I was dating a guy From 2011- 2015. We went places together, lived together and made many, many memories together. We ran into some relationship issues and he ended up cheating on me in 2015. I was heart broken but I eventually got over it. I have been in a new relationship since 2016 and I am getting married in a little over a month!
Well I just saw on Facebook that my ex is losing his battle to cancer and he only has a short while left to live. All of the memories of me and him have come back like a flood. I feel like I'm silently grieving because I don't want to upset my current fiance.
My emotions are all over the place right now. Sad... Confused... Very unsure of how to act or feel.
Help please..
Written by
LostButterfly78
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Hi I am sorry. Of course you are grieving as the two of you shared a lot together. My advice is to tell your bf all about it as I am sure he will be sympathetic. Imagine if a previous partner of his had a short time to live - wouldn't you be understanding. I know I would. If you need to see your ex or contact him then do it but make sure you tell your bf first so he knows you are not going behind his back. Maybe the two of you can go together? x
What a difficult situation. It’s terribly sad for your ex-partner and all of his family and friends. It’s also sad for you; you are allowed to grieve, you are allowed to have your own feelings about this. He was an important part of your life and I think it would be more ‘strange’ for you to not be upset by what is happening.
We can feel upset when tragedy strikes people we barely know, never mind someone we shared such an intimate connection with.
Grief is a confusing process and people grieve in very different ways - there is no right way to deal with it. I completely understand your concerns about upsetting your fiancé. Have you got someone else you could confide in - a relative or close friend?
Maybe you could bring it up with your fiancé in a ‘casual’ way ... “Did you know xxx is losing their cancer battle?”
See how he reacts. He might even ask your feelings about it - he’d probably expect you to be thinking/feeling something about it. I think you’ll be surprised by how he reacts; most people would be understanding in this situation, I think. Think how you’d react if it was the other way round and him going through this.
You do need to try and focus on your own life a little though. This is a terrible situation but you have a new life now and are getting married next month - how exciting! Congratulations.
Grieve if you need to but keep looking forward to what’s ahead for you.
Is there a Church Pastor or Minister of a Church (where neither you nor your Fiance are known) you could arrange to see, to talk things through in confidence?
It's bound to be very upsetting to hear of someone you know to be dying of cancer (and so young) but someone you were so close to . . . . .
Talking everything through may help to lift the burden you're carrying in silence, and help you work through this.
Could you then talk to your Fiance about this very sad news?
OR -
Is there a private space where you can be on your own to pray through this out loud. Tell God your feelings and ask for His help with this ? Let Him guide you through the coming days & months?
hi be upfront with your partner its the best way to be he might even support you more than you think.its natural to have these feelings so please don't hide them.maybe go for a visit or send a letter to let him know that your thinking about him.take care.
Well of course you’re going to grieve again my dear. Allow your emotions to work through you. No one with a heart can coldly watch an old friend pass away. Can your fiancé understand this is an old friend who was a significant part of your life? That’s a big chunk of time you spent together. That’s part of your own life and time you’re mourning. Take care of yourself and your feelings.
Thank you, everyone for the words of advice and support. So basically I haven't been in touch with my ex boyfriend, his family, or his friends since we broke up back in 2015. But there's still a couple of his friends that I still keep in contact with over FB. I think maybe doing a visit or letter to my ex might be a little overwhelming and awkward (given that he's still with his girlfriend who he cheated me on with).
I reached out to his friend on FB and I just said that I would like to offer his family and friends some pictures of him that are probably saved up in the iCloud somewhere. Well, I found dozens of pictures. I cropped myself out of each of them and sent them to his friend as a supportive gesture. She seemed appreciative.
As for my fiance, he came home just as I was done editing the pictures. I just told him that I was tired so that I could sneak away to our bedroom to spend time thinking this over. Well he comes in and he asks me if everything is okay because he said I look sad. I ended up telling me that I'm having a rough time with the news even though I haven't said a word to this ex boyfriend since 2015. But I told my fiance that 4 years is a long time to spend with someone and there were a lot of memories attached to those times. He was supportive by sitting there and giving me a hug but he didn't say much.
I feel better after letting my fiance know about how Im feeling. I also feel better about giving some pictures to my ex's friend so that maybe they can see some of the happier times to get them through the tough times. I also appreciate you guys not telling me that I'm being irrational by feeling emotions about my ex who is dying of cancer. I'm hoping I can grieve but also look towards my future. <3
I think you did a lovely gesture. I’m glad you told your fiancé. Obviously he has a heart. Honestly just knowing people are dying is hard. My husband cries over people he doesn’t even know but knows of. I think you did the right thing and now validate yourself. You’re feelings are human and fine.
The photo gesture is a fantastic idea. That will certainly bring some comfort to you and your exes family because you've taken the kind and brave decision to share those XXX as for your fiancé, I'm sure he will keep showing understanding. This is the person you are going to marry so he is your present and your future ❤️ remember that he chose you above anyone else XXX
I think it would be normal to greive for someone you were involved with for 4 years. I can't see why a he would be threatened by a dying man? That seems Abit immature? Speak to your fiancee how he would feel about you saying goodbye to him? If that's a problem for him? Then you might be in the WRONG relationship?
I am going through something similar. I think you are human and that you are welcome to grieve for someone you had/have a close relationship with, even if it's not an ongoing relationship. From my experience, bringing up this grief to my current partner is never really met with empathy. That's why I got myself into individual therapy so I can grieve but from someone that didn't know my story and wouldn't give any judgment. I feel your isolation.
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