Frustrated with myself and self estee... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Frustrated with myself and self esteem shot so sad and wish my falling apart life would end

I wish it didn’t seem like things are falling apart. My hair, my courage, my happiness. I’m so so saddened but I cannot cry. My partner just got so frustrated with me (he’s usually really good and understanding) making remarks that hurt and then got angry and defensive when I spoke up to him about it. I’m tired of this life. I feel useless to some and tossed aside and unloved. All because I feared a panic attack and asked a favor, it was too much piled on top of past favors I assume and he is apparently tired of me loosing capabilities that I have had and may seem like I should still be capable of. I have been keeping up with pushing myself out of comfort zones and accomplishing but I’m not perfect and do have setbacks. Trying to believe I’m going to be okay. I wish I was happy but I am wasting my beautiful life. My life seems beautiful because of my relationship with my kids who are amazing and I love them more than anything and I’m a great mom to them but guilt plagues me as to what damage has been done when they hear and see what is going on with me when I can’t go on a field trip or when they can tell I am not happy mommy. I will do what I can and try not to listen to putdowns from critics. I will try to stop mine reading that others think bad of me. I am feeling like such a mess and I cannot keep doing this, I cannot. Something is going to give. It’s just too much. My brain is so full. Guilt for even writing about myself at all. What will I do when my kids are gone. I feel I have nothing going for myself... the thought of school which I used to love is too overwhelming...sorry I’m just a mess right now so many thoughts racing.

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Hi starrlight, First off you are not useless second of all I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I will keep you in my prayers, remember you are not alone.. Hang in there things will get better soon. Remember this quote also "life has a funny way if working out just when you least expect it." Stay strong. Please don't try to hurt yourself. Im sure your kids can't live without you and they can't imagine life without you, they need you. Don't give up now.

Heres a few things that might help

1. Mindfulness

2. Deep breathing

3. Journaling

4. Praying

5. Listening to music

6. Taking a warm bath with essential oils

7. Reading a book

These are the things I do when I'm anxious..I hope this helped, sending hugs xx here if you ever need to chat :)

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Thanks Pink. I won’t hurt myself, it’s just part of me wants out of this life, this pain, wishes, but not acting on.

Thanks for the reminders. And I do hope life will have its way of working out when least expecting it. I like that hopeful saying.

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Hi Star, I am so hurting for you right now that your partner has seemed to reach his Limit, but no that's not a good thing to happen. Don't feel guilty for writing about yourself, your just doing what you feel like you need to do for yourself and you have to take care of yourself First, or you're no good to anybody else. Have you ever mentioned that you have been getting any therapy I don't recall? If not, Please Please Please, get some if Not for yourself then do it for your kids, whom I know are your World from what you say. Cry if you need to, I'm here for You... Many HUGS to you. Take Care

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Thank you Want2BHappy3! Good to read you. Therapy has stopped working for me. I wish I could cry. I don’t know why, maybe meds not letting me.

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Thats how i was my medicine wouldn't let me cry and it was such a weird feeling and i was so sad, its like i had run out of tears or something!

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Why not give therapy another try with a different doctor? I know you're PAIN, I'm there on a daily basis. Keep in Touch ☺️🙏

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Hi Starr, just checking to see how you are? 🙏

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As with you, my meds kept me from crying. I felt I was in neutral all the time - no anger, no joy, no bad depression, though that was always with me. A small change in my meds got me feeling again, and lessened clinical depression! I can now feel happy, angry, hopeful, sad. All the emotions at the right times. Just being able to feel sad is wonderful! I can do things other people to get past sadness, and it works. The point is, tell your doctor you feel flat, and would a change in meds help. Also, look for a new therapist. Like meds, there is no 'one size fits all.' Have you tried Cognitive Behavorial Therapy? I'll be starting it in February. I understand it helps dealing with long seated depression issues. I'll let you know how I feel about it after my second or third session.

Hang in there, sweetheart. You are so important to your family and this forum. I'm positive there are others whose lives are brightened by your presence. We all love you, and are pulling for you.

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Thanks that means a lot to me that you took the time to reach out to me. My therapist has a new idea so I might try it... EFT or something...

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I've heard about that, or something like that. I think it may be ACT. I was offered both and chose CBT because it seemed to be right for me. ACT helps you Accept what you're dealing with, and heal from there. I'm too stubborn to Accept anything about my condition, and it makes me shutter just thinking about it. However, I know several where it has been life saving.

What ever you're trying, I pray it polishes your Star!

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“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes GOOD THINGS FALL APART SO BETTER THINGS CAN FALL TOGETHER.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Starrlight-You are so very special and an inspiration to us all. I am sorry that your partner is not so understanding-I am kind of having the same issue. I know that you love your kids so very much, but you need to live life FOR YOU too! I know that we can lose ourselves in our kids-but you have an identity outside of being a mother, too! If you love them (and I know you do) then you MUST take care of yourself so that you can be there for them-and it sounds like you are trying everything. If you are not around and you do something stupid (you know what I mean) then it will definitely haunt them forever. They will need you even when they are grown ups. I know it seems like you are lost in a forest and trying so hard to get out and you do not know where to go or what to do-this is a metaphor that I use to explain to my husband how I feel. Then-one day-I figured out what to do! Instead of running in an endless direction (and still finding myself in the forest) guess what I'm gonna do? Set up camp! I'm gonna pitch a tent and LIVE MY LIFE. Even if alone, I am on the verge of a marital separation right now, I lost my daughter to adoption (as you know) and my dad to cancer all in a few years. It has really shaken my identity! Do the things you love to do-I love to read, write, color, make art and jewelry, dance, go to the movies, get dressed up, go shopping, bargain hunt, sign up for free samples on the internet, watch Netflix or Hulu, go to Barnes and Noble, read magazines on Fashion, Beauty and for Women, pet my kitty and play with him, etc. When I am broke I get online and make carts of what I want-I window shop online! It is so fun! I love couponing and bargain hunting as well. I like to do my hair and makeup just for the hell of it, even if I have nowhere to go. You are meant to be here-you are here for a reason. I want you to remember these next words of mine even if you remember nothing else I say to you! Here goes- JUST BECAUSE WE DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER, DOES NOT MEAN THAT THERE ISN'T ONE! It's out there somewhere, and we may not even find it in our lifetime! But there IS an answer and a rhyme and a reason! I hope this helps you! Be at peace, my friend, you CAN and you WILL make it through this! Self-care, Self Love and Self Compassion. And do not worry so much about how this affects your kids-kids are very resilient and they will most likely turn out just fine! (This has been proven in many studies) On your side-

Diviny123 (aka Ayla)

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Well said.

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Thank you so much, pink83737! We all have to stick together on here! ; )

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Yes we do!

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Yes to living life in the forest! I have to. No other choice right now. So I’ll try living it the best I can no matter how low and miserable I am. Thank you for all the wisdom you write here. Comforting. Besutiful times I wish for you Ayla!

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Thank you my friend! ; )

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💕

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I just now saw this. ☺️ 🙏

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It sounds like everything is a trigger, I imagine that everywhere you look brings you back to these feelings. It’s like searching for some relief and bam there are the same old feelings. It begins to feel like everything is hopeless. I find that thinking about anything becomes an issue. I think it’s just a constant heightened state. The answer for me is to force myself to not keep falling into these traps. I just constantly remind myself that it’s ok to be ok. I don’t have to think about anything, I can just let time pass without holding on to any feelings. It helps me to create space between the thoughts which lessons the uncomfortable feelings. It’s kinda like a game, every time I start to feel feelings, I remind myself that it’s the ok to not feel anything. It keeps me out of that dark space. That’s the key to learn how not to travel to dark spaces, just to learn to be.

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Yes! You are so correct! It’s all triggering me! The way I see things and feel them is so difficult.

Yes I will try not to hold onto the thinking and feelings. I don’t know how to not feel anything though. I will try to just be. Thanks for comforting wisdom Rpanio!

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Yup over my shoulder all the time it seemed and things had to be perfect pretty much in my Catholic schooling...but I had ocd as a kid so even if there was no immediate pressure I’d do work over and over and over...no one could get me to stop writing this way when the compulsion came.

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I do think these feelings are related to the ocd kind of thinking. I know for sure they are related for me. When something gets into my head I try to think my way out of it, which is not possible. When I’m like this everything is hard, all of the coping skills go out the window ( meditation,etc) for me it’s about reminding myself every time I’m triggered ( which can be 100 times a day) that it’s just a trigger and I’m not going to let myself fall over into anxiety and depression due to this thinking pattern. I have learned that my feelings are a direct result of my thoughts. I can’t change my thoughts but I can change how I react to my thoughts. It’s very hard though because I’ve been doing this my whole life and I’m now 46. But I’m convinced that this is the real issue for some of us especially when everything seems so overwhelming. It very hard to realize that the way I think is the issue, it goes against my true fiber, but my past has taught me this way of thinking( trauma,loss etc) it became a survival skill, but it too has let me down, so the next thing to do is treat myself in such a way, as to not let these thoughts create a constant trigger. It works it’s kinda like just noticing the thoughts and let them go, when they come let them go, the feelings will slowly subside..when they come, let them go, don’t chase them down ( the thoughts) let them go. The triggers slowly subside. It’s. It about focusing on that your triggered, it’s about preventing the triggers from leading to the constant troubling feelings. I hope you understand that I’m not preaching,as believe me this is very hard to do, I’m just trying to learn it so explaining it to you is helping me to reinforce this skill. It’s just a very different approach.

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Makes sense good insight

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Guilt is a major theme in your post. Did you grow up with over critical parents?

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Oooopps I answered you above HereIAm.

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Hello again, Starr,

Really sorry to read how you're feeling. A lot of us can relate to what triggered your anxiety. We expect those who love us to demonstrate it at all times, and when they don't, it's disappointing and painful. Many of us who struggle with depression need no triggers to set us off. That's unfortunate but it's true. We may seem to be out-of-control and It makes us feel awful.

Starr, we have an direct avenue to gain perfect control. It's not our sheer will power or in our own strength but thru the One who will comfort us if we ask Him.

REMEMBER THIS: You cannot scale a mountain in a single step; however, you can take on the challenge one step at a time. The same is true of most obstacles you face, no matter how mountainlike they might seem to be. Yes, as Jesus said, One day at a time.

Consider four faithful people mentioned in the Bible who suffered despair to the point of not wanting to go on.

Rebekah: “If this is the way it is, why should I go on living?”—Genesis 25:22.

Moses: “Please kill me right now. Do not make me see any more calamity.”—Numbers 11:15.

Elijah: “Take my life away, for I am no better than my forefathers.”—1 Kings 19:4.

Job: “Why did I not die at birth?”—Job 3:11.

Starr, If you read the Bible accounts about these people, you will find that their circumstances changed for the better—and in ways that they could not have foreseen. The same might be true for you. (Ecclesiastes 11:6) Do not give up!

Thinking of you with Christain Love :)

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Hi!!! Thank you for reminding that these people who followed with such faith also fell into despair and that things got better. I am thankful for the things that ARE going right. My husbsnd and I are doing great in our relationship now after taking space then a talk.

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So pleased to hear things are looking up for you, Starr. Thanks for that good report !

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Hi Starrlight,

How are you doing today?

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I was doing horrible, took an Ativan, am now much better. I cannot rely on pills though. Thanks for asking Delta! How r u today?

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Don't feel horrible. It's a biologically based health issue, so we need pills to help us sometimes. I realized that after going without meds for years. I just don't want to take more than necessary. Don't feel bad about helping yourself feel better.

I'm frustrated at the moment but that's a part of life :). I'm good! :)

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I hope you get passed the frustrated time soon. I’m here to listen if you need an ear my friend. 😊

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P.s. I know the feeling of wanting to take as little med as possible, only what is needed

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I just needed to remind myself that it's not really that serious. I needed to breath and not let myself stay caught up in that moment. I'm good now.

I know you are always here. I thank God for friends like you!

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Good for you! 💕

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Sweet architect, build me up! Build us all up!! <3

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love this song

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I do too. I just had to share it with you all. It's helping me to keep going today.

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Beautiful!!!!!!!

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Take a deep breath! You Will be ok. Its hard right now to see the light. I was in a bad way all through the years of raising my 2 adopted children. Things fell apart for me cause of diff things with my son and I could not deal well. Even after he went into foster care and it was just my daughter I had many depressed episodes and fighting with my husband in front of her. I had a complete breakdown after my mother moved in. Why I say all this is to say my husband and I are still together. He handles my bad times much better and my daughter is grown with 5 children and is a wonderful mother. Good times will come again. I can't tell you when but life goes on and things change. Its great that you feel your a good mom and I'm sure you are. One day at a time. Don't try to think of when the kids are gone. You have no idea of what lies ahead. Everyone has hard times but good times come also! Once your kids are gone, along comes grandchildren! Such happiness then. Slow down. Do what you can at the moment. Praise yourself even if no one else does. You know how hard your trying. I'm proud of you. Be proud of yourself .

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Thanks yes sometimes all we have is ourselves reminding us of our accomplishments.

Yes slowing down... I keep trying to go with the flow like nature... I’ve been forgetting...as I get caught up in go go go mode.

I’m glad for the good things that occurred for you in life. Glad you got through. Sounds like you are in a good place now. Thanks so much for sharing. 💕

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Hi Starrlight,

While exploring some poetry blogs, I came across this poem by David Whyte, a poet introduced to me by an English teacher at my high school many moons ago, and I thought I'd send it your way (link below). I hope you are feeling better, and not so overwhelmed. Take care.

wordsfortheyear.com/2015/09...

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Hi MrMonk,

It’s beautiful.

Thank you so much. I’m struggling but am appreciating the words reading them over and over.

I hope you are doing okay. Sending good vibes((((((((((((

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You're welcome Starrlight, and thank you for the well wishes. I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling right now, though. One of the reasons I haven't been as active on the forums is that I have epilepsy, and it seems that after more than twenty years, my medication may be losing its effectiveness, as I've been experiencing "auras" when I'm at the computer too long. I'm coordinating with my doctors to adjust my dosage, so, hopefully, I can get it sorted soon.

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Oh no I hope your med will be sorted perfectly and soon. Best to you.

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What pill do you take? I have epilepsy as well and get auras too when about to have a seizure. I have been on Tegretol XR for years. Still working good tho. I was just curious after seeing your post to Starr.

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I now take Depakote sprinkle capsules and Keppra liquid solution. The combo is working for the most part, so far.

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Oh that's great!!! Glad you'll be ok now! Seizures are scary. Wear you out for hours!

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Thanks! Oh yeah, seizures are seriously scary, particularly if you live alone, and there's no one there to make sure you're okay during and after one. Good to hear the Tegretol is effective. Any bad side effects from that one?

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Iv e always lived alone. Had them all the time. The last one a year ago I did hit,my head hard enough to cause a brain bleed!! No side effects I've noticed from it. I like the tegretol its been working for over 20 years now I think. 1000 my daily. Iv e had seizures while on it even driving but its all been my fault cause I've never taken them exactly 12 hrs apart. I have now for a year and been seizure free. I had a bad car accident and lost car and license 2 years ago. I crossed 5 lanes of traffic, hit a cable truck, pole and power box in vegas. Barely any damage to car but once I stopped it bent in the drivers side of the engine. Now seizure free I got license and just got older car here in Utah. Was riding a scooter in Vegas but hated it. Had to ride one here in Utah but getting too cold for that crap!! Feeling grateful!! Do you drive or no?

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No. But I was a piss-poor driver before I developed epilepsy, so I wouldn't get a license and drive, even if I had my doctor's approval.

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Oh ok dang. Moving to Utah you almost have to drive. Taking lyft to work cost 30 bucks to go only 9 miles!!!! Ouch right?? Working to just to get to and from work. Where do you live? Vegas was easier to get around versus here. How do you get around? Bus or uber?

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Living in Florida for at least another couple of months. I'm unemployed, so I don't leave my room very often. Like the old song says: "Don't get around much anymore."

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Lol yea I wasn't much either. Only riding scooter when absolutely necessary. It would be great in Florida! I'm almost unemployed due to the Mormons at work. They scheduled me only 4 days for February. If they don't like you your out I'm learning! Yikes! I'd rather be in Florida!! Lol

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Hi Starrlight -

I'd like to first comment on your name. I have a feeling that it reflects (pun intended....u know; light reflects - LOL!) who and what you are perfectly. I've come to this realization through your posts and replies. The obvious conclusion then would be that you are a beautiful and compassionate person who is lovable, intensely loving (especially to your children & husband), honest and yes.. extremely vulnerable at times. But try to remember these traits as you go about your day.

Your kids will most likely become empathetic to others if they've come to know mental illness. Have you explained what is wrong with you in a way they can understand? My daughter-in-law & son have 2 children. They are now 7 & 3. She has gran mal seizures. She has a little time before she becomes unable to move. She says, "son...mommy won't be able to move in a minute. It'll be ok in a few minutes, but I need your help. Please be sdure your sister is locked in. Get our neighbor & call dad". This is really scary, but he has proven he can stay calm & take charge. People may feel this is terrible, since he first had to do it at age 5, but she rarely has them & if the ambulance was called there could be "social services concerns" about her abilities. She is a stay at home mom and I would have to say one of the best. My grandkids are her world! I couldn't be more proud. I saw him in action once when I was in the house. My grandson came in & I thought he was messing with me until he yelled, "My mom is sick!". So my husband helped her to lay on the ground, I took our granddaughter & this amazing boy talked to his mom like he was her therapist, "Mom, it'll be ok. Just breathe in, think of a nice, happy place..." Again, this is not the best of circumstances, but we just pray and thank God for each other.

I also grew up with critical parents. I'm not into laying blame, however; if your parents grew up with dysfunction they do the best that they can manage. So much of who we are is a reflection of our home environment. Many people don't have the skills necessary to be good parents. I know mine didn't, hence neither did I, My children were raised in a horrible environment until I got sober... except there was love, I could cook ok and hold a job. I'm happy to report that my children are doing awesome today and they are all very empathetic. Also, each is in a loving relationship, they all have jobs and they still love their mommy!

Now, if you think people don't like you, I have some news for you.. so what?! It's none of your, or my, business. I do like what superman125 said. People really don't care enough about you to lend an opinion one way or the other. So true, though.

When life falls apart, try to do the next right thing. I really liked Pink's list in one of her responses to you. If you are overwhelmed, remember things like warm bath with bubblesz/oils, a book or magazine, a nice beverage & maybe a candle. See if hubby will take care of kids so you can have totally uninterrupted time for peace. You might come out saying, "Now I can deal!" When you panic, try tappimg your breast saying, "I'm alive, I'll survive."

Starrlight, writing down a gratitude list is the way to recovering. When you are concentrating on things you're grateful for, it's near impossible to stay on the dark side.

Keep on shinin' Starrlight!

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❤️ 😊 🙏

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Imakook, Your response is so thoughtful. I have talked to my kids a little bit about my condition but it’s been a while and I don’t even recall what I said. :( I don’t know what I’d say I’ll have to think about it. I like how your grandson talked to his mom when getting a seizure. My kids are empathetic and I fear may inherit anxiety from me. I think giving them knowledge would be a good idea.

Thank you! Best to you.

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I love ya Starr!! Your a great person. Don't let negativity from others get you down. Easier said than done. I'm working on that too! I do that mind reading to of others. I hate that! Its tough cause I find I'm doing it constantly. Frustrating isn't it. We both suffer from the same illness so I totally understand what your feeling. Let your partner have his little frustration. He should be helping you out a lot more I think. He should work with you to get things done!! At least you now know your a great MOM!! Those kids are always smiling so big when around you!!😄😄😄 And your not useless whatsoever! Just keep us all close to your heart and we'll all tell you the TRUTH:: Starr is amazing!!! Like the 🌟s in the sky!!! Hugs my dear friend!!!!

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❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

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(((((Star))))) you’re amazing and everyone is right with their advice. I completely understand how you feel right now. I could not relate anymore. It’s an awful feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone!! I love you and I’m sending you a million hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

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