I'm still struggling. Trying to not talk about it. But damn, this place is for this.. And i'm having presentations encouraging ppl to talk about it. It's not Black or white. Positive or negative. Everything has colors. Life is like a heartbeat up down. If straight line you're dead. So yeah in may i feel better. I had my second volunteering presentation and i had to carry it all and lead. I got so proud but tired. Thought that after sleeping i will feel better but i don't. Before falling asleep i worried that i feel better here but i don't have money. I feel bad asking my parents for money. And i feel bad that i was promised a certain amount and got less. My mind is running like "why did i get less? Did i convinced them i deserve less with myself being anxious about asking and feeling like i don't deserve it? Did i sabotage myself? What if i really don't deserve it? What if they don't care about me or spend the money on the baby? What if i have to take care of myself like a normal person and work but until i find work and get paid i will be broke? I couldn't even have a presentation - 1 presentation and i needed 15 hours of sleep. What if they think normal people are working? But there are people at like 30 being carried by their family. And i'm mentally ill and i'm studing, my therapist said it's like my family doesn't care i'm studing as If i'm doing nothing, i helped them get their highly-paid jobs with my knowledge. And are they can afford to help me. But sending on half-siblings? Plan guys, you're adults. I feel so guilty thinking these thoughts and people are gonna judge me - like "get a job you lame and stop being a burden to your parents, you're selfish". Believe me my own mind is telling me this all the time. It is. It's screaming im a burden and don't deserve to eat, don't deserve to buy anything. My unimates are buying shoes and make up that cost more than what i have for the month. I got a haircut and ordered some stuff for my terrible skin during a Breakdown and i feel so bad. I have $100 to survive the month. I wanted to buy my sister a gift. I'm hoping i win the writing contest i partisipated in so i can buy her this. And it would be my debut with my story Moonlight sonata, first of my dream book of stories Metaphysics. But untill i write it i have exams and stuff. I was planning on going home but i have attendant exams on june and i have to study and at home nobody cares i study, they think i'm doing nothing and give me tasks and i can't study. I missed my last class on History of art my favourite subject because i had to do some chores. And don't get me started on my mental damage. I just talk om the phone or text my family and i get a panic attack. I feel like even If i see a picture of them i will get scared. It's not like i don't love them but they scare me to death. Don't be hard on me, my brain is deeply fried. Summed up - i'm worried because i have a really severe mental damage and mental illness, $100 to survive the month, attendant exams and online classes, wondering when to go home because i want to see my sister and check up If everything is okay there but anxiety from home and family, struggle with time and space, i don't know how to plan it, and my room is a mess and i should clean but i can't i litterary don't know where to put the stuff and yesterday i saw a spider and the spider is still bothering me. Have to clean and plan and study for ending the semester and my brain is deeply fried. Trying to write articles and stories meanwhile and still waiting to see If they bring me something. Last volunteering presentation will be on wednesday with my same teammate from yesterday. She's a lady, 20 years older than me, that has problems with the tech part of the presentation and the english and is first year. It's really weird to have to be the leader of someone older than you and said in gamer language having to carry it all. For real had to carry. The tech part, the english part, keeping the corespondation with the bosses, explaining to her what to do, she still messing it, covering it and reassuring her. I probably sound mean but i assure you im really kind to her and she kept all the cute feedback notes which was the best part of this. I'm being a leader not a Boss. Litterary a carry. I told her "don't read during the presentation", she went and readed from the slide and i was like noooo and starting to talk to cover it up even though it's not my part (and i have to make up something and i'm socially anxious) and when giving mini quizzes she says "wrong" and i'm like "noooo, don't discourage them, they won't participate. It's not wrong. We explain it at the next slide. Let them figure it out themselves. It's not wrong or right. We just want to engage the audience😭" but i don't say it - i try to explain nothing is this simple nor wrong or right and do transition to the next slide and smile while i feel like crying. And the best part was the feedback notes and she kept them. I'm not saying this to look for solutions i just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
P. S. I kept a note. It's saying "Really liked it a lot! I learned things i didn't know and they're important. It was a pleasure and i thank You so much!" and a small drawing of a heart. My heart melts 😭❤️
I'm tired beyond belief and get no enjoyment of life.
Feeling Like A Failure
I'm going back to therapy and I'm scared
I'm new and I'm pouring my heart out I guess. Looking for positivity and a safe place.
