Lost in the dark corners of my mind

[UnbackedMuffin]

More often than not my thoughts are filled with nothing but negativity. I can't help but dwell on all my insecurities and regret. Any small glimmer of happiness is over shadowed by these dark thoughts. Leaving me to miss out on any moments of true joy or happiness. It's as if I deny myself the ability to be happy. My thoughts always sabotage any chance of enjoying positive moments in my life.

For years I've lived with depression and the regret from a long list of mistakes. Forming an abusive relationship where I feel I deserve nothing but pain. As bad as it gets it's all that I know anymore. In a sick way I have grown comfortable. I've all but lost the will to end the toxic relationship

I've been so beaten down from years of negative thinking that it has filled me to the core. Changing the way I perceive the world around me. Only allowing me to see the evil in everything. Every situation is broken down and scrutinized. Leaving me lost in my mind. Creating worst case scenarios, that rarely ever come true.

This kind of thinking leaves me so far separated from the present. That I miss out on enjoying anything. I tell myself that if I plan for the worst I will be truly surprised when something good happens to me. From listening to this train of thought I've slowly stopped following my passions or dreams. Why try when it's only going to fail. I've lost to much of my life to this darkness I allowed to seep into my brain. I don't want to be controlled by fear anymore. Somehow I need to take control of my life. Start taking the good with the bad without self-destructing. I need to realize life is filled with hardship and I'm going to fall from time to time. This struggle is there to remind us of how much we need to appreciate the good things. They make us want to learn from our mistakes and pick ourselves back up. If only to prove that we can overcome the obstacles life throws at us. Because without the darkness how can we truly see the beauty the world holds when the sun rises. I hope more than anything I can leave the shadows and step towards a brighter future. One where I can say that I gave it my best. Even in the face of constant failure.

[quitter333]

Ok, here's a raedy made plan to kill off your "dark corners" without really going into subtle detail why you think and feel something.

So trust me on this.

Depending on where you live - TODAY OR TOMORROW you will take a little bit of money, and find a place where there is a quad bike or better motrocross bike rent. Get your blood pumped, push the machines to limit.

THEN

I know it's super cold, you will drive to a lake and have a swim/dip in this supercold water. If seal team can do it, so can you.

Go home, drink hot chocolate, read a book whatever.

Then, this Friday or Sunday you will ask 2 friends and do the same. You'll see that just few hours weird things will build enough momentum for any depression to screw off. You will think about your adventure rather than sad life, boo hoo.

...

Why such an advice? See, your problem, much like many many many people like this, you do not substitute bad moments with good ones.

All you need is to just push so many good events into your brain, that in comparison the bad ones are insignificant (well, we all need and have bad memories and concepts, because that's our life lessons).

That's about it.

Shock your brain and body.

[UnbackedMuffin in reply to quitter333]

I've been watching stand up and comedian interviews all week. The videos I've watched have been therapeutic and have helped me work through some issues. Just want to say Thank you. Watching comics talk about going through similar problems is weirdly comforting.

[AZ1970]

We are not meant to live in an abuse, destructive relationship. I can tell you from my experience that we cannot make ourselves ok when there are things happening around us that are not ok. Having someone in our lives who destroys our self image is toxic. Please consider this. You are worthy of love, not pain.

[UnbackedMuffin in reply to AZ1970]

I appreciate the kind words. I've come along way but still don't actively seek a relationship. I have too much that I still need to work on and don't want to make it someone else's problem. I've tried to let someone in but it always ends up doing more damage.

[pink318]

Hi,

I’m very sorry you are going through this. I pray that you will stay strong and overcome all the obstacles that are in your way right now.

Please don’t lose hope and try to focus on the positive. I hope things will get better for you. God bless.

[HeyItsThatKidd]

I'm late, however I respect that you can give such a detailed response of what's going on in your head. I'm almost, entirely in the same situation... though still may be very different, I've also founded a sickening comfort in all the negative thinking....even in my depression I feel at home...it's scary to think about. We've grown into these people. Seems like there's no turning back sometimes

[UnbackedMuffin in reply to HeyItsThatKidd]

Thank you. Writing has become a form of therapy for me. I started writing my thoughts down as either lyrics, poetry or in journal form. I would always tell people I was depressed and they never fully understood. So I wrote down the thoughts and emotions I was dealing with.

I don't understand either why I found comfort in my pain. I would hold onto it because it was the only emotion I could feel. I became complacent with my misery. I don't know how I let myself get that way. I've slowly become a bitter , cynical person. I've lost all hope that things will get better. I lost any drive to pursue my passions. I've become everything I hate honestly. Even after all that I don't know how to find my way out of the hole I dug myself into. For the longest time I was waiting for change to just happen on it's own. After years of waiting I've come to realize the change needs to start with me. I just can't seem to find the right path to take.