New here, and desperate

So, I'm going on out a limb here posting this tonight. All of my instinct tells me not to post anything for the usual fears. I've been keeping all of my depression and anxiety to myself for so many god awful years, I can't talk to anyone in my life. Everyone knows I'm not ok, but if I open my mouth to talk, nothing comes out. Anymore it feels like I physically cannot do it. Every day is such a struggle to get through between depression and anxiety. I am anxious every second I am awake. Every day I struggle to make basic decisions (e.g. dinner) and panic over every one. I struggle to focus on anything I need to do. I've even lost dramatic interest in things I used to love.

I know, it's just the usual symptoms of depression. I tell myself it doesn't make me a special snowflake. I feel so much guilt sitting here typing this dumping this crap on the internet. But I sit here in such extreme pain. And it looks like my relationship of 2 years is ending due to my inability to move forward with him. I'm tired of apologizing and not feeling good enough. I'm tired of feeling so much guilt over every little thing. I'm tired of not caring about myself to move forward with anything. I'm sorry for dumping this post on everyone. I want help but I'm too terrified to pick up the phone and reach out. I feel so stuck and lost. I honestly don't even know who I am anymore, and it all scares me.

I guess I was just desperate for someone, anyone, to listen tonight. I hope others are fairing better.

14 Replies

  • You are amazing. You are strong. You are brave. The fact that you even got on here, typed those words, got out of your comfort zone, and sought out any kind of support says so much already about how much you want to get better. This is a huge step, even if it doesn't seem like it, so definitely give yourself a pat on the back for it. You're not "dumping" your stuff, as I like to call it, on anyone. You're simply finding a new place to communicate, a new way to cope, and that's seriously such a big deal. For someone who knows how you feel, who has been there and ended up getting worst before getting better, I wish I had been as strong as you. I'm also pretty new here, but welcome and continue to post whatever and whenever. The way I see this is that it gives me a place to do that and just the feeling that at least someone out there is listening or is present. Mostly when I feel like I think I've exhausted my physical resources, such as my friends or family. Anxiety likes to make me believe they're all going to leave me because of my issues; but that's why this is so great because now you have a ton more people who are all here, can relate, can support you, and want nothing but the best for you. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and feeling, please don't hesitate to reach out to me by message and please continue to post and open up about your mental health- trust me when I say that it will help. And most importantly, take as much time as you need but definitely celebrate these little victories because in our world, they're a big deal. You are awesome. Sincerely, your friend Gi.

  • Thank you for your kind words. Some days I can pull myself out of it enough to function at a basic level, but most days I cannot. It's 2 pm where I am and I just got out of bed. I know it will get a little better at some point, even if my relationship ends and I have to mourn it. I just keep crashing more and more frequently and it scares me (crashing where I stay in bed and it takes me days to get up and function). Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

  • I totally feel you. I was there just last week. Absolutely take as much time as you need to mourn it. I've been in relationships for the past four years and, as of this summer, this is the most I have gone single since then. I'm still mourning that fact and my last relationships. There's no timeline or expectations as to what you're supposed to feel for really anything. We all have different feelings. Let yourself crash for now, if that's what you need to do. Don't let your anxiety make you think you're a failure because of this, like mine does. Again, the fact that you acknowledge these things is something big.

  • You definitely are NOT dumping. It is actually comforting, in a strange way, to hear that someone else is going through the same exact struggles as me. Getting through each day with theses feelings of anxiety and depression is simply awful. It takes everything I have in me to even make it through each day. Does anyone else feel that way? Anyway, I appreciate your sharing and please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

  • I'm glad it helps comfort you knowing you're not alone as well. It really is an exhausting daily struggle. And it feels most everyone doesn't understand.

  • That’s how I feel too. I don’t think anyone can quite get it unless they have experienced it themselves.

  • Well you took first step and you want to feel better..look online for behavioral health near you or check with your health insurance. I know just talking to someone will make you feel much better. I hope you feel better day by day.

  • Try to stay positive and picture them taking out tumor and buying biotene its mouth wash and spray for dry mouth ..then picture holding that will fall in love when you hold the baby and be at peace ...I know it can be difficult to stay positive ..just practice you got this ..tumor will be gone and beautiful baby in your life.

  • I feel the exact same way. I don't have any interest in doing anything. I can't concentrate, I forget everything and all I want to do is sleep. It's the only way to stop my mind from whirling. Today is Halloween and my daughter is so excited about trick-or-treating and dressing up. But how do I tell her that mommy doesn't even want to get dressed today? If it were not for her, I don't know if I'd still be here. I am thankful for her and all the joy she brings. She's an awesome kid. I hate having her see me struggle like this. Maybe we can figure out this thing together.

  • I've never really been a forgetful person, but I forget things all the time now and those around me don't seem to understand when I've told them that anxiety and depression are seriously messing with my concentration and memory. Sleep is my release as well. It's the only time my mind leaves me be, except when I wake up throughout the night. I know just how hard it is to do for others when you can't even do for yourself. Sometimes I have to do my best to get out of my own head and think from their side and do my damnedest. I understand your feelings.

  • I'm 31 too. Saw your bio🤗. What you discussed about the guilt is just like me and a lot like my husband. He had guilt issues too but I'm more concerned about his drinking when stressed. He's is seeing a social worker and will try to work out his issues too. I do hope it helps. It's affecting our marriage too. I do hope your partner is able to understand and help you heal during this time because it does takes time to get better. It really is not easy. And no you are not dumping crap on the internet you are strong enough to get help in your own way and I am proud of you for that. Stay strong dear and message anytime you wanna talk.

  • Thanks. I hope his drinking does not get worse. I used for a few years and then spent many years in recovery. Like anyone else, I tried to numb and bury the pain. It was great for awhile, but it only made things worse. I'm glad your husband is seeing someone to talk out his issues with. I hope it helps him.

    Hang in there. It's a rough ride but we're all in it together right?

  • Thanks and so true

  • Hi this sounds like me I lost lots of interest after a certain life changing choice and my relationship ended. I no longer felt the interest to talk to any one not even family. To a point they've accepted me becoming more educated and my emotions are so numbing that I never really noticed that I'm not moving in any direction. I'm not well with relationships because I don't open up. I say explain yourself to your mate so he understands and can help. Medication which a lot of people including myself don't like but for you to see things different you may need to go on. How long is up to you. Do things alone sit outside and don't care how it looks to anyone. Also explain your feelings to your loved ones but sometimes it feels hopeless and it feels like you have to pretend because others in the family may be doing better. Hold onto those who love you family relationships may be stifling

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