I am sinking into a hole of depression. A pit where I feel alone. And dark. And everyone outside hates parts of me. And I want to hide. I don’t know how far down I may be going nor how long. I feel kind of used up I guess and very tired. But as I stretch before the sun comes up I am still grateful that I have people in my life I care so much about who care so much about me and I want to keep it that way ... I can’t bother them with this right now because it would make me feel worse to open up to those I’m closest with.
I can get through this falling into the mess I’m in and I’m using all of my tools created to make the trip easier. I feel unstable. But able. I also feel I will be stronger after I go into and come through and out of this. But it really helps me to write. This way it’s more real and now I’ll be a better person soon I believe.
I care about all of you here and send you positive vibes and appreciate anyone who reads wether you decide to reply or not, thank you to anyone who cares and you are always welcome to talk with me another time or pm me, or just be and take my well wishes I have for you. I wish everyone the best.
I am taking care of my mom today while my dad attends his brother’s funeral. I will do my best to see that she has a good day with me. I also have to clean some it’s messy in my home right now and simply make sure myself and my kids are okay you know just the norm bathing and eating and I know it may be so simple but I find everything in life right now a bit overwhelming with a bunch of concerns in the back of my mind and so I will try my best to stay in the present moment and go with the flow this day one moment at a time and try to make good memories ...good memories , yes... like getting a chance to read, watch birds or doing something fun with the kiddos or getting my mom’s eyes to change into smiling sparkles.
I meditated and talked long distance with a guy who is like a brother to me. We talked a lot about dreams, us both trying to interpret his his dream had so much detail it was so cool what he and his daughter came up with and when I added my insights he seemed pleased. I recalled dreams a lot last night. For the most part I went place to place meeting new people and trying to make the right choices. This morning i see it has taught me that I need to be more authentic and ditch some things that weigh on me. There’s always so something to learn in every situation if I look so I’ll be looking and trying to be as positive as possible. I believe I can feel grief, depression and anxiety and still grow in it all, spinning around and around teaching me lessons I need to know.
Life seems short to me right now as many say and we may get many chances or this may be the last time so let’s choose wisely I think we all can choose wisely if we believe in ourselves and no matter where your spirit has taken you, we do have this moment to do with it as we wish inside ourselves... maybe we are busy on the outside or even with the mind but still peaceful on the inside of the heart and that plus the creating good memories and being extra kind today is my intention. The sun just popped out. Good luck everyone.
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Starrlight
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I hope you have a nice day with your mom and kids. I hope you find a moment to enjoy the sunshine beeming down on your face and the warmth it provides.
A bit teary, thanks, disgruntled but like you I will be ok. I could identify with your journey today, or impending journey. I have worries Thanks again for asking
Can you tell me a bit about how you are suffering? Only if you feel you want to, otherwise, best to you it will all pass soon I believe for both of us. Thanks for always being right around the corner .
Iam suffering everyday with my depression and anxiety it has gotten worst these couple of months where I don’t want to do nothing but lay in my bed have so many negative thoughts too everyday is a battle to get up and go on my day the worst thing is I feel terrible for not enjoying anything with my daughters and parents but Iam just to depressed I don’t want to do anything i cry everyday too to see how Iam and not enjoying life to the fullest I can’t enjoy anything
I understand. It’s hard to go through the illnesses and at the same time feel bad about it but we should not feel bad for what we can’t control.. we do our best... we need to give and receive compassion.
I'm glad you wrote, Starr, and that you have a full schedule to keep you busy. I find not having anything to do when I'm also getting depressed to be even more scary. At least you'll have constant proof of your connections with people. And us!
I looked through your backpack and stuck my head on the freezer and know what ? It made me laugh so thanks for that. Oh c-Mac if I had the time of explain about all the demons I am fighting, this minute and the the second I woke to the day around 5:am but I don’t right now. Maybe later we could have a chat about bipolar stuff and where you are now I would love to hear it.
Dolphin ❤️I want to give everyone who knows most parts of me well a break from me because I can become exhausting to myself and others so when I feel the need I may even disappear from here too and that’s why my pm reply is so short today. It IS gorgeous for you I love this thank you for sharing it reminds me a of a pic I took in Maine where the shot focused in on Canada across the river...and it is I suppose gorgeous here too today it’s hard to tell I feel so paranoid when I walk out of the house but I had to get the kiddos food they’d actually eat and took my mom on a long walk out of feeling I had to try to make good memories stumbling around on the earth more than usual as I read a poem to her that my son write and I could tell she had a good time with me even though I kept feeling I was being watched. The sun is bright now. I just came inside again and feel ocd and claustrophobic. I have been having panic attacks and it’s my own fault my kids saw me having a big one because I took too much medication. Too much buspar. It’s a class C anxiety med and I thought if I take this much it should help uh nope - Because I wanted the pain to stop- It was very scary because my heart was beating so fast. I felt I would go unconscious as well. That’s a regret of mine. Thanks for listening here. I need an outlet like this right now. Hope everything is going well for you.💫
Hi Starr. What you said about your heart "beating so fast". Maybe what helps me might do you some good? I've found if I heat a gel-pack in the microwave quite warm (but not enough to burn you), and lay down with the gel-pack over my heart, it helps. I listen to a favorite audio book while I lie there, and it gives me something to focus on besides me and my crazies. I've been listening to On Writing (free online) lately, and it's lots of fun.
I'm sorry you're struggling... For what it's worth, me too. It's so hard.
Baby and I are both a little grumpy today -- she's got pinfeathers everywhere! She wants a treat, but then she wants to reach around the treat to nip me. Poor girl, she hurts!
Ya, if she'd take a bath they'd soften up a bit and she wouldn't be so miserable. But she's been refusing a bath all week. I've only been able to spray / mist her, but she doesn't like it much. 🙁 🦜 It's no fun when we're both depressed and grumpy at the same time.
If you come up with something to help, please let me know!
Oh I’m so sorry you are doing the right thing it seems to most her at least since she refuses a bath. I wish I knew what else to be done for both of you. Love to you both ❤️ ❤️
I don't know... I don't paint, but perhaps I can read a bit, or maybe try an audiobook if my mind won't let me. Funny, I never thought of reading -- or singing for that matter -- as being creative. You're helping me look for something.
I just freaked out because like you know when you get confused, I decided to go over and organize my kids documents as one will be doing virtual and one homeschooling how will I do it we will see ha so anyway I got very upset but decided to devise the different kids stuff into separate folders DUH making it more clear what info each kid had that I have collected to submit. I feel a bit calmer I guess I hope you can get to a better place I’m so feeling for you right now
It's nice to hear from you today, to feel a connection. It seems like you had a breakthrough with the different folders. No DUH, just a good for you, sometimes it doesn't come to us right off the best thing to do.
I am trying to hope and get through the night. I just got told I'm "a pain in the ass" for being in such bad shape today. Not being able to manage life. I guess that's so, but I wish it was put more nicely. It hurt me.
I would love to tell him off! That’s not right and you are NOT a “pain in the ass” His heart is messed up. Yours hurts but is beautiful. You are not the one in the wrong.
It’s nice to hear from you today too. I love time with you. ❤️ I’ll be up for a while as it’s hard for me to get to sleep this night I’m all anxious, we can hurt and try to relax together.
I'm so sorry anxiety is keeping you up! 🐲 That's what I saw reading "I’m all anxious", a dragon. A big, bad-tempered one. I guess we're not supposed to fight our bad feelings, but boy it's hard. I'll probably be up late too. Sometimes drinking golden milk calms me, might even make me sleepy. It's gonna take a pretty big mallet to knock myself out tonight. Sending you thoughts of a sleepy, calm dragon. Give him a scratch between the ears. zzzzzzz
I fight. I can’t help it. I fight that dragon. Maybe asking it why it’s with us would help. I can barely breathe lately. Maybe taking an extra Propanolol would help me. Best of luck to you with your dragon.
Wonderful! Worrying about sleep just seems to make things worse. Maybe the poem helped you relax? Or maybe just thinking about what was bothering you. Both helped me.
Don't know why, but I slept fitfully last night and woke with only five hours sleep. I'm pushing past bad pain today to try to see a little bit of improvement in my mess at home. The same balancing act as always. Don't push and everything that needs attention gets worse. Push and hurt worse for days. There's no in-between. Not a lot of progress so far, but I'm trying. This is my break time, hoping I heal enough to get back to it.
Im sorry. Are you resting now I hope? I’m not good. Folders are good thanks. It’s me that’s wrong. I’ll talk to you tomorrow hopefully, I’m off to bed.❤️
Omg I love that - there is an end after the beginning very true... and since life is hard for most, this really is special to imagine the pain being healed and ending
Thank you for your well wishes. I am sending some to you. When I am struggling I often struggle to be grateful. For me holding on to hope gets me through. Hope for others that they will find some peace today. Hope for myself that I will find a few bright moments to cherish. But like you I have brushed myself off and stood on my feet again many, many times. No matter how bad I feel I know I will do it again. I may need to adjust my coping tools or find a few new ones but I will get through. You will too. With beauty, strength, grace, empathy and the incredible kindness you show everyone. HUGS and BLESSINGS ❤️
Yeah I think maybe it could be worse. I am planning steps toward my goal today. It’s all I can do that is and take care of my family and try to be there for myself when I can believe in myself and make the changes I need. What have u been up 2? How tsp you find your Hope? I try to imagine my goal is already completed but part of me doesn’t believe in myself now.
I haven't really been up to much. Just doing my best to get past the severe anxiety I've been having for awhile. Doctor changed my meds a bit and it seems to be helping. Just took awhile. Today I have spent the entire day watching movies on Netflix. The weather is lousy and I don't feel like doing anything. All you can do is your best each day even when it's not alot. As your children get older you will have more time to concentrate on yourself. My kids are grown so I am finally able to do that. I don't know where my hope comes from but it's always there. Perhaps the hope is there because of the many, many times I have managed to pick myself up and get back on my feet. For years I have said if I ever wrote my autobiography they would put it on the fiction list. But if I ever decide to write I have a great title. I'm going to call it "Why am I the one who's medicated?"
Wow thank you! I really needed that! Yeah I never stay down but my conditions at times was too severe to get up right off after a small break. Now I Think this is a break needed and to change things up a bit become healthier. You sound great! Write a book!
Sending love ❤️ and ☀ sunlight. You are a, warrior. We are all strong for what we go through especially when we come out on the other side. It helps to have people who are understanding. It's great when you have friends and especially family. This is such a great place because everyone is so amazing 💋
Thank you for your positive outlook and I am grateful for you and this place. So scared right now stuck in this depression until when... not knowing when I can break free is a challenge
I understand. I have to be happy all the time to make people around me comfortable even at home. No one is happy 24 hours a day.. It's not even just being positive.. That is separate.. Some days just when I think I'm pulling out of my depression I sink back. Even at work, my escape.
Enjoy the sun! I read that you meditate. I need to learn how to do this! There are no coincidences. A lady asked where I have been on this board and I think that was so sweet. People caring about people! Hugs to you
I’m so sorry you feel that way. I can’t pretend. For me it is loudly what it is or I’ll endure and try to get out of it quick for my family so yeah I get that. I hope that sometimes you have someone to talk with about things that bother you or try journaling if you’d rather, I find all of it helpful. EDIT: sorry this was intended for Lve2Dance
Thank you! I may get out for some fresh air it’s probably a really great idea as I haven’t been out today. Yeah where Have you been? ha! Let’s take 5 minutes to start. Just find a time when you can concentrate and be at peace for as long as you want starting little is good. Peace for me is deep breathing through the nose and out through the nose slowly snd focus on that breath. Or just be ...mindfulness is yours to experiment with I feel it’s like an art.
I'm so happy you posted and shared. I envy your optimism. I hope it rubs off on me. I too feel like I'm in a black hole. And unstable I too have a wife and kid (12 year old son). I feel alone, I feel like I'm a burden to my wife and can't really lean on her anymore. She's says she's broken, numb, caregiver fatigue and all that. Our marriage is really strained and I know she resents me for not being able to be an equal partner in the marriage. We've been together for 23 years and she's in survival mode b/c she's so overwhelmed having to do everything and I tend to be very needy. I feel like it's my fault.
I wish I had your perspective, your courage and optimism. After being hospitalized last fall, I got a new treatment team and a treatment plan. I know it takes time. You seem to be in a place that I wish to be, it would be a nice forward step for me. Thank you again for your post. Sounds very hopeful
I’m so sorry you feelA burden but to people we love we are not burdens at least that’s how my mind/brain/heart works. Try your best and if you truly need to do more you can when you are well enough. I push myself for my family and without them I’d be messier for sure. I have a 14 abd 10 year old. My kids are skaters. Is your kiddo into anything in particular?
I didn’t know I sounded optimistic Thanks for the compliment. We can move forward always but sometimes it feels like we are stepping back but we are getting ready to move forward again.
My therapist says I’m doing well but I feel sick with my tough to deal with feelings.
I have been married for a long stretch too and sometimes I wonder if we are ok but then I realize we always will be... is at least what I believe. We are each other’s rocks.
Oh it’s great you have a treatment plan now! How is it going? Yes it can take time.
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Grieving 
Depressed
I no longer can take this
I am a shitty person 
I'm so anxious. I need to vent.
