New here, and desperate

[ComingUpRoses]

So, I'm going on out a limb here posting this tonight. All of my instinct tells me not to post anything for the usual fears. I've been keeping all of my depression and anxiety to myself for so many god awful years, I can't talk to anyone in my life. Everyone knows I'm not ok, but if I open my mouth to talk, nothing comes out. Anymore it feels like I physically cannot do it. Every day is such a struggle to get through between depression and anxiety. I am anxious every second I am awake. Every day I struggle to make basic decisions (e.g. dinner) and panic over every one. I struggle to focus on anything I need to do. I've even lost dramatic interest in things I used to love.

I know, it's just the usual symptoms of depression. I tell myself it doesn't make me a special snowflake. I feel so much guilt sitting here typing this dumping this crap on the internet. But I sit here in such extreme pain. And it looks like my relationship of 2 years is ending due to my inability to move forward with him. I'm tired of apologizing and not feeling good enough. I'm tired of feeling so much guilt over every little thing. I'm tired of not caring about myself to move forward with anything. I'm sorry for dumping this post on everyone. I want help but I'm too terrified to pick up the phone and reach out. I feel so stuck and lost. I honestly don't even know who I am anymore, and it all scares me.

I guess I was just desperate for someone, anyone, to listen tonight. I hope others are fairing better.

[its_Gi_again]

You are amazing. You are strong. You are brave. The fact that you even got on here, typed those words, got out of your comfort zone, and sought out any kind of support says so much already about how much you want to get better. This is a huge step, even if it doesn't seem like it, so definitely give yourself a pat on the back for it. You're not "dumping" your stuff, as I like to call it, on anyone. You're simply finding a new place to communicate, a new way to cope, and that's seriously such a big deal. For someone who knows how you feel, who has been there and ended up getting worst before getting better, I wish I had been as strong as you. I'm also pretty new here, but welcome and continue to post whatever and whenever. The way I see this is that it gives me a place to do that and just the feeling that at least someone out there is listening or is present. Mostly when I feel like I think I've exhausted my physical resources, such as my friends or family. Anxiety likes to make me believe they're all going to leave me because of my issues; but that's why this is so great because now you have a ton more people who are all here, can relate, can support you, and want nothing but the best for you. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and feeling, please don't hesitate to reach out to me by message and please continue to post and open up about your mental health- trust me when I say that it will help. And most importantly, take as much time as you need but definitely celebrate these little victories because in our world, they're a big deal. You are awesome. Sincerely, your friend Gi.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to its_Gi_again]

Thank you for your kind words. Some days I can pull myself out of it enough to function at a basic level, but most days I cannot. It's 2 pm where I am and I just got out of bed. I know it will get a little better at some point, even if my relationship ends and I have to mourn it. I just keep crashing more and more frequently and it scares me (crashing where I stay in bed and it takes me days to get up and function). Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

[its_Gi_again in reply to ComingUpRoses]

I totally feel you. I was there just last week. Absolutely take as much time as you need to mourn it. I've been in relationships for the past four years and, as of this summer, this is the most I have gone single since then. I'm still mourning that fact and my last relationships. There's no timeline or expectations as to what you're supposed to feel for really anything. We all have different feelings. Let yourself crash for now, if that's what you need to do. Don't let your anxiety make you think you're a failure because of this, like mine does. Again, the fact that you acknowledge these things is something big.

[Shannon33]

You definitely are NOT dumping. It is actually comforting, in a strange way, to hear that someone else is going through the same exact struggles as me. Getting through each day with theses feelings of anxiety and depression is simply awful. It takes everything I have in me to even make it through each day. Does anyone else feel that way? Anyway, I appreciate your sharing and please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Shannon33]

I'm glad it helps comfort you knowing you're not alone as well. It really is an exhausting daily struggle. And it feels most everyone doesn't understand.

[Shannon33 in reply to ComingUpRoses]

That’s how I feel too. I don’t think anyone can quite get it unless they have experienced it themselves.

[Kimberleyb68 in reply to Shannon33]

Hi I'm new here but I have suffered with Major Depressive disorder and alll of the things that come with it since I was 16, I'm 49 now. I was out of work for 3 weeks in Feb. And just like you I stayed in bed, showering, brushing my hair, and most other things we optional. I really don't have many friends (it's amazing how relationships tend to go away when they find out that your sick) and if I hear one more person say "just snap out of it" I just will fall over. I also have a husband and three daughters they are 25, 21, and 20 I've been married for 27 years and they tend to forget that this happens so no support there, all I hear is " why can't you get up and go to work" or "Dad goes to work everyday" it's aweful. I am very proud of you for coming forward it's a HUGE step in the right direction. And you know what if you need to stay in bed, STAY just try not to wallow and be grateful for everything in your life you are here for a reason.

[bonkers65 in reply to Shannon33]

Getting through each day is hard. I have to force myself to do things.

[Justswimming]

Well you took first step and you want to feel better..look online for behavioral health near you or check with your health insurance. I know just talking to someone will make you feel much better. I hope you feel better day by day.

[Justswimming]

Try to stay positive and picture them taking out tumor and buying biotene its mouth wash and spray for dry mouth ..then picture holding that baby..you will fall in love when you hold the baby and be at peace ...I know it can be difficult to stay positive ..just practice you got this ..tumor will be gone and beautiful baby in your life.

[Crich1982]

I feel the exact same way. I don't have any interest in doing anything. I can't concentrate, I forget everything and all I want to do is sleep. It's the only way to stop my mind from whirling. Today is Halloween and my daughter is so excited about trick-or-treating and dressing up. But how do I tell her that mommy doesn't even want to get dressed today? If it were not for her, I don't know if I'd still be here. I am thankful for her and all the joy she brings. She's an awesome kid. I hate having her see me struggle like this. Maybe we can figure out this thing together.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Crich1982]

I've never really been a forgetful person, but I forget things all the time now and those around me don't seem to understand when I've told them that anxiety and depression are seriously messing with my concentration and memory. Sleep is my release as well. It's the only time my mind leaves me be, except when I wake up throughout the night. I know just how hard it is to do for others when you can't even do for yourself. Sometimes I have to do my best to get out of my own head and think from their side and do my damnedest. I understand your feelings.

[quieturban]

I'm 31 too. Saw your bio🤗. What you discussed about the guilt is just like me and a lot like my husband. He had guilt issues too but I'm more concerned about his drinking when stressed. He's is seeing a social worker and will try to work out his issues too. I do hope it helps. It's affecting our marriage too. I do hope your partner is able to understand and help you heal during this time because it does takes time to get better. It really is not easy. And no you are not dumping crap on the internet you are strong enough to get help in your own way and I am proud of you for that. Stay strong dear and message anytime you wanna talk.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to quieturban]

Thanks. I hope his drinking does not get worse. I used for a few years and then spent many years in recovery. Like anyone else, I tried to numb and bury the pain. It was great for awhile, but it only made things worse. I'm glad your husband is seeing someone to talk out his issues with. I hope it helps him.

Hang in there. It's a rough ride but we're all in it together right?

[quieturban in reply to ComingUpRoses]

Thanks and so true

[Tammy_1]

Hi this sounds like me I lost lots of interest after a certain life changing choice and my relationship ended. I no longer felt the interest to talk to any one not even family. To a point they've accepted me becoming more educated and my emotions are so numbing that I never really noticed that I'm not moving in any direction. I'm not well with relationships because I don't open up. I say explain yourself to your mate so he understands and can help. Medication which a lot of people including myself don't like but for you to see things different you may need to go on. How long is up to you. Do things alone sit outside and don't care how it looks to anyone. Also explain your feelings to your loved ones but sometimes it feels hopeless and it feels like you have to pretend because others in the family may be doing better. Hold onto those who love you family relationships may be stifling

[perickson0029]

Congratulations for posting and sharing. It will get better later. Hang in. You are not alone. There are millions of us out there sharing your painful challenges. You've made a bold step.

[butterfly2121]

Your post is so helpful to me. I feel like I have no one to talk to about my depression and anxiety and it has been especially bad the past couple of years. I am 47. My husband does not get it at all. Or he does get it but I think he just does not care anymore. I hate feeling like a burden. We have a daughter on the autism spectrum so we are both stressed out a lot. I just wish the depression and anxiety would go away. My self esteem plumes because of it. I am also at the point of not knowing what makes me happy any more. I just do my best each day to be there for my daughter but most days I just feel like it is a struggle to get through the day. I totally get what you are saying about making decisions. When my depression and anxiety are bad everything is so hard. I have to break the work I have to get done into small pieces. And I know I have to get better at self care. When my self care starts to go I know I am in trouble. I am going to try and attend a free depression support group in my area this week. I can't talk to my husband about it and I need to get out of this rut badly. I need to get out of the house one day a week I have been isolating myself horribly. Please know you are not alone. Hugs.

[Knowone]

It's 100% ok to reach out for help I think we are all here suffering from similar situations.. I've been depressed for years but have been supressing it, it took a huge traumatic event to actually set me into manic anxiety/panic you can read through my blog and see how it all started, and how I'm doing now... I find it very helpful to read through people's issues and see that i'm not alone... gives me an easier understanding of what's going on.. how people react to things, and it also allows me to sit here and share my experiences and hopefully help someone along the way. Something about posting online helped me open up. I'm not very social I've never been and god forbid I opened my mouth and asked anybody for help... but I was able to here and there are some realllly great people who are suffering as I am, and I can see that i'm not alone, and that we together will get through this.