Waking up panic

[Against_the_current]

I wake up and i don't know where i am. I just always panic right when i wake up. My existence hits me. I am really struggling about when to go home and i get Dreams of being at my home's bed or at Grandma's or at dad's, i wake up at my bed and try to ground and sence reality. I'm really struggling with when to go home. On 23rd July i need to be here. On 16th aug i have a birthday and on 20th my friend has a birthday and don't know where to be. I'm year 3 to year 4,final year and it's my last chance to appreciantice program but maybe is not, trying to figure out whether i can do it next year or i would be already out of the system. And when i graduate dad will stop sending me money to live here. At the same time i panic when mom even texts me. I had a nightmare of her drinking again. But i want to see my sister. I'm getting agoraphobic and struggling to buy food. Been ordering but it's expensive and my guts hurt from overindulging and spoiling myself (wich is contributing to my anxiety) and now am feeling too socially anxious to order and will probably have breakfast at 3pm or later. These damn nightmares. I feel really bad because i'm supposed to be living life here, nice city, away from family, all As, but recovery is slow. And If i'm struggling even here where everything (except roommates and loneliness) is perfect, imagine at home. All my progress might be gone. But i need to go to see everything is okay. I feel like mom needs to see me. And i worry about her. Also i need to see sis. And Bob. To make sure they're okay. I need to see they're okay. I need control. I need to make sure. I need reassurance. But desision is hard. (Someone is swearing in the next building). And thinking of getting here at 23rd, and trying to start working at 1st aug so i can finish by the end of september when we start year 4 and will probably have to be here. But this means being here all these months, espessially autumn where my SAD hits. Wondering whether to go now and stay here till next vacation or go on August and see If i can work next year. Or. Agh my head. And these damn nightmares. I just wake up and panic

[Hidden]

MsCasper. I have many of the same symptoms you have(there’s that underline again? Spooky) The wake up part really rang a bell. I’m here to help; just ‘ring’ me. Later

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. So it's not only me?

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Hell No, alotta us here

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

So how do we cope

[Hidden]

note to self- stress can just create nightmares per se and nightmare the nighmare living situation.....reminding myself chores and to do lists help me forget my feelings..while i want to listen to them as an ahlete and so on...right now my feelgs are betraying my everyday living....i need to make plans and get busy doing to help forget my sit5ua5ion and being active empowers me...pushing back and reminding what i can do.....not in the passive pwerless seat...bak inthe driver seat....oh brig...what are we goint to do today.......takes some time to wake up shake off the cobwebbs but thirty min,...do my stretching exercises....ready to go in an hour....lets do it...music helps me too...ok find some and lets fire it up......i need to be active...speaking only for Brig.......speaking only for brig....ignore anyitnt that doesnt work....hmm master plans time too...ok good 5ime t5o work on5hat.....goals...short med long.....

green lights on.....cleared to go.....

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, you're right. I'm just doing nothing but stressing. Being so passive and only thinking about stress. Probably need to do something and to find a way to calm

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

i dont.....want.....to be right...i dont like it when some outsider comes over and start lecturing me....about x yz ...

however.....realllllly goood friends or nirghbors can see me struggling (fine- nothing implied-) and say ya know Brig....maybe we should work not in the heat of the day but later when its cooler....or .....im preparing for x y z and im stressed (as i should be) and ....yo man.........hows it going? oh man ...if u only knew......well hey man......lets go sharpen some pencils or go find some music or or.......dang.....

stresss is a normal reaction of all people to challneges

stress can be positive....except to a point

and it can affect my sleep and anan cloud my thinking compounded by sleep deprivation and feeling lousy andna annd

what need is a buddy somehow.... hey man....finals week huh?? ooh 8 finals intwo days.....wow.......or hey man.....no food for five days.....ooh not so funn........what we going to doo????

ya ....thats appropriate stress ....normal response

but

buddies.....help us out..... hey man....got a comb and hum a song or whateer?? hey man......who dont...need a buddy when the sky is falling.........

that why the army .....always put people together...help cope....bududdy system

works.....

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

human beings... do better........not alone alone...not cut off....not with a sens of no resourdes...no connections.. no one to talk to....if people are lost in the wilderness....the first thing rhey do its get them connected and keep them talking.....instantly a sense of hope and connenctdioon......thats not*** a weakness...that humn natrue.....

that is NOT a weakness.........hey man.....hows it going....

what did ya think of the Yankees this year....oh i hate the Yankees...Red Sox man.....oh ya...they aint bad man....

they help ....each other ....cope.......and lowers

normal....response......to stresss.........

normal.......response......to stress........

hey man......what kind of music ya like man...radios busted but we can make some up.....like that blue grass ?

hey man......who ......doesnt......need a friend esp

inn crunch time.....

the army in 5his area...knows exactly

what its doing.......

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

I see. But my stress levels are too much and pathologic. Nightmares every night and other sympthoms. And being completely cut off of all human connections

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

of course...but.....not ....ur.....fault.......anyone ...in ur situation

would feel

that way....

thats why this connection ....anyones life line.......is soo important

and why i want it to be perect fo r

so i dont accidently insult someone and lose anyones vital connection..

i would want someone to talk to if i wer in ur shoes...

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Absolutely. I just need someone to talk to. And appreciate sooo much trying to not insult anyone. Espessially with my trauma i get offened and triggered by everything and ppl get mad at me for this, while i'm just fragile. Appreciate so much being so thoughtful

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

i had very ** abusive coaches growing up......took long long time to learn...what set me off

tone

intent.

someone says x to me ...fine....somehow i know he she is trying just to save me some pain and not implyig or disapinted in me or t5hks less...jsut humn nature to say...hey did u ah....check th bridge? well helps to know hes a long time friend know where hes coming from

others- wrong message wrong tone condescending et peraoanli5ty clashes whatever...

m nooo dif... i work with people i trust and not condescnding

makes a dif least for me

some have armor plating i dont...

words can def hurt..........really can as can tone...

how to convey our support respectful support..not pity not

but

holy darnation ...man ur isn a tough tough tough not fun situation...like to fly in the marines if i could

woshingt i could sooo wishing i could...

we are in ur corner., we all support one ano5ther

that is respect* not implying anyt5hint neg

i really ***** can bear hurting people in general..,,,esp in t5ime o need....(dont mind standintg in harms wway)

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

I understand. And yeah respect is the best thing a person can give others. With my traumas, i'm really really sensetive and i really appreciate thoughtful respectful people

[Hidden]

Every morning, startled & anxious, wishing I was still asleep, but, no way. Get up & do my regimen routine. Toilet. Make Coffee ( Big);TV news, check phone,tablet, take meds. About this time I’m OK. Hope that helps ya Casper

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, i think that after i do some routine maybe it gets better, too bad i don't have much of a routine, don't even drink coffee because of anxiety and it would be nice grounding

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Have a glass of grape juice, smash the glass in the fireplace & say ‘ Come On World, what you got today!’

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Hah, nice, but i don't have a fireplace and my roommate won't be happy about me smashing the glasses 😂

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Simulate

[lola568]

Sending love. Sending hugs.

[Against_the_current in reply to lola568]

Thanks, sending love and hugs too

[Hidden]

How about a hug for poor old Joe?

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Sending hugs

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Just 1 Big Firm Hug to You