Lost perpetually

[wittsend0]

I come here to vent with the full belief that it is useless to do so.

I was diagnosed with Colitis early on, Aphasia , Dysgraphia, (one other that evades me at the moment) in college in my 30s having put myself through school late in life, to gain a degree that has been useless. I also have PTSD from a horrible family life. And I have self diagnosed with mild Autism having read a lot of books on the subject and watched o so many tv shows and movies about people living with autism, and seeing myself with my limited ability to read people in the characters.

Im in my late 50's and have been depressed since I was 10 years old. I have been working at something since 10 as well, struggling for every penny, and currently out of work, having been fired for the first time in my life from the only job I could get after sending out 7k in resumes. (Tip: don't waste your time with massive amounts of resumes without using something like jobscan to hit the keywords on every one or you wont make it past the automated software reviewing your resume.) I made a movie which was seen by 1200 people, wrote a book that has been downloaded 15 times, which has been free for most of its publishing! And can not get past the crap in my head to actually finish any of the music I started writing from the time I was 5 years old. When I was young, every time the muse struck someone in my family would come in and bother me, breaking me out of the moment and to this day I cant get anything completed.

I have been screwed over by pretty much everyone in my life be it family or friends or Financial advisors or Doctors who can't diagnose anything properly or perform surgeries that don't fix anything. ( which probably says more about me then any of them).

I think about suicide everyday but don't have the guts do act on it. Wake up every morning with my first thought being just let me die in my sleep!

I have a person in my life for the last 13 years whom is the antithesis of what I need or want in a partner. Barely contributes anything and complains all the time. If you where to watch from the outside you would say I am hootchy wiped. I was raised to be a slave and I behave like a care giver behaves even when it does not benefit me. PTSD is the life for me...

I need to leave, move, find some way of life different before it kills me or I finally give in to the suicidal thoughts, and yet even knowing that I am still here. I used to wonder why abused people stay in abusive relationships. I still don't know why but I know I'm in my third relationship and all of them where abusive and again it probably says more about me then them. 3rd relationship all as adult, non as a kid whom would have learned something in the process.

I am anxiety ridden and completely lost.

I hope for your sake you never have to walk a path like mine.

Be safe, try to be happy, live in the moment because the past has already been and will not change, and the future never actually arrives. It is always now. If only I could take my own advise.

[Roxylox]

Very brave post there. I sure hope things pick up for you. You must be very creative. Thanks for the advice about living in the moment.

[Jorja70]

I understand and feel your pain. I haven't been around anyone with your problems but can understand how overwhelming it can be for you. Most of my life I have tried to look for someone just to love me and care about me and what I have experienced in my life and I have never found that in anyone I chose. I was always the giver. I hope you can find someone that can help you in your journey. I have been alone more times than with someone and I've been married 3 times. Maybe start by finding a friend that just listens and hold you when it's really hard to carry on from one day to the next. Maybe that friendship will help in the next step or be the one to help find the right person you need to be a partner to. Don't give up. Someone told me suicide was a permanent solution for a temporary situation. You never know what that next step will be and how fate will be. There's someone somewhere but you are the one to find it I sometimes I prayed to God to help me find that someone. I told God "And tap me on my shoulder to say this is the one cause I can't trust myself." I've never got that tap but who knows, it might happen. I know I haven't help you but I will always listen to your needs. Just never lose hope.

[wittsend0 in reply to Jorja70]

When I was young and in a really bad way , I was working with gentleman who was a kind soul and ordained minister. He tried to help at the time suggesting I ask god for help, and I gave it a full go at asking god for help. Whether I missed it, or it never came... I have no faith.

[Jorja70 in reply to wittsend0]

Don't give up on God. He gives you thinks in his time. Sometimes he wants us to do something and we aren't listening. God has been there for me so many times. I have a guardian angel that I have worked overtime. He gave mankind a brain to decide the things we do. And if we are not listening to what He says then we miss it. Have you heard the parable of the 3 visitor. A man was wanting Jesus to come to his house to dine. And three times a visitor came and he turned them away. So he asked why did He not come and Jesus said "I visited you 3 times and you turned me away." So you never know how he will answer you. I sometimes have a hard time and I ask God to help but instead of leaving it with him I try to fix it myself. And I make a mess of it. Just don't lose faith and give up. I have felt him so many times and then there's the times I don't listen to what he says.

[Jorja70 in reply to Jorja70]

Also, don't talk to him with a closed mind. If you ask Him in earnest He will listen to you. Don't doubt Him. Just open your heart and give it all to Him. And things will happen maybe not right then but it will. Trust me, I have the patience of a gnat. I want things to happen like yesterday. But eventually it happens. I wish my depression would let me listen better.

[b1b1b1]

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If not, you might want to consider it as well as taking antidepressants. x

[wittsend0 in reply to b1b1b1]

Been there done that...

[TEN4]

Two things I’d like to throw out there because, who knows, might be the ticket:1) Celebrate Recovery - google search to find a location near you. Held at many churches and free. Geared for addicts and those with hurts, hangups, and habits.

2) Amen Clinic - they scan the brain to pinpoint the problem areas of the brain that needs attention. Psychiatry is the only practice that doesn’t look at the organ they’re dealing with, until now. Costly but financing available. High success rate for those who have not found a breakthrough.

You are brave for all you’ve been through. Please don’t give up!

[wittsend0 in reply to TEN4]

Thank you

[Lizzo30]

I imagine your book and film are good bc your writing engaged me

I can't help wondering what your partner would say if they found out you were saying stuff like that about them behind their back tho lol

[wittsend0 in reply to Lizzo30]

The point to this site is to vent and seek advise... Is it not? It is not to go behind someones back. If my relationship were healthier, I would further my dialogues with her. But they go nowhere.

[Lizzo30 in reply to wittsend0]

Yes you are right

I wish you well

[KindredKate]

Wow! I SO get you. Most days I am marking time because at 66, with an sickly spouse & UC myself( + anxiety/depression/CPTSD).I stay because its too hard to leave, I have nowhere to go( that I can afford alone), none of my family wants me with them.

Again, I SO get you - even not knowing what country you live in, I can really relate.

Big Air hugs🫂🤗

[wittsend0 in reply to KindredKate]

The US and the cost is killing me slowly.

[KindredKate in reply to wittsend0]

I get that. You know the struggle is real, too. Wish I could do more than " listen". But, I hope venting helps.

[Jsteve36]

Is the ptsd group on HU?

[wittsend0]

I guess my next step will be the PTSD threads....