Tonight I heard my mum say I should end it all. (venting)

[AeonFlux]

3 years ago I got my postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome diagnosis. I went from working full time in a new country to being bedbound and completely dependant on my mother and stepfather. The words can't express how worthless I feel. I've been dealing with panic attacks, depression and intrusive thoughts since kindergarten. I was never fully normal. Unable to keep friendships and relationships because of my trust issues. Being so insecure that I hurt other people and pushed them away. I have one friend on the other side of the world and I can't bring myself on messaging her because I'm just a ball of sickness and despair. I truly start to think I have no redeeming qualities. And what I heard in the conversation between my mom and stepdad confirmed everything I think about myself and more.

We were always close, me and mom. I confided in her even though 6 years ago she told her man that he's the number 1 in her life. I still tried to think of all the things she did for me, her care and patience with me which she needed a lot. From hurting my body in the past, chronic illness that made me say goodbye to my old self to full blown panic attacks and meltdowns. Now I have nothing. No health, no finances, no bond with people, no hope. They think I'm lazy and selfish, when I struggle to leave my bed, shower or eat. I would hit the streets but I'd die a slow painful death. It would be better to end it quickly.

She even mentioned the ways I should do it. Mother knows the best, I guess.

I don't know why I'm saying all this. My brain is shutting down. I'm sorry.

[fauxartist]

Wow... I am sorry for all your suffering... but find it hard to take in your mother telling you ways to end your life. I struggle hard some days with my age, and long covid symptoms that have changed my quality of life, but not to the degree you're dealing with, and I can't imagine your pain. But the emotional pain is the worst in some ways for you, I would imagine. The pushing away of people often is because you fear getting hurt worse, so you make the choice to push people away first. For me, the trust and self sabotaging relationships came from my emotional and physical abandonment. Maybe because your mother has put her partner 1st over you, this could make you feel a bit abandoned and betrayed, and to now have to depend on her care can't be very good for you. I am glad you're sharing about this, and hope you keep sharing as an outlet and way to keep in touch with the outside world. You're safe here because you're anonymous, so you can say how you feel.

[AeonFlux in reply to fauxartist]

It's very kind of you to stop and give my vent some time to say compassionate things, much appreciated.

[fauxartist in reply to AeonFlux]

We all need support with our stuff...I'm glad you have a place to connect with others who would understand.

[Matt_S]

Hello and sorry to hear that, this is the right place to talk, vent, and and get some really great support here. You are not alone ,people on here are great and caring, things will get better for you, and remember self compassion.

[AeonFlux in reply to Matt_S]

Thank you for being warm and welcoming

[Nanii]

That's just f***ed up for you to hear such things out of your mother's mouth! Sorry, don't know what else to say

[AnxiousCanadianChic]

That’s awful of your mom to say 😞. Is there any sort of facility that you could go to? Have you talked to her about what she said?

When I was little my dad would be very abusive and one thing he would always say is “your mom should have had an abortion “ he said this ALL the time. At the time I was 5-7 and luckily didn’t know what an abortion was, I had asked my much older brothers and one told me but I didn’t believe him, I didn’t think anyone would do that and I’m thankful I didn’t know what it meant.. I knew it wasn’t good but didn’t know what it was. I always hated him and then when I did know for sure what it meant I hated him even more.

I would ask her why she would say such a thing and find out if there are any options for you to get away from her.

[AeonFlux in reply to AnxiousCanadianChic]

It's so freaking heartbreaking. I'm so so sorry. Some people just don't deserve the happiness of having family (talking about your dad). It must've leave lots of scars from childhood. I really hope you're doing okay now and I'm so sorry you were treating like this. Especially as a child... Blows my mind.My mom was never abusive, verbally or physically. In fact, we were always super close, she gave everything to me she could and always listened when I needed it. At most times, she wouldn't understand my feelings and thoughts but she would try. That's why hearing it broke my heart. Before hearing her words we got into an argument which ended in me having a complete meltdown, almost like an anger attack that was triggered by being isolated in my room for 3 years, stepfather's smart remarks and feeling sick everyday. She's been dealing with depression for few months because she's exhausted of taking care of family and work. Lot's of stress because of my situation. I'm trying to understand her but also I'm super heartbroken. Don't have anywhere to go as I have 0 friends and savings and on top of that I think I got covid. I'm high risk and unvaxed (fearmongering did it for me) so I'm just leaving myself at fate. My antivax parents started showing symptoms as well and I'm pretty sure my mom will not survive. It's just a nightmare to be alive at this point.

[AnxiousCanadianChic in reply to AeonFlux]

Do you think it’s your stepdad trying to turn her on you? What about you and your mom going to therapy?

[AeonFlux in reply to AnxiousCanadianChic]

Yeah definitely, he even gets jealous if me and my mom are talking without him. He's also a master at gaslighting and very emotionally immature. If he's having a bad day he won't talk about it but he will surely let you know by being passive aggressive, creating problems out of nothing, being rough when closing doors etc.. I even heard him literally waking my mom up in the middle of the night just to tell her that... I moved my shampoo to her drawer and I'm invading her space, therefore controlling her. I quickly checked the bathroom and found out he actually moved it himself. I can't say anything because I'm not bringing any money to the family so I have no right to speak. No wonder his kids from a previous family never calls him on Christmas or birthday and the only way he found out he's a grandfather was because of Facebook post... Which is why he's acting like a poor abandoned puppy rejected by these evil morons and my mom is buying it. Sorry for the rant 🙈