My present full of scars and fear yet no one to blame but myself for listening to what my loved ones speak with no filter to protect my mind

[FantasyLife]

My mom and dad ,my bro gang up on me to clear their stress, anger or frustrations by always scolding us harshly(only sometimes out of concern maybe), it went to the point where i kind of started thinking of my home has a war zone and i have to run for survival , coz there my every moment was full of their judgment and sarcasm, then i started getting panic attacks and i didnt feel safe in home anymore and its corona time all i could do was close the door to calm myself but again get blamed for that too, i love my parents and i trust them more than myself , maybe that was my mistake and this happened for over 1year and that was before a year ago and this has changed me in a bad way, i lost my confidence,empathy,self esteem and my heart is full of insecurities and i am stuck there, cannot forget or move on or love or trust my parents coz of fear of losing myself or getting hurt i cannot even hug or greet my mom and dad in fear of them messing my thoughts , i run away from them and i hate myself that i have become a coward and this happens in almost everything i cannot start working on my goal and if i force myself i can for an hour and thats it, whole day is wasted. i am in the hands of fear, i don't know how to get out, sometimes it feels like I am good and I can go on with my life but then the next day or next moment it feels like I am back to square one with even more wounds.

Sometimes i feel like i am being delusional and playing a victim mindset but still even though know i know better to not care for their words i can't seem to forgive them and my heart seems to be stuck in feelings of the past me before panics and during panics and with full of regret that how dumb i can be to waste 2 years bcoz i couldn't shut these voices and feel weak. even though my mind is fighting to move on i can't seem to take a step or a decision or let loose of my own cage i have been staying in.

i don't know y i wrote this maybe its venting or i just know something is wrong with me or my thinking, i need help but it feels like i am being needy or weak or twisted, or is my mind that idle to let these thoughts in i don't know, but i feel like i don't deserve help when i filled myself with regrets and fear and guilt.