So I tried to talk to someone... but I still don't know what to do... Any Advice is welcome...

[Midnightwolf1]

So I tried to talk to someone I trusted. She's an adult at my school I moved back to. I told her how I feel like Harley's death was my fault. I told her that I was raised to believe in God and used to go to church everyday with my Memaw and Nana every Sunday, but when dad got custody of me, I stopped going to church. Then when my life started to go down hill and everything bad that was happening to me, I felt as I was being punished. And every time I asked for help, he would ignore me so eventually I stopped believing. (This part I didn't tell her cause she would have to send me away to the Mental Health Center or Hospital. But After I stopped believing I just started to wish for death. Kept telling the skies to take me away, that I didn't want nor deserve to be here anymore) I told her that some higher power decided to punish me cause I quit believing and other things by taking Harley way. That's why I feel so guilty about her death.

(I didn't tell her this either. But that Higher power decided to decline my 'prayers' and punish me again by taking Harley away who was 11. I was just starting to get better from the depression and everything and whatever high power is up there decides to screw my lifer up more then it already was)

She suggest that she feels like its my conscience is making me feel guilty cause I quit believing or something like that. She said that I could try Church and see if that would help. She even offered to take me to hers and try it. I still don't believe in 'God' but I'm starting to believe there is a higher power up there.

But I just don't know what to do honestly, Any advice??

[Eowyn7]

You should ask for a referral to talk to the school psychologist. You have been through a trauma and are grieving. I would recommend the same thing to a person of any age, who experienced a loss like this. Its natural for you to feel as you do and you deserve to get help and not struggle alone.

A teacher can only do so much, and she should have referred you for more services.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Eowyn7]

I remember what happened last time I talked to a teacher and accidently told her that I've thought of cutting or thoughts of death. I got sent to the Mental Heath Center when I lived in Fl my 8th grade year. They didn't help me at all. All the did was talk to me once, put me on meds and I was out the door 4 days later. I don't want to go through that again or mess up my record that could prevent me from going into the military. Anything I go through, they have protocols (I think that's how you spell it) that has to be follow and If I'm not mistaken, any suicidal thoughts or self harm thoughts will end me up in the Mental Heath Center or Hospital.

[Eowyn7 in reply to Midnightwolf1]

Talking to the school psychologist doesn't necessarily mean they will put you in an inpatient facility though. I'm sorry you had to go through that and didn't find it helpful.

If you ask to speak to the psychologist, you can explain that you want to talk about your grief over your cousin's passing. Grieving is normal and that would not make them want to commit you.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Eowyn7]

I know, I just don't want to say something then get haled off.

[Hidden]

Hi, the problem of suffering and evil in the world confounds all human beings, especially believers because we are asked, if God exists why evil, why suffering? The short answer I can give you is that we are in a battleground of a world. Horrible things happen, and I cannot tell you why each event occurs specifically but I can say that if you do reach out to God, He will come through for you. I have experienced this first hand. I cannot explain why we love, why we live, why the universe is here and functions by mathematical laws that do not change, how DNA formed and where the information encoded in DNA came from apart from

God. I’m sorry you have had to face so much trauma early in life, but I can say there is a lot of hope and promise for you. There is healing from trauma and there is life after loss. Keep seeking, reaching out and praying. ❤️. Grief support, therapy, can you talk with your grandma about your loss? She sounds like a good support person.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Hidden]

I can't really talk to know one cause I'm scared of hearing a lectured about feeling the need to cut and having suicidal thoughts ( I don't really have those as mush anymore ). From my grandma anyways. I don't know of any grief support groups and I don't really want to go to therapy. But, I'm going to try to believe again, at least in something.

[Hidden in reply to Midnightwolf1]

There are grief support groups everywhere. I’m familiar with a program called GriefShare. Google grief support in your area...grandma can help you process grief, you don’t have to tell her about your thoughts of cutting.

[6ixtyon1 in reply to Hidden]

I agree--I have heard very good things about GriefShare! If you don't with to talk, at first, but only listen, it's amazing what you can learn from others...you are not alone, out there. Give a group a try--because everyone there is trying to heal and all going at different rates, you can take your time, until you are ready to open up.

The alternatives are not with you, at the moment...I think you will have to go out and look for the help that you seek, but YOU CAN DO THIS! And, do it for yourself--you are worth it!

[Beccag89]

Hi there! In some ways I have felt the same as you. I grew up going to church, going to Sunday school, grew up in a Christian family. My Dad passed away when I was 18 and my sisters were younger than I. Was unexpected. I blamed myself, blamed others, blamed God. I believe that is normal and God knows that you are in so much pain. God understands that you are hurting. Psalm 34:18. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." It took me a long time to realize that God never left me. He was catching every tear. He understood when I yelled out at him. This world is a world full of ugly sin. We will never understand why things happen the way they do. God never wants us or our loved one's to suffer. I can just tell you from my experience that going to therapy and being open/vulnerable was a huge step in my recovery. Finding a church came next and I have made so many strides. Its not easy and it's not always a good day but reaching out to someone and reaching out to God helps! Even if you are mad at God. Tell him. He knows.

Maybe you could ask your grandma or the person you trust at school to help you find a psychologist that you would feel comfortable going to. Since you said your father isn't really listening to your needs. There are many resources out there! There are also faith based Psychologists. I go to one and he has been a blessing.

I know that when I write this it may seem impossible or seem crazy. But I've seen blessings within my pain. God won't desert you. I want you to know that I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Please know that ppl care and that ppl will help you! Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. That's a huge step in the healing process. You have already taken a huge step by reaching out on here. Please continue to do so. Ppl will listen! Love and prayers!!