him. But no, he used all pf it against me.

No I am not a person who can jump from one relationship to another. I am just dependent on people. I have been trying to change that but nothing happens. I get clingy and way more comfortable with the people I love. I fucking give my everything into it. I am done with that.

And tomorrow hes leaving. I am going to be alone here. Maybe I will get some time with myself more and will learn things. I don't know what am I now. Maybe I am the one who's toxic. All of these relationships thet I have been into became a failure, because of me. When someone actually blurts out the truth, it's going to be difficult for you to understand that but at the end of the day, that is the truth.

I have become just a freakin doll in front of him now. He told me, Maybe we are not meant to be. Wow. Just one fight and all of this comes out like nothing. I am not just hurt but I am beyond that. It's almost like, I am broke. The palpitations have come back.

I felt like it was all for nothing. I have crossed my boundaries. I knew that it is not okay to give something more than enough, away to someone just like that. I knew it. But yet, I did. Because that is how I am. I can't be like any of them who takes any relationship with anyone professionally or whatever. But I will try from today. To keep it professional, to keep it low key. Me being me is not at all acceptable. I am just a big time sucker..

The fact that, I cried and begged him to stay after all this makes me want to kill myself again, I proved it again that I don't have any self respect in me.

[Skjones]

I am sorry to hear that, I have been there and in some sence you do need to learn to love yourself but it doesn't mean it has to be a journey alone, take this opportunity to dive deep don't close yourself off but take heed and power though this you are stronger than you think, I still get the same way with my wife and I know it bothers her butshe helps build me up sometimes and calls me out on my OCD and anxiety driven thoughts but she encourages me to not rely on her and to work on my self. You will find someone but don't place your happiness in the hands of others it sounds like the guy didn't want to be there to uplift you when you hit a rough patch. If you need someone to talk to hit me up or anyone here this has been a good resource. But if your are feeling suicidal please please please seek help. Again this is just a bump along the road of life and you will get through

[Mishell11 in reply to Skjones]

Yeah, I have been hitting a lot of rough patches every time im in a relationship, but it keeps happening again, some way or the other I realize I still haven't built self respect or I don't know, maybe I just don't love myself enough as anybody does. I know its good to be into self love and all that, but I have always seen people becoming selfish in the name of self-love which I really don't seem to like personally. Because how much ever I get hurt, I still don't want to be in a relationship where I am selfish. I would rather be selfless. I know it has its own consequences as well, but I am just not being able to be selfish.

[Skjones in reply to Mishell11]

There is self love and loving or accepting yourself your flaws you gains ect its hard to do

[Louie35]

Whatever comes, i am wishing you well!!!! Dont get too upset at failing, everyone does!!!

[Mishell11 in reply to Louie35]

Thankyou.

[compasnet]

I don't believe it. imho you're a very special person and deserve to be treated like the special person you are.

[Mishell11 in reply to compasnet]

Aaw. That is so sweet of you. I just have to learn to get through this and make things happen. People often tell me to become a successful woman, you'd have to be a person who loves yourself and knows how to get your things done. If you start becoming very much sacrificial it can lead to disappointments. I dont know what is right. I am just confused.

[compasnet in reply to Mishell11]

It takes a big person, a NON - "sucker" just to be able to say you're confused.

[Hidden]

You seem like my female doppelgänger! If we hooked up we’d be like glue, ‘stuck on you’! I did notice some similar traits & conclusions. I too, thought I was better off alone. I’d rather be the cheater than the poor sap being true blue. Simplify it, I think, whoa, this is my life, I am going to live it the way I want.Plain & Simple. Thanks for the post

[Mishell11 in reply to Hidden]

Hehehee. Definitely, at the end of the day I believe if you love someone or something, give it your 100% . There are no rules here, but as we give away our 100% expectations rises which in turn leads to disappointments, which I guess I can't take it. Hence, I really need to keep myself on my own boundaries and make things work my way. But at the end of the day, I am happy giving my 100% to the person I love. And it was nice to meet you and I am not sure if we would be the same, because i still think I am a bit too sane to enjoy my life as much as you do.

[Hidden in reply to Mishell11]

You Understand Me Well. Peace ☮️ Love 💕 Rock n Roll!