Any tips for my parents?

Simply put, my parents' marriage is insane and I want to help them. My mom. Basically suffered her whole life because my dad's family looks down on her, and my dad had/has another family. I can feel my mom breaking sometimes and I don't know how to help her. Sometimes I feel like the things I say are wrong and Im scared she'll never experience joy. Any tips?

[Orangeblossom85]

When I was at group therapy, magical words had been said by our therapist.

She said:

Helping yourself, changing your own, changing your reactions and managing your emotions ::: change all the people around you.

For me the emergency rule number one is: first help yourself, then look to help others. It’s very very probable that when you solve everything that scares you or is problematic in any way, your mum will change for better too. You can be at least an evidence for her that taking things in your hands can help tremendously.

I advice you to start looking for therapy and support.

Excellent book about schema therapy would be a good try for the first minute. Have a look online: Jeffrey young, reinventing your life. Awesome!!

[Hidden in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Wow, you're right. I means, its definitely easier said than done, but you're right. Its just hard to see parents in pain, you know? It just adds to the anxiety.

Thanks!

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Hidden]

Everything is so easy when said!!!! But trying makes us heroes. Try too. Downloading the book, can be great start.

[Hidden in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Thank you so much!

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Hidden]

🙂🙂🙂🙂

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Hidden]

Marie, did you try the book?

[Hidden in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Hi! I had a hard time finding a copy but I now found a sample version online and holy moly it just hits me. Thanks for the recommendation. Anyone on here can really use a book like that 🙂

[SoberDrunk1]

You and you Mom could go to Al-anon fellowship. Its for friends and family of drunks and addicts. I believe you dont have to identify that you as anything, you could see how they use the 12 steps to tap into the inner resource and lead a peaceful life. It doesn't cost much, just a buck or two each meeting, is all you need to contribute and time.

[Hidden in reply to SoberDrunk1]

That sounds good. I hope I can convince her 👍

[Skydreamer42]

Marie, In my own life, at a young age, I was placed at a junction of responsibility to resolve my parents's marital issues. I feel compelled to warn that if you make yourself, or are forced to feel responsible for another's happiness, it's likely to degrade your own, and drain your resources. I understand that my experience might not apply to you, but I hope that you consider my caution. Self esteem is a personal journey, and on those occasions when you rely too much on others for your personal identity, brokenness may well ensue.

[Hidden]

I get it, really. Honestly I do feel really drained. I used to want to "solve" their issues, but now I jist want to remove just a bit of their pain even in small ways. Sometimes it just feels like my mom's pain and my dad's guilt is just too much.

[fauxartist]

Just know that you are the love in her life....and for some, that's the best they have. I know you love her obviously, and wish you could help her....but the best you can do for here is to love her unconditionally in return...as she has always had conditions put on her by her in-laws...be the one thing in her life that accepts her without conditions.

[Hidden]

That's very true. I'm sure she knows how much I love her. I suppose I just need to let her know that I'm with her no matter what.

[terriltwin2]

I am sorry you and your mom has to go through this. I can tell you love her very much and that you are a great and exceptional daughter to her. Have you thought about speaking with your mom about a women's church group? Even a support group? Where she can just be herself and talk about all of this. Your mom is hurting and so are you. Have you tried a counselor for you both? Sometimes when we support someone in their hurting process, it may just be sitting with them or doing something with them and forgetting about what is going on around you and doing something you both enjoy. The greatest support you can give her is what you are doing. Just show her and reassure her of your love for her. Sometimes the resolution is just in the love and spending time with our parents. We don't have to have answers. Just LOVE. You are doing a good job. Just support her by being there and loving her.

[Hidden in reply to terriltwin2]

I've actually thought about both the counseling and the church group, but my mom isn't really one to talk about her feelings. Sometimes I just ask her what she wants to do and we'll do it and that's when she'll open up. It's just hard not being able to ease her pain, you know? I just keep hoping that maybe me being there to listen helps.

[terriltwin2 in reply to Hidden]

You are doing an incredible job. I am proud of you. Your heart is bigger than your body. I know that my daughter loves me, she is 31 years old and when I am going through rough times, it just helps for her to be there and for us to hang out. Keep supporting your parents and showing your love, things will get better.

[Hidden]

That's good to know that our presence as children helps. Sometimes it can leave us feeling helpless when we cant help our parents as much as they have been helping us our entire lives, but it's really nice to know that just being there really helps.

Im so glad that you have a lovely daughter to help you through tough times.

[dogginess]

Your mom needs outside help. She will need to want help, find decent help

and it would be a good idea for her to get to a peer support group. I'm in the group called DBSA. ( She also will need to want to get better).

Depression Bipolar Alliance. I also suffer from anxiety. There are 2,000 DBSA groups in the US. I found my group through NAMI . There are also online DBSA gruops. It's a no pressure, no cost group with very sensitive, honest people. I've tried everything. At age 66, having on-off severe depression, anxiety etc, since I was a teenager many, many years of psychotherapy and medication, DBSA is a GREAT start and resourse beleive you me (!)